Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
In my pain over the last 3 years, I have been bitter and angry at people who have not supported me. Mostly ignoring me. In my mind, I have torn them down as being selfish and uncaring.
Then I began looking inside my heart. How did I extend myself and support other widows/widowers when I was still married? I sent a condolence card at the time of death. But when did I seek them out at church just to grap their hand and say I was thinking of them. When did I call any one of them to include them in an event? I didn't. When did I offer a ride to an elderly widow/widower? I didn't. I'm not a mean person, I was just clueless.
I must forgive today's clueless people because I was one of them for many years. The only answer I know of is education. We need to discuss death and widowhood more in our society. But for now, I forgive all those who appeared to ignore me or hurt me. I was one of them,too.
Then I began looking inside my heart. How did I extend myself and support other widows/widowers when I was still married? I sent a condolence card at the time of death. But when did I seek them out at church just to grap their hand and say I was thinking of them. When did I call any one of them to include them in an event? I didn't. When did I offer a ride to an elderly widow/widower? I didn't. I'm not a mean person, I was just clueless.
I must forgive today's clueless people because I was one of them for many years. The only answer I know of is education. We need to discuss death and widowhood more in our society. But for now, I forgive all those who appeared to ignore me or hurt me. I was one of them,too.
Nessie from KY
We also must remember that until other things happen to us we will not understand that either. Like being robbed, mugged, homeless, broke, sick, or losing everything we have. We just don't get it an neither do they.
Good post Kathleen.
Hugs,
JoAnn
As everyone has said, no one knows until it happens to them. When I am sad, missing my husband, or have the need to cry, I do it privately. If not, the outside world would take it differently as if I'm just not happy anymore and I need something to create happiness.
Frustrating, but they will never understand. I don't open Pandora's Box, but save my frustrations for my counselor.
I was once resentful with the people who dropped out of site. Now it is their problem, not mine. I don't worry about it anymore.
One of the good things I've learned as I've walked through grieving and am still on the path is to be more sensitive to others, that kindness and simple compassion always wins.
One of my closest girl friends can't go with me very deeply into the darkness of grief. She isn't capable and sometimes that hurts me. I have made many new friends here and on FB that do understand completely and totally what this walk is. We have met in person, many of us, the support is fabulous. Having friends that do get it has helped me continue to love and care and be close to my friend that can't go to the hard places with me, because I have those who do.
I also need to let go of the hurt I feel of those I perceive "failed" me and also forgive myself when I have not been as comforting to others before my life changed.
Great post! Making me think and evaluate myself---
Sallie
Thank you for putting my feelings into words. Yes, I too was one of those clueless ones. And, yes, I can forgive the questions/comments of those who now use those same questions/comments that I once did in my "clueless" days. One of the many lessons I have learned during my grief process and one of the many lessons I am taking with me into the future.
Hugs,
Terry