I need a word. Not memories , I can't tie my new identity to the past and to who I was; I've got to look to the future. So I need a word that fits me today, the woman I want to become and am trying to become.

I've toyed with the idea of "beginnings" but as in new beginnings I don't want to carry that around with me for the next 12 months, at some point, beginnings become middles and potential has to be realized. I guess I'm afraid I won't be as successful as I want to be.

I want to discover who I am, now that I am single again. For 15+ years my identity was tied to Roger, we were a team, complementing each other's strengths and weaknesses. When he was better at one thing I was better at another. I don't want to dwell on how happy we were in those years, many times i am overwhelmed by the pain of his loss and regret. While I can take some moments for memories they do not accomplish my future.

I've tried the word Faithful - faithful to my heart and soul that I can do this but my doubts drag my belief down...

It's been taking a long time to feel anything but crushing , horrendous pain. While I do smile at remembering his face and smile it brings me no real satisfaction - I have to concentrate on living well - just me.

And that is why I am struggling to find one word that will send me in the direction of finding a successfull live with me.