Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Loriluvsbruce 06/03/2009

I have this new feeling and am not sure where it is coming from or how to handle it. I have wanted to talk to someone about it but dont want to come off as mean or rude. I figure what better place but here. People will probably think I\'m a heartless person but I\'m not. I\'m a very loving person. But I\'m a realistic one.I want to stop having my world revolve around grief and the thoughts of missing Bruce. I dont want to forget him and know that I never will,I dont want to LONG for him anymore. I dont want to feel his arms around me. That was all great when he was here but reality is that he is no longer here. I want to stop putting him on a pedestal.He was a good guy but he had his faults and not everyday in our marriage was great.There were a lot of unhappy times.I want to learn to enjoy my life without him.There are many things I miss about him and some that I dont.And I dont want to keep living as if they were. I just want to stop. Last year we had a softball tournament in his memory. It was great, an awesome memorial for Bruce. His coach called and wants to do it again and I\'m not sure if we should do it.My anniversary just passed (wedding and death date) and nobody called. One of his sisters didnt even remember and I dont think any of them remembered our wedding ann. I havent heard from any softball guys since last years tournament and am not even sure if any of them think about him any more. His Mom has early altshiemeres?? and memories of Bruce just stress her out. She cant even come to my house anymore because he\'s all around here. I just want to move on and feel no more pain for him. And I believe I\'m doing that. And I think its ok to let go. It doesnt mean I didnt love him.I\'m just being realistic. And not wanting to dwell on pain anymore.

deleted_user 06/07/2009

Wow Lori!.. It is so wonderful to see the progress so many are making on this site.I am sure a lot of personal growth has taken place in your life over the time since you were first widowed.. Your statement especially is so brave..Until we reach acceptance,we are all stuck between two worlds... One foot in our old world...and the other in widow's shoes..You have just removed both feet, and placed them in your own shoes and in your own space! Well done! Hugs Janine

deleted_user 06/07/2009

Hi, it has been a while since I posted and I battled with the flood of memories mostly bad in the beginning and got to a point of acceptance and not wanting to grieve any more. One does get tired of it and you do make a consciouse choice not to grieve anymore. For me it was when I realized that the memories or activities were immobilizing me and causing more harm than good. IE. moving from a healthy grieving to self pitty and depression. I had to take control and say enough is enough. It was a real turning point but the ride is not over just because I made a conscious decision to take back my life. It is a journey. Just know we are here for you. You will start to remember more good things then bad and you will start to do things that perhaps you never did before and find you enjoy some of them. The old bad memories will fade and so will the guilt or anger or both. I pray you find encouragement and hope in this post.

deleted_user 06/08/2009

Thank you for what you sayed .It helped me alot , The rut I am in is also not letting go.To live my life.I was wondering the same thing WHEN will this feeling go geeeet on withit or get over it, I known that there will be bad ddays, but I want more good days then bad After all MY HUSBAND WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY. Thanks again

totalsupport 06/08/2009

Lori...I love the fact that you have reached the place in your life where you can accept. We are all going to die, we don't know when or where or how but the fact is its going to happen. I hope to show my friends and family that are left behind when I go that it is ok to go on with their lives. They can be happy with their lives and to cherish the memories. I to have moved on to a great place in my life and have chosen to be in love again. Life doesn't stop when one of us leaves this world. That is what I want my children and friends to know...Thanks for the post and the honesty
Have a great new life

deleted_user 06/08/2009

Its all so hard and unfair but with it all it is so tiring even as time passes it seems exhausting . I still don't sleep for crap most nights which doesn't help with the tiredness of the mind thinking all the time of our loss. I try to have such a strong faith in God to get me through this journey and that too gets shaken ....I feel for you and nothing you said is mean its just how most of us feel and just don't expres it.

deleted_user 06/08/2009

Hi Lorie,

I know what you mean. I have reached the point where I don't want everything to be all about missing him. But part of me feels that when I let go of the grief I won't have anything to replace it. Which is scary and what I am working on now. I don't feel that you are at all unloving with your comment. Your life with your husband is over. It is that sad and simple. We have no choice but to move forward.

