My Roby passed away a few weeks before our 14th anniversary, he had promised he'd be there for that one, get passed that number 13.
Someone told me to celebrate in some way by myself just to honor that day. Maybe that's something you could do.
Roby stopped breathing here at home and I called in help and they did cpr till they got him to the hospital. My last memories are of him not breathing and us trying to get him started up again. We never got to say goodbye and never accepted that he would die anytime soon so we never talked about some things we should have.
I have regrets and guilt, surely I will learn to live with it somehow.
I hope you find a way to remember your anniversary as a good day and remember the good times.

I'm so sorry Jaime. You have accomplished all the first's and that is so hard. Yet, the road continues. The numbness is gone, the reality and sadness are prominent and you are alone (but we're here). A lifetime of plans can't be changed in a year.

It's not uncommon to have the feelings of the day you lost him return on our special days. It took a long time for me now to see my husband's hospital bed in our home. In fact, if I let my mind go there I can still can see it.

You are making great progress, and you are doing a great job. Sharon

I know just how you feel Jaime. I lost my husband May 6, 2012 and like you I thought I would be in a different place by now. In fact in past months I thought perhaps I was doing better but the last two weeks I have just been reliving the last six weeks of his life. It is like it is on a continous loop in my head. It least now I don't look back with recriminations but with profound pain. While I don't have words that will make you feel better I truly hope it helps to know you re not alone. Take care.
Dawn

Jaime,
My Charlie passed on April 9,2012.He was in the ICU on a ventilator for almost a month before that. I had to make the decision to let him go.The worst part of the anniversary of his passing was remembering all that led up to it, but I think that is something that has to be done. All that hurt and anguish has to get out of us. That does not mean it will never come back to haunt us, but I think exposing it to the light of day lessens it's power somewhat.

I did not remember that your anniversary was so close to the date. I know that makes it harder. Our anniversary was last August and I spent the day alone (with Charlie) going through pictures and remembering all our years together. I even took our my wedding dress. Charlie would always joke about not remembering the date. Neither of us were big on gifts, but there were always cards and dinner out. I bought him an anniversary card this year, too and I probably always will. It helps me feel closer to him.

I find that as time goes on there is more space between the periods of pain, but when they come they are just as bad. W can't forget, but then we do not want to.

I hope you can find a way to make your anniversary special with memories of your life with Chris.

I wish you peace. Julie

IN GENERAL TERMS:

The first year is grieving for our spouse -
Their loss of life, pain they may have suffered up to the time of death, the pain they suffered throughout life possibly at the hands of other people such as family, friends, employer, strangers, themself, etcetera. No longer alive on earth to experience the birth of their child (some widows are pregnant at the time of their spouses death) or be a part of their childhood or for the many milestones children achieve. All those things we cry for that they will miss. The retirement they worked for & should've enjoyed -

The second year is about us, for some, it is more painful -
We begin to grieve our loss, our past life with our partner. We look back at who we once were, the love & happiness we once had, We know who we want to be or how to get there. The plans we had for vacations or retirement The future looks bleak & more so b/c we feel alone & afraid, etcetera.

Hope this helps in providing some understanding of the reasons grief continues past a year -

*Be kind, loving & forgiving of yourself everyday of your life*

I can really understand what you are going thru. I just had my one year on Tuesday, everyday since 11 months was a count down in my mind. One year ago the doctor told us the chemo wasn't working, one year ago we entered hospice....and on and on. I think we relive this because we couldn't really grasp what was happening when it was happening...you know? I think it is the minds way of coping and processing what happened. Being on the other side of the one year...I feel better. I am not sure why and from experience I am sure I will have bad days...but today I am good. I hope this helps and I hope you find some peace today.
((Hugs))
Cathy

I am with you there. I have just finished my first 365 days of firsts. Everyday and special days on the calender were the first without the love of my life. Some so painful I did not want to see the next day after. But I am here still. I think the first hardest was our anniversary, because that was the next goal he wanted to make. We could only set short term goals, depending on how much time his chemo treatments were buying for us. I set up a page on my FB that had a limited friend group. That was just for me to write letters to him and share memories of him. It helped to let those closest to us understand, that for me, it's not over, my heart still is his. A the year went on I have edited the list to hose that reaaly care about me and my well being. For without them I would not be strong enough alone to cope. A pity that I sometimes feel like the only reason I am still here is to teach others that if you love deeply, that choose your battles, so that the memories are of cherishing each other. Here I share those thoughts, fears and ideas that others that have not lost thier spouse,could ever understand.

Very well stated, Dot Connector. Thank you.

Jaime
I think our world - society - people etc have us believing that time will make things better, that's a myth. And one I think I bought onto until I had to face this journey. There is so time limit on our sorrow, our loss, our grief.

We still get up each day, go to work, go outside or inside and do our chores, we eat, and sleep - we still go on breathing. The definition of living is changed for now. It is with the grace of God or that one step in our grief that gets us making living just one bit easier to deal with. And that comes and goes the easier part. And it comes when we have traveled each of those steps (which is different for individuals) I remember the first time I laughed and it was past the first year - it shocked me - but it made me feel I made a big step forward. Believe me I took many steps backwards but I realized the next steps forward were not as hard.

So I hope this gives you some encouragement. I think you are stronger than you now believe we suddenly realize we have no other choice, and that is what they would want for us. It made me believe my husband would want that for me. HUGS