Dear Michele! We are all going through this horrible journey! Some days better than others. There are times we feel no one cares or understands our pain. Heck, we don't completely understand our pain!! But there is hope. Who knows what your future holds? God does! He loves you and definatly cares. You can trust Him He has big shoulders to cry on! He will get you thru this. We are here for you too!!
Prayers.....Karla

Oh Michele, I hear your words, and they sound like my own thoughts. This is not what any of us here ever imagined our lives would be... My heart aches with you, and I wish so very much I could show you some light at the end of the tunnel, but I have not reached that point yet myself. I hear those who have been on this ocean so much longer say that it is possible to get through, though, and I am clinging to that with everything I have.
There are days (pretty much all of them) that, no matter how much I love my children, nor how much they love me, I just cannot imagine that love to be enough... they move on... they have their own lives... find their own soul mates. And most days, I feel that recovering from the loss of their father would be easier for them if I had gone with him that day. I am here... but my soul is gone. I am not who I was. They essentially already lost us both.
But... I am hoping that the people here are right when they say it is possible to move forward... I am clinging to that hope, and I really need you to cling with me. Hugs to you...

First off...Yes.

A lot of people would notice if you disappeared..

I've thought the same thing over the last 9 months..I've had some pretty deep dark lows.. I'm sure we all have been through that, and will again sometimes..

In January, I felt exactly like you do..that was just 2.5 months into this "journey" as we tend to call it.. I was averaging about 1.5 - 3.5 hours of sleep / night for about that entire time period..It was especially great, because my wife died 2 days after her birthday on November 11..She had been back from the hospital for 1 week from being in for yet more dialysis problems..So from now on, once I hear about Halloween, i'm likely to start getting some intense triggers in anticipation..

She was "doing well" and in good spirits..she promised me she would start taking better care of herself..she started decorating the house for thanksgiving and Christmas...I can still recall VIVIDLY, how excited she was when she came home from Home Depot with a standing "abominable snowman" from the old Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cartoons.. She loved it, and was so smiley and happy..November 3rd - November 10, 2014 was the last time stretch I saw her happy..and even right now, its killing me to remember and think about it..Oh my god she was so happy..she loved the holidays.. and then "BOOM" - gone...After talking too her about 8:43 am on November 11th morning, she had a "cardiac event" and I found her that evening when i got home..

Its a blur beyond that..I know I was in a pit of despair..the evenings were the worst...I've posted recently about wanting to scream...well those nights, I screamed ALOT...primal, sad sad screams..I can imagine people in my neighborhood wondering what was happening in my house..

I wanted to disappear..

I wanted to die..why was she taken and not me..its not fair..there is no reason for it..

Yelling, screaming, cursing..and lack of sleep..that was my existence each night for several months...I felt useless..weak..pathetic..Our dreams of anything we had talked about were destroyed..It was supposed to be our time..it was just her and I now..kids were out of the house..all taken away...

One particularly bad night, I was crying..hard..screaming..I made myself choke..and I decided I needed to stop it..that she would be miserable knowing how I was doing..Silly as that thought may be, that was "it" per se..Because I knew how horrible it would make her feel to see how i was handling this, I told myself to stop it..

I made a doctor appointment the next day..got some medication for depression...made an appointment for counselling..went to several sessions..

I'm not saying "TADA! Miracle, I'm fine" by any means..But it helped..changing my mindset, helped too..

I had all of the same feelings you are having...ALL OF THEM.. I still have them sometimes..But consciously choosing to try and not be sad all the time..to make sure I am not letting Melodies death define me, is something i try to do, every day..sometimes i fail..and i get sad..I've had a lot of stress the last couple months..i've had insomnia..i've had some sad sad nights..but ever since I told myself to stop it, and try, I have not gotten back to that pit of despair..

I know this is terribly hard..I am so sorry for what you are going through Michele. We are all her supporting you, and all of us for sure would notice if you disappeared..

You are not weak or pathetic.. Just waking up every day since this has happened, proves it..It would be so much easier to give up.. It *will* get better..You are so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for..

I cannot say when for you..I do not know what moment or event might help you decide, perhaps something like i did, I only know what has helped/worked for me..writing on my blog has also helped me get out my feelings and day to day interactions with my "new world" or "new normal" ; maybe that would help you too ?

vent all you need..cry all you need...we are here for you

Michele You are in the rawest and toughest part of the journey. You are right others further down the road do have struggles but I promise you the intensity of the pain truly subsidies and even though it doesnt seem possible a glimmer of hope will break through at some point. If you like read the early stages of my journey. I went to hell and back and yes I am still standing. A huge part of that credit comes from the wonderful people here. What you are experiencing is normal and yes it hurts like hell. A huge hug to you and please keep posting as often as you need.

