Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I feel like I will explode if I cannot at least express some thoughts. I lost my wife of what would have been 25 years next month on April 22nd. I am 43 and have 7 wonderful children ages 1-16. There is so much to say and I feel like those that ask how I am doing do not really understand what they are asking. I would not feel comfortable even burdening them with the truth because it is very heavy emotionally and most people are not equipped to deal with that. Then I even fight myself because I totally believe God will be glorified in this and so I will endure waiting for that day.
I dont even know where to begin. My wife was sick with cancer for about a year. For about the past 6 months she was so sick we could barely hold hands it was so painful. I prayed to have her pain transferred to me 100 times over if necessary just to bring her relief but none came. Emotionally that literally was killing me. I had spent the last 25 years doing my best to be a husband that fought for his wife and I was watching something attack her in front of me and I was helpless. I feel so guilty because part of me is happy it is over and she is with our heavenly Father at peace and without pain. I feel so guilty because I did everything I could to help heal her here on earth and it did not work. I feel so guilty because 25 years of silly fights and disagreements haunt me because I only see the things I did wrong and I hate myself for it.
I feel guilty because I always felt like she was going to get better so not having a physical relationship was no big deal. But now the weight of 6 months without affectionate physical touch, and I do not even mean sex, just touch, you know the type where your heart races just because touching means so much, has come crashing down on me and I feel like I would crawl a mile over broken glass just to hold someones hand who loved me affectionately.
I feel like I failed as a husband and father and no amount of assuring yourself that you did everything you could helps.
I thought I wanted to dream about her but I did yesterday and have not been able to shake the absolute loneliness I feel in my soul. It was so real, we were laughing and then I realized it was a dream and I started crying and woke up. Now I feel guilty that I no longer want to dream about her.
I am sorry for the long post. I actually could do more but was barely able to make it through this. I just thought if any group would understand, you guys would. I earnestly pray for all of you would have lost your spouse. I would prefer no one have to endure this.
Blessings
I dont even know where to begin. My wife was sick with cancer for about a year. For about the past 6 months she was so sick we could barely hold hands it was so painful. I prayed to have her pain transferred to me 100 times over if necessary just to bring her relief but none came. Emotionally that literally was killing me. I had spent the last 25 years doing my best to be a husband that fought for his wife and I was watching something attack her in front of me and I was helpless. I feel so guilty because part of me is happy it is over and she is with our heavenly Father at peace and without pain. I feel so guilty because I did everything I could to help heal her here on earth and it did not work. I feel so guilty because 25 years of silly fights and disagreements haunt me because I only see the things I did wrong and I hate myself for it.
I feel guilty because I always felt like she was going to get better so not having a physical relationship was no big deal. But now the weight of 6 months without affectionate physical touch, and I do not even mean sex, just touch, you know the type where your heart races just because touching means so much, has come crashing down on me and I feel like I would crawl a mile over broken glass just to hold someones hand who loved me affectionately.
I feel like I failed as a husband and father and no amount of assuring yourself that you did everything you could helps.
I thought I wanted to dream about her but I did yesterday and have not been able to shake the absolute loneliness I feel in my soul. It was so real, we were laughing and then I realized it was a dream and I started crying and woke up. Now I feel guilty that I no longer want to dream about her.
I am sorry for the long post. I actually could do more but was barely able to make it through this. I just thought if any group would understand, you guys would. I earnestly pray for all of you would have lost your spouse. I would prefer no one have to endure this.
Blessings
Since my wife passed I have not had a "normal" sleep pattern. I wake up after about an hour or 2 sleep. And always around 3:30. It's weird but most times when I have an especially bad day I'll wake up at 3:28am. My wife's birthday was 3-28. I see little things like this all the time.
I recently got a recording from a hypnotherapist to help me sleep. I have only used it twice but the second time I don't remember the end and slept through the night. Not recommending it, it's an individual choice but my wife was trained in hypnosis and I understand what it can do
Take care, Jeff
I felt that I didn't do enough for Morey [when, in fact, I did so much, I can't believe how tiring both physically and mentally it can be to watch your love be in agony and slowly deteriorate.]
Each of us has a unique and special story to tell of the passing of our mates......A story that no one should ever have to experience!
Be gentle and kind to YOU....You've been through so much and are slowly coming out the other side. You are not alone!
Warmly,
Roz