JudiB 06/08/2009

This is one of the best discussions I've seen in awhile now. I'm sure alot of the widows who are very early in their grief might have a hard time even thinking about what Lori's saying but after you've been on this journey for so long and have gone through evey possible emotion imagineable and stumbled and fallen over and over and continued to get up and like Jaynine said, trying to exist in two different worlds, our past and our present without alot of success. After a few months for me of doing what I thought was alot better and then suddenly feeling like I had regressed once again, I'm ready for the roller coaster ride to be over too. I know this is easier said than done but what encourages me is what ameliajean posted - about the self-pitying life being a doomed life and the life which deliberately picks up and starts again is victorious. That was just what I needed to see today because I realize now that everything I'm doing trying to keep busy so as not to dwell on what I have no more I'm doing for all the wrong reasons. Instead of doing these things to get over the past that no longer exists I should be doing them to build towards the new future that's waiting right around the corner. The one that I keep avoiding because I THINK I don't know how to fit into it. It's time to move forward just because it's beginning to suck being stuck in neutral all the time! Thanks Lori, this is a great post! Hugs, Judi

Shrn 06/08/2009

Judi, That'a a wonderful response and one I needed to hear. We all try to bury the pain in daily tasks rather than feel and work through it. I call it honoring the pain, but am not sure there isn't a better word.
I'm coming up on the second anniversary of Don's death and try as I might I can't escape the feelings it brings out. Just thinking about it focuses me on the loss and not the future. My moto has to stay "count the blessings, not the loss" But I still must recognize the loss and grieve. Such a balancing act and so many falls. Sharon

deleted_user 06/08/2009

Hi Lori -
I'm only a couple of months into this, but I truly understand what you're saying. I miss Russ ... a lot... but I had a life before him, and I still want one after him. I'm getting back into a routine, and force myself to do it even if I don't want to. I'm actually finding myself starting to have fun and laughing and everything. My mother is still having a really hard time adjusting to my dad being gone, and he's been gone a year and a half. I understand what she's going through, but I'm not sure I still want to be in that place a year from now. I'm so glad that you wrote this....it gives me a lot of positive hope that I can get there too! I want to be like Buzz Lightyear ... "to infinity and beyond..."

Loriluvsbruce 06/08/2009

Thanks to all of you again. I am so glad that I didnt offend anyone and am happy to see that again I am not in this alone. And if this post even helped one of you I couldnt be happier. Luv to all, Lori

deleted_user 06/08/2009

You know Lori nothing you said was cruel or unloving. You are at the point where some of us wish to be one day and thats the phase of acceptance. It's a hard phase to get too. You will never forget Bruce, he was a big part of your life. I think this phase is a big step for anybody to reach, but it most certainly does not mean one did not love thier spouse.

I have not reach this phase, I'm finding it real hard to get there.. My life still revovles around Jesse. Maybe one day soon!!!

Wishing you much Happiness & Joy in your life...Stella

cliffskat 06/09/2009

I agree with the others, this is one of the best discussions we've had. We haven't talked much about the letting go and moving forward, yet it is probably what we're all hoping for. I know what you mean about not wanting to offend anybody, and about the fear of the unknown that KathyAV talks about - the mystery of what lies ahead. At one point, when I was just so exhausted with it all, the thought occurred to me "Whose permission am I waiting for to be happy?" I realized I was waiting for Cliff's permission, but he had given me that a long time ago when he told me that if anything happened to him that I should not grieve forever but find love and happiness again. It still took a lot of effort to do that, but I think asking myself that question was another turning point for me. And I hear you Sharon - keeping busy won't solve it, you have to go through it - honor the pain, honor the memories, give our loved ones "their due" in a way, and get it out of our system. I feel like I've done that, and in the process I've learned that not all of life's surprises are terrible surprises, we forget that goodness and joy are inevitable, too, when we've been down in the black pit of grief and despair for so long. Happiness doesn't seem possible, but it is. Love and Hugs all around, Martha

mugwort 06/09/2009

Hi Lori
Its good you come to the stage of acceptance. Your words, thoughts are quite pragmatic. They are realistic too. It seems to me judging by what you wrote is you're ready to move on in your life. It may sound trite but life does go on. That of course, includes yours too.
Wishing you my best. Shame nobody called for your special days.
Well I'm here for support and I'm certain other members too.
huggzzz
mugwort

deleted_user 06/09/2009

Hi Lorie, I just wanted to add that I understand those feelings and it has been 5 years since my husband's death. I remember wanting to move forward in life and others would judge me - whether I wanted to move, sell the business my husband and I had owned or even start dating again. I think the amazing part of being a widow or widower is that it opens our eyes to the reality that life is short and we need to seek our path. God Bless you as you live your "new kind of normal" without your loved one.

Sallie

missmyhero 06/10/2009

Hi Lori,
I'm not there yet because it is still too soon for me, but I hope to be someday. You are where, (I believe), we all hope to get to someday. There is nothing unloving or unkind about your message, even to those of us still early on in our loss. I feel like I am working into the second phase myself, where I am finding myself smiling sometimes and I even laughed out loud recently. It felt good.

I think one of the most important things for us to realize is that our process is right for us and we should not doubt ourselves and how we feel.

-Diana

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