Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I feel like I will explode if I cannot at least express some thoughts. I lost my wife of what would have been 25 years next month on April 22nd. I am 43 and have 7 wonderful children ages 1-16. There is so much to say and I feel like those that ask how I am doing do not really understand what they are asking. I would not feel comfortable even burdening them with the truth because it is very heavy emotionally and most people are not equipped to deal with that. Then I even fight myself because I totally believe God will be glorified in this and so I will endure waiting for that day.
I dont even know where to begin. My wife was sick with cancer for about a year. For about the past 6 months she was so sick we could barely hold hands it was so painful. I prayed to have her pain transferred to me 100 times over if necessary just to bring her relief but none came. Emotionally that literally was killing me. I had spent the last 25 years doing my best to be a husband that fought for his wife and I was watching something attack her in front of me and I was helpless. I feel so guilty because part of me is happy it is over and she is with our heavenly Father at peace and without pain. I feel so guilty because I did everything I could to help heal her here on earth and it did not work. I feel so guilty because 25 years of silly fights and disagreements haunt me because I only see the things I did wrong and I hate myself for it.
I feel guilty because I always felt like she was going to get better so not having a physical relationship was no big deal. But now the weight of 6 months without affectionate physical touch, and I do not even mean sex, just touch, you know the type where your heart races just because touching means so much, has come crashing down on me and I feel like I would crawl a mile over broken glass just to hold someones hand who loved me affectionately.
I feel like I failed as a husband and father and no amount of assuring yourself that you did everything you could helps.
I thought I wanted to dream about her but I did yesterday and have not been able to shake the absolute loneliness I feel in my soul. It was so real, we were laughing and then I realized it was a dream and I started crying and woke up. Now I feel guilty that I no longer want to dream about her.
I am sorry for the long post. I actually could do more but was barely able to make it through this. I just thought if any group would understand, you guys would. I earnestly pray for all of you would have lost your spouse. I would prefer no one have to endure this.
Blessings
I dont even know where to begin. My wife was sick with cancer for about a year. For about the past 6 months she was so sick we could barely hold hands it was so painful. I prayed to have her pain transferred to me 100 times over if necessary just to bring her relief but none came. Emotionally that literally was killing me. I had spent the last 25 years doing my best to be a husband that fought for his wife and I was watching something attack her in front of me and I was helpless. I feel so guilty because part of me is happy it is over and she is with our heavenly Father at peace and without pain. I feel so guilty because I did everything I could to help heal her here on earth and it did not work. I feel so guilty because 25 years of silly fights and disagreements haunt me because I only see the things I did wrong and I hate myself for it.
I feel guilty because I always felt like she was going to get better so not having a physical relationship was no big deal. But now the weight of 6 months without affectionate physical touch, and I do not even mean sex, just touch, you know the type where your heart races just because touching means so much, has come crashing down on me and I feel like I would crawl a mile over broken glass just to hold someones hand who loved me affectionately.
I feel like I failed as a husband and father and no amount of assuring yourself that you did everything you could helps.
I thought I wanted to dream about her but I did yesterday and have not been able to shake the absolute loneliness I feel in my soul. It was so real, we were laughing and then I realized it was a dream and I started crying and woke up. Now I feel guilty that I no longer want to dream about her.
I am sorry for the long post. I actually could do more but was barely able to make it through this. I just thought if any group would understand, you guys would. I earnestly pray for all of you would have lost your spouse. I would prefer no one have to endure this.
Blessings
Don't beat yourself up about petty arguments and the like. I would believe she wouldn't want you to. I also understand what you mean about touch and loneliness. I was 19 when we married and I haven't known really another life except being married. We went everywhere together. We never went out after work with co-workers because we loved each other's company. We road our motorcycle a lot. So I understand when you describe your feelings.
I believe as some others that our departed loved ones reach out to us in dreams. I have had a few and they don't seem like regular dreams. When I wake up it's like someone hit me with a taser.
My wife passed of breast cancer. Within 6 months from diagnosis to her passing. It's been about 2 and 1/2 years since she passed. The grief has gotten better, but I'm telling you some days are worse than others. Special days, a song, a smell, all those triggers just hit you sometimes.
You have one thing that will help you besides the people here and that is your kids. Be there for them. Always talk about your wife. Keep her a part of the family. I talk about Donna all the time. Sometimes it makes them uneasy, and I understand but I'm not going to pretend she didn't exist, because she did. I wouldn't be who I am today had it not been for her......
