To me, the term "not living alone" does not neccesarily mean having a person of the opposite sex living with you in your home... to me it is about living with community. For some people, it is family. Or for others children or pets, neither of which I have. For others it is a good friend, or a boy/girlfriend. It is a feeling of connection with someone else, something that I miss the most. That doesn't mean dating for every person, however that is where some people (of course, not everyone) hope to be able to find that connection.

You explained it well JJ888. It also depends on the age factor, the relationship you had with your spouse, what you both discussed, etc. The list goes on. I am quite content making a connection with my girlfriends and my family. The cat I adopted also plays a huge part in fulfillment. As for intimacy, that was put to rest a long time ago, and a door I have no desire to open. Everyone is different in their needs.

......this is actually pretty enlightening to me. I for one despise it when friends talk about sweet friends and such....lets have a dinner here and there and meet up with diff people. It never does fall in place cause i'm still married to my amy...........I get lonely and sometimes I wonder how it would be with a different companion. But i do believe that I won't ust because ive had so much history , laughs and silliness with my twinfire. Maybe I'm cynical and not helping but-----wouldnt it be so strange to smell a different smell to see a different light to feel a different feel. I dont know I wish I knew but I had to reply to this because......Amy was it for me and I'm a guy so it's so much harder for me to express i think. But what do I know. I really just wish I could --but I think of her everyday and I feel so ...so....empty...and who will really fill her place ever again.

driftnmt--

To have a companion or not is another personal decision. However, it is not a requirement to continue a fulfilled life without your loved one.

I know several widows, moreso than widowers, who chose to remain single and unattached. They come from various walks of life, ages, years of marriage, and the depth of the love they had for their DH.

Always do what is right for you, and what you feel in your heart.

I am, and am becoming a better and stronger person for it.

Debbie

Jerseydebbie, thank you for your input about having a new love being a personal choice. I totally agree, and I am like you in that I do not see getting another man as the only way to be happy again and move forward with my life. Nice to know I am not alone here. laurabp

I think it can be tough to widen your social circle when you lose not only your husband/wife but the person that was your best friend, too. My husband was 95% of my social circle. A lot of what I have missed about Cliff was the "best friend" side of it - the person to hang out with, go out to lunch with, enjoy a walk in the park together - not the romantic side of it. Someone who laughed at the same jokes I laughed at, read the same books, liked the same art and music, appreciated the beauty of nature the same way I did. For all the imperfections of our marriage (the romantic side), our friendship was perfect, and we were good companions for each other.

I think that's what parchergirl is talking about, not necessarily the pursuit of full-blown romance. Some people have a knack for making friends easily, some struggle with it particularly in the aftermath of this kind of loss when we're trying to figure out who we are now. I don't relate to most people the way I related to my husband. We had so much common ground, especially after 30 years together. It's tough branching out to try to find others that you do have common ground with, but I think it's important that we try.

I've had very mixed results on trying to make new friends and strengthening the ties that I had before Cliff's death. I have less tolerance for BS, and my priorities have shifted, so maybe I'm fussier now than I was about who I want to spend time with. I was fortunate I still had one of my sisters here - blood is thicker than mud sometimes - and that helped me a lot.

That's why I think the volunteer thing or the meet-up groups are a good way to go. I don't think everybody needs to find a new romantic partner, but I do think we all need social contact, i.e., friends.

Love and Hugs, Martha

To Martha and Laurabp:
I brought up the topic when my DH's cancer returned because I wanted to see if I was a whacko or something. I asked if he would remarry if I should go first. He said no because he knew there was no one that could measure up to me and he also was set in his ways and didn't want anyone to try to change him. I asked if he would date. There was a long pause and a half-hearted answer, like he really didn't want to continue talking about it. DH did say that maybe on occasion. Someone to have dinner with or a movies, but nothing serious. And as for sex, at age 62 he just was not interested anymore. The treatments and my medical issue killed the last of that a long time ago. We found through facing cancer that sex was not a priority anymore. Your priorities certainly change when you face a terminal illness and the age factor comes into play.

I felt the same way at the time and still do. My husband was 100% of my social circle and world. I learned to reach out to female friends and made some very good ones. They are both long-time single due to divorce. We have a lot in common and the companionship is fulfilling.

I fully trusted my father, mother and husband with my life. Since they have all passed, the only person I will fully trust now is myself.

My goal is to form bonds with good girlfriends, do and see everything I can before I die, and be able to look back and say, "I had a good life. Now it's time to join my husband."

