The only part of your post I can answer is there is no doubt in my mind he still loves you. I think we all ask ourselves the question if it was reversed how our spouse would handle it. There is no way of knowing because each of us has a lifetime of different experiences and coping skills which makes the grief journey unique for each individual. I find a little bit of peace knowing my wife will not have to travel the grief journey I did. That I hold on to as a source of comfort and I hope you do the same. Gerry

The same sad story either way! Someone has to suffer! Just wonder what was worse. Her physical pain or my mental pain!

I think it would have been harder on him. He would grieved only in private, not wanting to show others how much pain he was in. But, I know his heart would have been broken just as mine is over losing him.

My husband and I had that conversation around the time he first got sick..I asked him, "how would you feel if I died?" and he said that he would want to die, too...and that's how I feel...and your husband would probably feel the same pain you are in, because you loved each other so very much...

I guess the answers to all of your questions is 'yes' - I think your husband would have suffered, just as I know mine would have. Cliff and I promised each other that which ever of us would be left behind would grieve for a time, but then try to live fully and as happily as possible, and if possible, find someone who would love us and our boys. Have I wondered how he would have done with it all? Oh yes! My boys told me what they thought would have happened if I had died first. They said, "We would have been screwed - Dad would never have been able to handle it." I don't know if that's exactly the case, but I think that after 30 years of being practically joined at the hip that he would have had a very hard time of it, too. He wasn't just my other half -- I was his other half, too. I try to remind myself of what Gerry says about at least my spouse doesn't have to endure this, that's some consolation at least.

I am sure your husband would have been just as heartbroken as you are.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Michelle, husband or wife, man or woman, did anyone expect this grief journey to be what it is? I doubt it. Had my wife asked your same questions about me to me before she passed, my answers to her would have been so different than this (un)reality I now find myself in. I so agree with Gerry's reply, this grief journey is unique for each individual, and I doubt that anyone, including our spouse, would have been able to predict the response of anyone else. I teared up once and then in our 30 years together, but I imagine like metwodogs said, my wife would have also expected me to grieve in private. But that has not been possible to me, I am unable to contain this grief, it just spills out of me whenever and however it wants. And certainly my wife would never have anticipated me be spilling out my heart online like I do to all of you. Grief changes us, that's for sure, But bottom line is, there is no right or wrong in any of this. We have to do whatever we can to survive it and then get through it. Would my Juanita have wanted me sad for so long? No way. Would she have wanted me to get on with my life by now? Oh yes. Would she have wanted me to have the mental pain Likemyguitar describes? Absolutely not. But we don't have any choices in this - we are the ones that have to figure out what works best for us to get through this grief. As an aside, I notice how few men come here to get support for their grieving. I find that sad, but it is our societal stupidness that tell men they should hold it all in and only show their emotions in private. I'd be the first to tell any widower - get your sorry butt in there - it will really help you. It is me. God bless you ~ Scott

Oh, Michele, of course he still loves you! I can see the love and caring nature of him in his picture. I believe he would be grieving every bit as hard as you are. Perhaps not in the same way, as we all have our own personalities, but he would be mourning you deeply at this time. I also believe that in time he would find a reason to go on, just as you will. One of the cruelest aspects of grief for me is that we have so many questions that haunt us and keep our minds in turmoil. You are in my thoughts and prayers, dear friend, and I wish you peace, if even for just a little while.

Linda

Michele, As much as you love him, he loves you!! he would have the same difficulty. There are many men in the room and I read that their hearts are broken too. I know my husband would be so lost without me, just like I am without him. I miss him, miss his talents, miss his protection. hugs Arlene

Well, I think my husband would have missed me for awhile, but not so very long. He would be out fishing or in his shop working on his '29 Ford, putting it back together. Or perhaps visiting his youngest grandchild. He regretted that he would not get to see him grow up for a few more years. He did cry over that. Missing me would mean he would miss me not being there to cook and the other womanly things a man would miss. It doesn't mean that he didn't love me, he was more like "okay, that's over, time to move on". I do wish it didn't sound so rash but, yeah, I think he would feel this way mostly and I do wish I were wrong, He was a good man in many ways, Even tho he drank, he never hurt me or the kids, we just let him be, There was no talking to him about it what so ever, he resented that. So we let him be. I stood by him for 44 yrs. and the last 5 were the hardest thing I ever had to do and I did it because I do/did love him. Reguardless, if I went first I would still want him to go on and be happy but I know he would anyway. When I feel stronger, which I hope is soon, I plan to go out with friends and try to enjoy the rest of my life. I hope he would want that for me too.

Hello Michelle, the very fact you asked these questions suggested you started thinking in the position of your husband. You started incorporating him in you. There were times I asked questions that don't neccessarily have answers....I asked them not because I need answers but because I want to see her smiles....it is like at the bedtime...."you sleep well, ok?" I tuck her in....in my heart. Hugs, tiger

Gerry echoes what I thought from the very beginning. At least my wife didn't have to experience what I have for the past 3 years. I know she wanted to live and didn't want to leave us, but I'm glad she missed the grief. I wouldn't have wanted her to go through what I have and I know she would have. If that is one last gift that was given to her it is what it is.

i ask the same questions sometimes, and have even avolded getting rid of the camper. Deep down i know he would feel the pain i am if things were reversed and then i feel a little better that he does not have to endure this.

I usually feel like my husband would be stronger... if it had been me that day, instead of him, he would have been able to pick up the pieces of our life and move on....
But I said this once to his best friend since grade school, and I was informed otherwise. He told me that Shane would not have been able to get over that loss... that the kids and I were all he ever talked about. He told me that I was just as much Shane's world as he was mine.
I remember when I had cancer... and how strong Shane had seemed through it all... until the day of my second surgery. He was with me prior to surgery, and they let him walk as far as the doors that led to the operating room when they wheeled my bed that way. The nurse looked like a baby! She was so young, and likely very new to the profession. Such a sweet girl...And then she said the words that caused Shane to blow! She said "Okay, this is it. Kiss her goodbye." What she meant, was obvious... he could not go in the O.R. with us. I laid there on that bed... trying to get him to calm down as he ripped that poor girl apart and had her in tears. That was when I realized how scared he really was about all of that ordeal.
Still, though, I think he would have coped better than what I am doing. He was so much stronger than me... and I don't think he would have been nearly as lust and broken as I am now if the situation was reversed.

Hi Michele... There is no doubt that he still loves you.
How he would of handled losing you is something that only you would know because of your loving relationship.

I can only speak for me, but I know that Larry was one of the most strongest men I ever knew & I worked around a lot of men. Strong as far as both intelligence & physical. But when the cancer took over I prayed that he would go before me because it took away his dignity.
He kept saying to me towards the end "I don't know what I would do without you." & now I don't know what to do without him......

Not sure. My husband was a quiet man who kept a lot inside but he could be a real softie sometimes. I think he would have had a hard time of it though. When he was away from home he called a couple times a day.So yes he would be lonely and sad, after 40 years how could he not be. But i hope he would honour you by living life to the fullest. That you had such a good life, he would want to find that peace and happiness again. If there is an awareness in the after life he would still love you. Hugs Patti