Ale care or yourself, and take care of your kids. We are here for you anytime. I'm sending a friend request. Please feel free to message me anytime.
Jeff
Guilt was the theme of your post. Unfortunately it is also part of the inherent theme of grief. We have all lost and we are left with regrets.
With this said, guilt is a useless emotion in this case. You couldn't have done more, been more, given more . . .
Please don't hate yourself and beat yourself further. Again, pointless.
You need to focus on you and your children now, please.
I'm so sorry for your loss . . please reach out anytime . . . we are here and we do understand and care!
Hugs, Dayna
What I will say is this -- I believe that dreams can be more than dreams, they can be visitations. And I know it leaves you lonelier, but for me, the dreams that my wonderful husband appears in are miracles in and of themselves.
Grief Counseling groups might help you -- it really helped me. Because all of your feelings are normal, yet you are alone in feeling them, and you never felt them before, so they don't feel normal. But in a grief group, you meet people who are facing the same challenges and a good counselor can lead the group through some good learning about how to grieve and how to be kind to yourself. The Samaritan Hospice near me had affordable grief counseling that was very very helpful.
I wish I had been a 'better' wife, I wish I hadn't been so harsh with him in the end. The weekend that I had to call an ambulance, he was acting psychotic, and I thought he had taken too many benzos or something. While we knew he was sick, we didn't know how sick he was. The RCMP basically had to drag him out to the ambulance and have him admitted to the hospital under the mental health act, where it was determined that his liver had failed, and the psychosis was due to dementia caused from the disease. That day, a Sunday, will always haunt me until I die. I feel guilty for all the times I caved into him when he called me as I was doing errands, asking me to pick up beer or rye. He had addiction issues with a lot of different substances, and I feel guilty that I was unable to control him...and I feel guilty about 2006, when we were separated for a couple of months due to his substance/domestic abuse. I feel like it was when he was living downtown for those few weeks that he caught the Hep C that exacerbated his liver disease. And, I feel guilty about the times he begged me to take him home and I didn't, hoping that he would get better in the hospital. I prayed and prayed for a miracle. I thought God would 'fix' him. I prayed for mercy...and at one point, he started to get better. I so wanted to bring him home, but because I have a 19 year old with special needs (autism), doctors and social workers didn't think I could handle both. The one thing, if nothing else, that I wanted was for him to die at home...not at some 'creepy hospice', as I called it...and that's exactly what happened, 3 days after he was transferred there.
He passed only 2 months after being diagnosed with end stage liver disease. And I feel guilty that I wasn't able to make him get checked out sooner...
So I understand exactly where you are coming from with the guilt perspective. Again, I am so sorry for your loss..I know how very hard and heartbreaking it is. For what it's worth, you are not alone in this struggle. Take care of yourself, and may God be with you
wendi
Did anyone else experience a strange sleep pattern? I am unable to fall asleep until at least 2 and I wake up around 5:30 and I am not tired. I started my bible time back up and I was doing great until yesterday. I guess its going to be that way for a while.
Seriously, you guys are awesome.
Blessings,
Don
Kim
I totally get the knowing that others in my regular life do not understand, nor do they want to understand, what I am going thru. I also do not tell them the whole truth, when asked, "how are you". I think about how I should have been more affectionate toward him in the last months. I was preoccupied with my own medical journey.
I also understand your explanation of your dream. I dream of my husband most every night. In the dreams he is alive and we are talking and hugging. Then I wake up and realize it was just a dream and the reality washes over me. It is horrible and painful.
I am thankful that we have a place here to vent our feelings and not be judged and receive understanding and encouragement. Encouragement that in time, a lot of time maybe, we will have some portion of peace and hope for our futures. I don't have children, but I am thankful you do. Children to give you purpose and give you joy.
Thank you for sharing your true feelings. May there be some small comfort in knowing you are not alone. Come back and post as often as you wish.
I miss him so much and it has been since 7/6/2013 that he went to be with our Father in Heaven. My mother also suffered from cancer the same time and followed my husband 1/17/2014. On 1/20/2015 I was diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer. The hard part is not the cancer itself but not having my husband here with me.
Take care. I will be praying for you and your family. I am here if you need to talk.