Craig kept insisting that I probably have many years ahead of me still and should remarry rather than being alone. I told him I didn't even want to think about that at the time but appreciated his giving me permission if it ever comes up. He persisted, and I told him I would never remarry but wouldn't hesitate to have a whole series of torrid affairs. That ended THAT conversation!

I want to say something, so I'm back on this post. I understand others ideas and preferences, but want to add to those who look to God for their strength.

I had no desire to start another male relationship. I wanted to get to know who I was apart from wife and mother. As I worked on my own self awareness I was also aware of the loneliness. The Lord is my companion in life and was when I was married. I prayed if He wanted me to have a partner to share my loneliness with and perhaps build a better future for him to send that person into my life. I gave up my control to Him and focused on where I wanted to change and kept my relationships with girlfriends of the past and family positive.

For those who do not know, on Feb 4th of this year I was invited to lunch and accepted the invitation because it 'felt' right. We hit it off on that first lunch meeting and I've been seeing him ever since. My advise is to focus on becoming more than you are: a better friend, a better mom, a better person. Let go of tomarrow and be the best you can be for today. We, above anyone, know that tomarrow is not a guarantee, so be alive today and see what the Lord has in-store for you. Sharon

Great reply as always Sharon. I totally agree, and I feel the same way.
Does a man exist who is happy to go to dinner with you and stay home and watch movies etc and not want more? Is that what you really want anyway? Dating sites are men looking for more.
What do you enjoy doing? if you are looking for someone- think about what kind of person you would like to meet and where they might hang out. If you would like to meet a good hearted person try Church, volunteering etc party types - pubs and clubs.
If there is something you enjoy, or would like to do, now is a great time to pursue it, take classes, meet new people , expand your horizons, learn, enjoy and become more confident at the same time New friends have friends too and so the circle widens.
Dancing is a fun way to makenew friends, and there are classes to learn. Alcohol is not predominant and it is good exercise.
All the best with whatever you do!

I have been following this thread with much interest and it occurred to me that many DS members who are struggling with the companionship question may benefit from the philosophy of the person who probably influenced me about Love more than anyone else. Some of you may remember Leo Buscaglia he was considered the worlds best motivational writer and speaker on the subject of Love and Relationships. If you never heard him speak you have missed an incredible experience. Leo was a frequent speaker on Public Television during the 1980s and 90s and he died in 1998.

Leo would have told everyone of us that everyone needs to love others and to be loved by others in order to grow. This does not necessarily mean that we have to be married but it does mean we have to actively decide that we want to be happy and that we want to love it would be nice if we were loved in return but at a minimum we need to find others to love. Yes ideally it would be great if we could find that one special person that we could love and love romantically but at a minimum everyone needs to actively try to love others in fact we should be trying to love as many people as possible.

When we lose that one incredible person in our lives that meant so much to us it becomes very easy to sit back and stop trying to love others. Leo would say that we should not get stuck in our grief for too long. Leo would say that Happiness and love are just a choice away. If in our efforts to love others we happen to fall into (romantic) love with another special person that is fantastic but at a minimum we cannot stop loving (and caring for others).

For those of you who have not been influenced by Leo Buscaglia I offer the following quotes and a YouTube link to one of his speeches

Here are two additional quotes of Leos ...

We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.

Finally here is a link to one of Leos incredible talks about Love and Relationships. This is a link to the first of eight 6 minute segments of a talk he gave many years ago. I would encourage you to find the link to the second segment of this talk and go to the 4 minute point of this video. When that video is done please listen to the beginning of part three of the talk (look for the link on the right side of the page). If this gets your interest you can listen to the entire talk by following the links on the right side of the page. There are many short videos of Leo Buscaglia he was a brilliant person who taught a course in college called Love 101.

Here is the link ... I hope this works (you may have to copy this into your browser)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tew4IUaFuQ


I would be interested if any of you think I should post this as a discussion topic.

I hope this helps Tom

I have checked out a few online dating sites. I have recieved interest from some of the men there and they seem nice. Here is my problem. I think they are too old. I realize I am no young myself but when I think of someone several years older than me it scares me. This whold idea of sharing love with another scares me. I don't think I could go through the death of another. This one had nearly destroyed me.

