Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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silverfoxwife 09/07/2012

It's almost 4 months since my husband passed away overseas and I haven't been angry with anyone until now. My mother in-law and I did not have a good beginning. From the start she didn't like me, thinking I took her son from her. She wrote a letter to him about me not having the same educational level etc. I found the letter that initiated the bad feeling in me towards her. I kept a distance but never interfered with their mother and son relationship. After we had children together she was not warm to them. Years after years she irritated me and my husband.

My angry feeling is now surfacing. I am angry she didn't love my husband, before he died, as much as her other sons . She didn't love our children like the other grandchildren. I am angry at her wanting to celebrate their 62nd anniversary when her first born son just died as if his death means nothing to her. I am so angry at her I could scream. He was a good and responsible son, an excellent father, grand father and husband. He didn't deserve this type of treatment from his mom. I don't want her in my life, but I know my husband wouldn't want me to have animosity towards his mom. It is just so hard to remain amicable.

deleted_user 09/07/2012

I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this, but it truly is her loss.
She missed the time and joy of your family, and now she can never know what it was like, or how amazing you guys were, but you didn't miss a thing by not having her around.
I had some step-daughters that took that attitude with me and my family and now they are the ones with the regret at the time lost which may be why she is going ahead with this party to try and ease her own pain.

ohsolost 09/07/2012

Of course you're angry! And, you have every right to be. I'm sorry you have to go through such animosity, especially since you are suffering the loss of your husband, which alone is enough.

Jhafford is absolutely correct: the one who has missed out is your mother-in-law. All those years of her hate are or will come back to bite her. Your dilemma, as far as trying to remain "amicable" to her knowing that is what your husband would want and disliking her for her ill treatment of you and your family, is truly confusing for you. I'm willing to bet that your husband, in his new home, backs you in however you deal with his mom now. My vote is to dump her as- and move forward with your children. Heck! Since she was not a part of your lives before your husband died, why would you all miss her NOW?

Whatever you decide to do, it will be the right thing for you. All of us here are with you...

Hugs,
Terry

silverfoxwife 09/08/2012

Thank you Jhafford and Ohsolost for your support, The strangest thing is that after I posted that they don't come to see my husband any more since his urn was brought home the first day, the next thing his father called to come to see him. I think it is my husband telling them to come to see him and me. I had a good long talk with my daughter tonight. I came to the conclusion that the reconciliation probably will have to be on my side to forgive my mother-in-law. I just don't know how yet. I have no problem with my father-in-law. My husband was a very forgiving man. I know he had forgiven her a long time ago.

deleted_user 09/08/2012

I think your anger is justified--and normal. Who knows why people make the choices they do--feeling superior--insecurity--selfishness. She lost out on a lot of time she can't get back and I'm sure she is realizing it now--and coping in her own way. The only advice I can give is to give yourself plenty of time and don't do anything off the cuff--you are grieving so heavily right now and emotions will run high--there is no way around that--you can't stop them and you shouldn't even try--but it's so easy to say or do something you regret later when your heart is so very heavy. Give yourself lots of time--you are probably right that in time you will be the one who makes the first move to reconciliation--at her age she probably just doesn't really know how anymore. You may be surprised to find that she is truly regretful for how things were--I hope so. In the long run your own heart will heal faster if you don't add to it by fretting over the past that can't be changed (no easy task I know). My thoughts and prayers are with you--I hope your in-laws realize how much they have missed and in the long run they are there for you and your kids to support you and help you move forward. Hugs

Shrn 09/08/2012

Your husband passed from his earth life with the knowledge of how much YOU loved him, supported him, and the special relationship you shared. YOU are the person who built a life and family with him. He is not in turmoil now, he is resting in peace and love.

Let the anger be. You can feel the unfairness and it is justified. Focus now on you and who you are and what you need to do to find your peace. I am here and so are your new friends to listen whenever you need to share. Sharon

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