This feeling is all to familiar. I've been here before.  That downward spiral, the one you see coming and try to head off. Somehow despite my best efforts I fail to stop it. I lost him 18 months and 9 days ago. Even though things were looking up recently, the criminal trial took its toll. Graphic images of my love and the vehicle we were in, unethical lawyers, disgusting defense tactics, unapologetic defendant and defendants family, all have left the wounds fresh again. I want booze, pills, razors, anything to avoid this pain right now. I don't want to talk to my family because they hurt too. I really don't want to drag them through this again. While he was something different to all of them, and their futures didn't depend on him as much as mine did, they lost him too. I don't get to suffer more than them, but  the way I fall apart I can see why they might feel like I'm a drama queen. I sense what a burden I have become to all of them. I feel like I lost everything that day. My whole world imploded. I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my sense of security, financial stability, my health and able bodiedness, my sanity, my family and friends, my hopes and dreams, pretty much everything so I would even say I lost my life. I feel like I too died that day. Everything feels so distant today, like I'm really far away if that makes sense. I guess it's a hard describe feeling. Almost out of body.