I agree with JJ88. What we all need is a sense of community. And not sure why you're looking for a male companion if you want nothing to do with the "male" part of the equation. The advice here is great. Figure out who you are and what you enjoy doing. Reach out to others in friendship. I feel very loved and connected and am only lonely for the man I lost. I'm in a bookclub, dinnerclub,and have great family and friends. As well as my close friends I have relationships with the young and old. I have a church family and a work family.
My mom was very wise and told me not to let all my friends fall away when I had a boyfriend. She said boys will come and go but if you treat them right friends will be friends for life. She would also really get after us girls when we fought with each other telling us to treat each other as we would our best friend because a sister is the best of all best friends for life. Something like that anyways. I took this advice to heart and have always treasured my sisters and friends. Although my husband was truly my best friend, I always had interests and friends of my mine own. This has saved me in this situation. Maybe it's something all young people need to hear. I feel sad for all the people here who lived a pretty exclusive life with only each other for friends. That must make this horror of a situation that much worse. But it doesn't mean you still can't find that sense of community and purpose for your life. Just expand your search beyond thinking the only solution is a male companion. The whole world awaits you and needs you!

I think we're all talking about the same thing - how do you fill the huge hole left in your life that your spouse/partner once filled? That's the bottom line, isn't it? How do we get back to feeling okay about life and about ourselves?

@Debbie - I envy you your good luck with finding good girlfriends to share with. I am glad you are finding contentment and peace in your life. My luck has not been as good. My divorced friends are all so bitter and down on men that I can't take being with them but for brief periods of time. I loved my husband, I love my fiance, my two sons, my two brothers, and when I hear blanket negative things said about "all men" I think of my menfolk, and they sure don't deserve that kind of stereotyping. My married friends are totally clueless about what my life is like - despite all my best efforts to try and find a way of reaching understanding with them, and I have yet to find one that I share more than one interest with - understandable I guess because they still have their husbands. I still have my sisters - 1 here and 2 on the West Coast, and they are the women in my life. I am grateful for them beyond words. Our bond is unimpaired by time or distance.

@Tom - I remember Leo Buscaglia, have a couple of his books. Saw the PBS shows in the 80's. He was sweet and funny and fun to listen to, always thoughtful and uplifting.

@Lin - The thought of going through this kind of loss twice is terrifying. It's one that both my fiance and I have had to face because in all probability one of us is going to take this woeful walk yet again. I know what you mean about being "nearly destroyed." If it hadn't been for my sons, I wouldn't be here today writing this post, and even then it was a temptation to hurry the process to get to the other side and be with Cliff.

I have had to face a veritable laundry list of fears since Cliff died - the fear of being alone, the fear of driving a car, the fear of shopping at the supermarket alone, the fear of being a single parent (and screwing up), the fear of traveling alone, the fear of being taken advantage of by tradesmen, the fear of not being able to physically defend myself if I were attacked, the fear of remaking my identity, the fear of letting people know I was hurting, the fear of asking for help and admitting I couldn't do it all by myself, the fear of forgetting something and having some catastrophe happen because I have "Widow Brain," and on and on. This is a journey fraught with fears, or at least it has been for me. I have a 50-50 chance of being a widow again. Fact. Does that scare me? HELL YEAH! But the thought of looking back 10 years from now regretting not having lived my life to the fullest - the fullest for me, not by anyone else's definitions - scared me even more.

How many of us have wished for even just one more day with our lost loves? Just one more embrace, just one more "I love you?" Maybe I am nuts after all, this journey is sure enough to make you crazy, and maybe it's upside-down logic, but the lesson I got in part from this hellish journey is that if I have even one good year with my new husband it will be worth taking the chance. And if we manage to have 10, 20, or 30 together, I'm still going to live everyday like it might be our last together because it just might be. Scared? Oh yeah, but sometimes I have to do scary things to survive and be happy. Again - THAT'S JUST ME. I don't expect everybody's experience to be the same as mine, I only put this out there for those whose experiences may be similar to mine.

We should be able to look at all these replies and take heart and draw a measure of courage from them because we do still have choices, there are many ways to live and enjoy life again.

Love and Hugs, Martha

Wow, I do have to say that the responses to this post are deep and touching.

My one girlfriend was divorced and has been on her own for over 15 years. She is nearing 59 and content with her life. However, she would like to find a companion to have dinner with, movies, etc. The flip side is that she does not want to entertain intimacy and asked me if I thought there could be a companion relationship without that aspect entering into it.

I have always been logical and honest. Two of my good traits, at least I think so anyway. And some of you may disagree, but face it. As long as a man can perform, he is going to want to. I'm not saying they are not out there, but there are very few men, if any, who would continue a companionship relationship with intimacy too.

I, as well as my girlfriends, am in my 50's, and sex just is not a priority anymore. Through my cancer journey with my DH, I learned that it is NOT a necessary nor important part of a relationship.

And, thank you Martha, for admiring my relationship with the girls. I find total fulfillment with my female friendships. And a day does not go by that I don't miss, nor totally love my husband. In this world, men will come and go, but a good female friend with be there for life.