Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Loriluvsbruce 06/03/2009

I have this new feeling and am not sure where it is coming from or how to handle it. I have wanted to talk to someone about it but dont want to come off as mean or rude. I figure what better place but here. People will probably think I\'m a heartless person but I\'m not. I\'m a very loving person. But I\'m a realistic one.I want to stop having my world revolve around grief and the thoughts of missing Bruce. I dont want to forget him and know that I never will,I dont want to LONG for him anymore. I dont want to feel his arms around me. That was all great when he was here but reality is that he is no longer here. I want to stop putting him on a pedestal.He was a good guy but he had his faults and not everyday in our marriage was great.There were a lot of unhappy times.I want to learn to enjoy my life without him.There are many things I miss about him and some that I dont.And I dont want to keep living as if they were. I just want to stop. Last year we had a softball tournament in his memory. It was great, an awesome memorial for Bruce. His coach called and wants to do it again and I\'m not sure if we should do it.My anniversary just passed (wedding and death date) and nobody called. One of his sisters didnt even remember and I dont think any of them remembered our wedding ann. I havent heard from any softball guys since last years tournament and am not even sure if any of them think about him any more. His Mom has early altshiemeres?? and memories of Bruce just stress her out. She cant even come to my house anymore because he\'s all around here. I just want to move on and feel no more pain for him. And I believe I\'m doing that. And I think its ok to let go. It doesnt mean I didnt love him.I\'m just being realistic. And not wanting to dwell on pain anymore.

deleted_user 06/03/2009

Second attempt...first disappeared
Lori, You are not mean nor are you unloving. Instead you are admitting that your life is now one without Bruce. This is a huge step in making a life for yourself. It does not mean you did not love him and it certainly does not mean you don\'t miss him.

You must survive on your own and I believe that severing this dependency on remembrance can be an important step.

deleted_user 06/03/2009

Lori, nothing you said in your post is mean or unloving. I think it just means that you have reached the point that we are all striving for - acceptance of our spouses death - and that you are ready to move forward with your life. You will never forget Bruce, but we all at some point in time have to start making a life for ourselves now. Everything you said in your post is honest and it is ok to let go. I feel as if I am starting to enter the acceptance phase as Jim isn\'t the first thing I think of now every morning. I still love him and I always will, but I know that he is gone and never coming back. One of the things that helped me was to list all the good things about Jim as well as the not so good and to list the good and bad things regarding our marriage. I have also been helped tremendously by a sermon series at church called "Heaven". I now realize that Jim will always be with me and be a part of me as we were together 28 years - but I am also beginning to realize that it\'s time to start letting go. I am not all the way there yet -it\'s still a work in progress - but I feel as if I am on the road to recovery.

deleted_user 06/03/2009

Bravo for your honesty and acceptance, Lori.

Yes, life goes on for everyone and hopefully moves forward for those of us in grief as well.

We can all learn from your open and honest post. Thank you!

Hugs, Barbara

laurabp 06/03/2009

Lori, you do not sound heartless, but realistic. You loved your husband, you acknowedge that he was not perfect but was nonethess loveable, recognize that he is not coming back, and are moving forward with your life. I don\'t see a problem with that. We cannot live in the past; we are pushed forward day by day, even if we do not want to go, but it is so much easier if we allow ourselves to move forward. You are being honest and optimistic. Good luck to you. laurabp

deleted_user 06/03/2009

Lori, you are not mean or unloving. I am not at the point you are yet, but I long for being able to accept the change that has occurred in my life. I don\'t want a life without joy and I hope with acceptance of being a widow will come and allow me to enjoy life again. Thank you for being honest, we all need that. JulH

cliffskat 06/03/2009

Congratulations and welcome to the final phase - acceptance. It does feel different, and it is hard at times to convey it to other widows/widowers who can\'t imagine a time when the hurt will fade. You know I\'ve written about my \'past imperfect\' too, and you and I have shared some things about this. I\'m not still here at DS because I hurt, I\'m still here because the hurt is finally gone and I want to help others know they can get beyond it, too, and the things that helped me get to this point. I\'m glad you\'ve come so far, and I hope that whatever you decide to do that you will be a joyful person again - you deserve it! Much Love and Hugs, Martha