Michele, I understand; we all here understand. I am feeling the same way as you and it hasn't been 4 months yet. Sad, lonely, lost and like I am just a feather floating on the wind, not knowing where I'll land or when. Things have to get better, right? I mean, they just have to. There is so much wisdom from people on here who have been on this journey longer than us. If they can make it, so can we. I take stock in their wise words and although I am saddened anyone has to go through this journey, it truly does help to know we are not alone. Blessings of Love and Light to you. -Becca

We've all been cut in half- at least. I do not even feel that a fourth of the "me", who was "we" in my marriage is left.
"Till death do us part" at the altar, sounded Lofty- like a period that'd never appear on the end of a fairy tale.
Not so, now.
We are all in the same boat. any differences are merely outward, like containers we hold things inside of.
Here we are, on the most level field in all the earth.
Death and separation were never the Original Plan.
so it defies all that we are.
I beg God- show me a mere glimpse of comfort, because even the rest of "us" are often too lost at sea for handing it out.
At least by seeing you all here, I know I'm not 'really' the only one.

Michele, I am just past 4 months...and I feel the same way...I've cursed God for taking him, I've come close to taking my life on more than one occasion...then I thought about my son, and how he would feel if, after losing his father, if he lost his mom too...and your kids and grandkids would feel the same...they would miss you...we would all miss you...

dear Michele, so relate to what you shared. How could we go on now to build a new life without the love of our life. My husband and I were joined at the hip always with no immediate family nearby in the last few years. When he died, my world was shattered. I joined grief share and then another support group and held on for dear life. Volunteered more than ever, took classes, tried to stay engaged in life, make new friends. While my husband was dying, he said I would be just fine, and I would cry my eyes out and ai would say "no, never without you." There hasn't been a day in 17 months where tears have not flowed. Someone told me today they were glad to see me so happy now. yes, all outward appearance but not what is in my heart and soul. You can cry on our shoulders, we are all on that ocean together. Much peace to you...

Oh Michele...... I always enjoy reading your posts, because of your insight & wisdom, so it's hard to see the pain you are in.

I just got back from vacation & had a wonderful time, but now that I'm home, I'm sad that Larry could not enjoy it Or that he was not here to hear the fun I had. So many ups & downs.

You do have children & grandchildren (I never did) so please think
of them even during the rough times. Now that Larry is gone, I wish we did have children, but not to be...... Enjoy them all

Take care & we are here for you...

Thank you all for the kind words and hanging in there with me. I do have hope but the agony continues. I try to reassure myself that this would not be so hard had we not loved each other so hard and so unconditionally for so many years. This helps me to know there is at least a reason I hurt so badly. I know he loved me, one of the last things he said when I told him for the millionth time that I loved him was. "I love you too, I wonder who loves who more" I cling to that. And with hope yes this will leave very deep scars, to add to all those others we carry. But in the long run I know every bit of agony will be worth earning those scars. Just miss him so, Hugs to all, Michele

Michelle-At seven months in I cry everyday. But my emotions seem to be a little softer, Everybody's journey through this minefield of grief is so different! Your loved ones would miss you so, and they would miss your hard earned, life experienced wisdom. We would miss you too. You can express your grief and that is a gift to all of us who have a hard time with that. So keep writing and know that we are there right along side of you. Big hug my friend-Patti

Michele, you are stronger than you think. I thought I was a strong brave soul but after Amy died I was a heap of wailing weeping mess. I am almost at 6 mos and still weep for her everyday sometimes several times a day but the pain is a little better than it was a couple of months ago and I hope the healing continues. But we make that decision for ourselves about what kind of life we will have after this horrible time in our lives. Right now we don't have a choice where our grief takes us as we are still in the early stages and the misery is still fresh. I will hang in there with you if you will hang in there with me. ~Pete

Oh Michele, this life sucks so bad. I have felt everything you put into words. Some days I can handle the pain more than others. Right now the tears are just streaming down my face.

I still have so many fears and to think I have to live with them, without him is more than I can stand some days.

Love
Jen

Michelle

Its like you are writing the thoughts that I am too scared to write. I feel the same but somehow I keep getting up in the morning and dealing with each thing as it comes. I hate it but for some reason I was left behind to do something. I have no idea how to be a me and NOT an US. I hate everything about it. You would be greatly missed and remember what you told me "you are not alone" We will all help you in any way we can. I know that the agoney can't be taken away and the bitter loneliness is always there but try hard to remember what your husband might say to you in a situation like this and hold on tight to something that was his. I have a pendant with Mike's fingerprint on in and when he died the hospital cut the inside of his jeans pocket out for me to keep. The nurse said it was something that was close to him when he died so she thought I would want it close to me.

After 2 1/2 years, I feel invisible too. I know my oldest son, that lives with me would notice. But my other two,,?? It is months between communication. When I contact them, its like, excuses. So I don't bother them anymore. Sandee