Nancy,

Sad to say I really do understand. My best friend of 31 years passed 39 weeks ago yesterday. Needless t say I was devastated when I discover her in the morning. Nothing I can say will help or comfort you as we each one of us my travel our own path. Crying! I've learned to be very productive and have shed more tears than I thought possible. And believe that is a hard thing for a man to admit but I really have. 2 hour walks crying my eyes out and seeking answers that are not available. Sally had a bad heart that her complete family had or has. She was 61 and was taken way too early. My body has also physically hurt and been under extreme stress! Tears are tears and just that! A way of expressing our sadness and emotions so we may begin the healing process! The journey sucks big time and only those that have experienced a tremendous loss of a best friend can understand and relate. By far the worst experience I have ever has to endure. I just want you to know all of us out here on Ds feel your pain and suffering as all of us are walking the path and experiencing various levels of grief. Mine is lessening but is still painfully there with constant reminders and triggers that set me of crying. People talk of having a mask but I have no mask of for that matter filter on my mouth. I cry whenever and where ever I need to. I'm in this healing process for myself and do not care what anyone thinks. Do not think yourself weak because you cry! And forget what everyone else thinks because they cannot understand your pain. You have to live it to know it. Sorry you are here with us but we are here for you! Keep that in mind. Maybe you are the reason I could not sleep last night as I waiting to communicate with you. Nancy we are with you! Lean on us and we will be there for you! We are all hurting with you! Dewey

Nancy
I lost my husband 4 months ago yesterday. Suddenly after 38 years together ( married 35). I could have written what you wrote word for word. Those are feelings we all go through. Some more, some less, some every one you mentioned. I don't sleep at night more tha 2-3 hours and can't be around people for more than a couple of hours at a time either yet. This is a rough journey with twists and turns all along the way. They say it gets easier but it takes time and patience with yourself as well as support of people who understand and care. DS is the right place for that as we are all in the thros of grief. We are here to help, listen and add our 2 cents. We all know what you mean when you say you hurt. Come here when that restless feeling takes over. We will be here too. Robyn

Not a lot to add to the prior posts but we too were ready for the "next chapter" in our lives. We moved to an active community in July and my wife passed away Oct 25th of this year. I've been pretty numb but when the triggers happen the grief is almost suffocating with the finality of not being able to hear her voice, hold her, everything.

Many in here have expressed positive results from getting counseling / therapy from those that specialize in grieving when it becomes overwhelming.

As Dewey said, ours is a lamentable fraternity but here we are. There is comfort in knowing that many have & are sharing the type of pain you describe.

Thanks for sharing your pain with us. We at DS try to understand what you are going through, and we have gone through similar times. Please continue to share and we will pray for comfort for you. Chris

Dear Nancy:

You have found a wonderful, supportive and very understanding group of people. We all know the pain you are going through. I spent more then half my life with Art!! We were together for 30 years and married for 25. Art was 16 years older then me and passed at the age of 73. He had colon cancer 9 years ago and we would never had thought it would come back but it did. We found that out on March 9th and he passed away on May 19th. This is the hardest journey I have been on, watching him die and trying to learn how to live without him by my side. There are days I just do not want to go on but I know Art would want me to. I still cry a bunch and the pain comes and goes now. I do have days where I am hopeful for the future. It is an up and down journey!! You are not alone!! Hugs Sue

I'm at four years and my mind might work differently than others. I like to have an action plan on how to deal with challenges and obstacles in my life. Let me share some things that worked for me in adjusting to my new normal.

Shortly after the funeral, I decided that I was going to focus on myself. I had never lived alone and I wasn't sure I could do it. What I found out is that I'm alone, but not lonely. That has become my slogan for the new me. In order to maintain the connections in my life, I accepted almost every invitation that was extended to me. I also did not want to burden my friends and family with my grief and I feel that my grief is personal and no one else will understand.

Due to widow's fog, I had to make a list of those most important things I needed to take care of such as legal issues involving probate, remembering to license my vehicles, paying taxes, and many others. The first year I remortgaged our/my house to a lower interest rate and shorter term. I was VERY proud of myself for doing that alone. I actually qualified with my income alone and saved thousands in interest.

I've simplified my life by cleaning out two garages and every nook and cranny of my house. I had a huge yardsale and made a little money. I could go on and on about the things I have done over the past four years. Some of those things my husband would have approved of and some he wouldn't. This took me three years.

I know this might not work for you or anyone else for that matter, but it was important to me to have something to focus on in an attempt to regain some control over a life that seemed out of control. I made this decision consciously. It's been a lot of hard work and many times I wanted to give in to temptation and just sit down forever.

I wish you well on your journey. Keep coming here and posting.

Nessie from KY

Nancy, I am sorry for your loss, and I do understand what you mean. Cliff and I met when I was 20, he died when I was 50 - so it felt at times like we had grown up together, we had become who we were together. How to redefine myself and understand my place in the world after his sudden death?? It is never easy, it is always painful.....

I got counseling and that helped. I joined here and posted often and read much and that helped. I laughed whenever I could and cried whenever I needed to -- which seemed to be an awful lot. I remember thinking, 'who would have thought I had so much water in me??' Although I did get dehydrated and got muscle cramps from crying TOO much...

I did stumble onto a book that helped me immensely, and I highly recommend it -- "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. It was like having a gentle guide to help me reclaim myself and my life, and it made a huge difference in my healing. Check your public library for it, or you can get it on Amazon, and it is available for the Kindle reader, too.