Loriluvsbruce 06/03/2009

Thanks to all of you for your support. Its not the reaction I thought I was going to get. I was so nervous that I would upset someone. I know that we all love our lost loved ones but I know in my case I was obsessing with his loss and my past with him. I dont want to forget my life with him, the good or the bad. I just want to move on without the pain of losing him. I know that there is a life out there and I want to live it. And now I see thats what we are all looking for.Thanks again, Lori

deleted_user 06/03/2009

I think for awhile we do put them on a pedestal only remembering their wonderful qualities and like all of us they too had some not so wonderful ones. There is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to move forward and letting go of the grief... I think we all want that. Being in this constant state of longing for the past and living in loneliness is not what any of our spouses would have wanted for us.You do what feels right to you, you are only responsible to yourself. Hugs!!!!

deleted_user 06/03/2009

Lori,
I think only those of us that have been through this would understand why you were so careful with your original post.
You sound quite healthy and I\'m happy for you! We all must go forward - well, I guess this quote says it all:

"We win victory over bereavement only when we face our loss, accept our loss, and then make our way through and beyond our loss. How do we make our way through it and beyond it? We do so by deliberately re-entering the world of daily activity-the busy world of problems, duties, friendships, opportunities, satisfactions. An immolated, resentful, self pitying life is a doomed life. Only the life which deliberately picks up and starts again is victorious"

AJ

Shrn 06/03/2009

Lori, There\'s nothing wrong with anything that you said. Who would want to live in pain and sadness for the rest of your life. It\'s survival we strive for and survival mean we live again.
I think you are making a great choice to concentrate on building your life. Let me caution you though, you will still have times when you fall down. A very important part of your life is no longer here with you and you are bound to miss him. It doesn\'t mean you can\'t get back up and continue on. Just don\'t let it defeat you. You\'re stronger than you think. Sharon

deleted_user 06/03/2009

Lori, you don\'t know how much what you said helped me. I\'ve been feeling the same way as you do, and almost felt guilty for feeling that way...but I realize now that I am accepting the fact that he is gone, the shock has worn off, and I\'m realizing that I have to move on with my life. Thank you for expressing how you feel. We are all together in this. Love, hugs, and prayers to all.

Christine26 06/04/2009

Hi Lori, so much of what you said hit home to me. Your words have helped many of us by the comments that you see, and I am glad for you that you are at that point. I commend you and want you to know my prayers and good wishes are with you.

deleted_user 06/07/2009

Lori. . .your post is very encouraging to me and I am sure to others that have not reached the point that you are at. I am also tired of being sad so much. I appreciate your openness and I know that day will come for me too. I do feel most of the time, that I want to live again and to have some real fun. I am close but not there. Good luck to you and you go girl! hugs, Shirley

marjoe 06/07/2009

Lori - on the contrary, I think your post reflects a healthy, and yes, realistic outlook. I've found over the months, especially recently, that I've taken Joe off his pedestal also. You know what did it? I found myself talking so sweetly to his picture, (no, I'm not nuts!), then realized that if he were alive, we would probably have been yapping at each other over something inconsequential. I also realized I was treating his memory differently in death than in life. He was human! And sometimes a pain in the ass! Strangely, that makes me feel better, because if I continued to think only of the good, and not the whole, it would not only diminish me by not accepting my part in our marriage, but also make it difficult, if not impossible, to move forward. Thank you for posting this! Hugs, Marsha

deleted_user 06/07/2009

Lori, wow! I feel as if you were inside my head. It has been 1 month since my husband of 28 yrs died of a heart attack. I have been beating myself up about so much, not paying him more attention, not making sure he had his medicines, not reassuring him everything would be ok when he stressed (about everything). And the "what ifs?" are about to kill me. But we didn't have a good relationship. We were still grieving the death of our 18-year old in 2007 and for the first time in my life, i decided to put myself first. I loved him and I know he loved me - i wish we had more time to work out the problems. I can only hope to get where you are about my husband's death.

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