I used to be a glass half full type of person, always hopeful. Now I feel like the whole 'f'**ing glass is empty. The world is spinning and I want it to stop. I miss him, and can see no happiness in the future. I see encouragement from all those who have been dealing with this far longer than I. Yet I also see the struggles of those several years down this road. I don't think I can cope with this for years. Not even at four months and i am already sick of feeling like this. I can't seem to get a grip on this hurt. What the hell was the point of taking him and leaving me to fend for myself and still I am supposed to be a mom and grandma when I don't even know anymore who the hell I am. This is not me. Losing him is the most devistating process I have ever been through. I hear from the kids, but usually when they want something or need something. I appreciate that they value my opinion, but they don't know what their mom is really going through. And how weak and crushed I am. I am searching so hard, but I wouldn't know if I found it cuz I don't know what it is. I do not know this weak pathetic stranger that looks back at me in the mirror. She was part of a pair, a soul mate, had a future, had dreams, and an abundance of love and interaction with her soul mate. She has now become a weeping, weakling that can't seem to see the point in going on by herself. Or accomplish the most simple of things because her heart isn't in anything. Probably just another wave. I just want off this ocean!! Thanks for letting my cry on your shoulders. Hugs to all, I will try to hang in there. Michele