I am sorry you needed to find us, but glad you did find us. I found DS 7 years ago when I lost Cliff, and being here helped me rebuild my life. I am now one of the Community Leaders along with Shrn and marjoe, and we have stayed on to help when we can. If we can help, you can message us anytime. You can spot the "CLs" by our blue badge on our photos. Welcome to the group.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Here is the perfect place to come to talk since no one else is really going to understand what you are experiencing. I know--I tried talking to others early on but they just can't grasp the depth of pain that we are experiencing.

I am going to get maddeningly practical but these things are important as well. I was having issues with sleeping and by accident think I discovered one of the contributing factors. The crying and immense stress just drain our bodies in so many ways and one thing that can happen is to develop deficiencies. I hadn't been sleeping well and had other issues as well for a few months. One day I bought some chocolate and just really over-indulged. Normally this would have given me a bad stomach ache but not this time! All of the physical symptoms I was having went away and I began sleeping better. I remembered that chocolate has a lot of magnesium and looked up the signs of deficiency. I had several of them. So, bottom line, even though healthy eating is the last thing we want to think about, it is important and can sometimes help with some of the problems we are having. And eating chocolate--what a great treatment!

I totally agree with Nessie from KY. Almost 9 months into this journey, I think the only thing that has kept me somewhat sane is focusing on "me" and clearing out the rubble of the past. I make notes of "to-do's" on a daily basis, check off what I'm able to do, re-add to the next day's list. Not every day is "sugar" and I don't often give myself a 10 for a job well done; however, in knowing I'm putting out my best effort offers me a level of comfort and positive pats on the back from me to me. I, also, have not totally succumbed to non-activity and non-productive days. Sure, I have a few, but not willing to lay down and drown in my sorrows and sitting on the proverbial pity pot.

It's not an easy journey and we all will find what works for us . . in our own time. No right or wrong. Feel what you feel, do what you need to do for "you" without explanation. Tears are golden and it's okay to cry. You are grieving many years and loss of love. To be anything other than your emotions right now would not be true to self. So kudos to you!

Thanks for sharing . . . we are all here to support each other, and we all care. Big hug to you and warm New Year's wishes for Peace. xo, Dayna

Nancy I feel the same. I used to resent seeing couples; but after, each couple I see I say thank God, and pray that they cherish each other. When I see young couples with young kids I smile to myself because I remember my husband and I taking out my kids.
My husband was young and diagnosed with brain cancer. Died after 3 months. Like you I feel robbed and cheated. We had a wonderful relationship. My kids are still very young. It pains me to see them without their dad.
I still cry a lot especially on mornings. It is not easy. God knows what is next for each of us. We are only to pray that the pain decreases.
I understand when you say you find it hard being single. Gosh most of what you verbalized on paper is what I feel. I am sure it is a natural process. t is as though you were writing about my feeling.
Be gentle with yourself. Cry when you feel to.
Big Hugs
Christne

Nancy, so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, we all do understand that immense pain. My husband passed in March from cancer. Hardest thing I have ever been through to watch the love of my life battle such a horrible cancer. I still cry every day. I have no family in immediate area except a sibling over 100 miles away. So have to reach out to girlfriends. If possible, I recommend joining a support group so you can share all you are going through. It helps me get that emotional support. Take baby steps, one day at a time. My heart goes out to you.

Nancy, I also understand your heartbreak. My husband passed in July. We had been married 34 years, over half of my life.
I still cry and ask, "what now?"
My heart hurts, too.

Have you joined a grief support group or talked to a therapist or tried an antidepressant?

Please know we all are here for you. And we understand.

Hugs,
Janie

I am so glad you came to this site to vent your feelings. How familiar they sound. What helped me most when I thought I was going insane, was coming to the site, all through the night, during the day, in the evening, I was clinging to whatever words of encouragement, hope, prayer and practical advice to help me on this grief journey. Everyone on this site helped me to navigate and even though it was heart wrenching, it could have been much worse. It has been seventeen months for me, and while I still miss him terribly, still cry, I see the light at the end of the grief tunnel, and you will too. I am praying for you, as I pray daily for all of us.

God Bless all of those who responded. I am overwhelmed by opening my email and finding all the thoughts in my head and heart written by others. I too feel a little of myself in every single comment from you. I have never been around death or someone that has passed away. I have been caring for my sick,elderly disabled mother for 6 years, preparing for her passing. I never in a million years would have guessed that it would be my husband I would be burying first. I am numb. and I still have to deal with the reality that I will be going through the same agony of watching my mother (my now rock) passing. I am lucky that I have support from my wonderful grown sons. I am not alone, just lonely, opposite of most I guess. You too have given me strength in ways I never thought possible. I can not believe so many of you took the time to share your thoughts and suggestions. I am glad I found this site. I am sure it was with the help of my husband, whom has guided me thru most of this journey sometimes with me kicking and screaming in denial. This, I fear will be the one time my tantrums will NOT work out the way I want them to . I miss him. I am a luck woman to have been loved so very much by a wonderful man. That's what makes it so impossibly painful.

Nancy, We share no BS as we all are in the same journey and it hurts all of us and we take each other's story as a personal challenge. We know it hurts and we are walking in the same valley of pain. Today I started going through papers to prepare for tax season. Cried as I looked through medical bills and other docs that must be addressed. Hurts but is a necessary evil that must be dealt with. Nancy, all this sucks but we have all moved to this path that was not expected, asked for or wanted. Unfortunately part of being want is called an adult! We all want to be a child again but guess what? Not going to happen.! Nancy, Dewman in MT and others scattered across the globe will stand in Nancy's corner to help a special person navigate through the maze. Pretty? Doable? With direction from the kind souls here? Yes! Please lean on us for strength and support. Montana Hugs to everyone! Dewey