Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I’m new here and not quite sure how this site works. I previously posted but didn’t see my post, so I’m going to try again. I’m 56 and the love of my life, my rock, my happy place even in the darkest of times passed away on 4/16/19 and I’m suffocating from this horrible grief. I had to take care of my dad that day (he passed away on 5/5/19) and due to some schedule change I was able to leave earlier than anticipated. I called my “hubby” to let him know I was going to be home around 3 pm. He said he was planning on going to the gym but was going to take a nap and wait for me to come home instead. I last spoke to him on the phone around 2 pm. When I got home he was in bed but did not respond when I greeted him. I thought he was pretending to be asleep, so I hopped on top of him and gave him a kiss. It took me about 30 seconds to realize that he was not pretending to be asleep. I immediately dialed 911, did CPR and the perimedics worked on him for 30 minutes but it was too late. I listened to his heartbeat, which was very faint and he took his last breath while I did CPR. He died from a heart attack at age 57. He had a stent but seemed to be doing ok, however, his doctor informed me that his heart was not healthy and he kept how bad it really was from me. I know he did this because I worry a lot and I would have waited for the “big one” to happen every minute of every day and night. I remember him telling me that death is part of living but to always focus on living. He was not afraid of death and this does bring me comfort. He believed he was going to be reunited with his loved ones (mom and younger brother). I truly hope there is more after we die. I can’t believe he is gone. I am a metal wreck. I can’t sleep in our bed because if I try to sleep on my side I expect to feel his arms around me and for him to snuggle into me. If I try to sleep on his side I’m overwhelmed with the grief that he died there. I’m probably not making much sense. All I know is that I can’t function. I’m so lost and so sad. I don’t want to move on without him. I wish I could just fall asleep and join him. I’m not contemplating suicide because our son needs me and I have a 7 month old puppy who also needs me and besides, suicide is not the answer. I’m trying to say that I wish I could join him because being here without him is unbearable.
And then I watched my dad take his last breath on 5/5/19 (he was in hospice care and actually opened his eyes for the first time in a week right before he passed). It was a beautiful moment but still so heartbreaking. All I could think was that I was going to go home to my puppy but that my man was not going to be there to comfort me. I am so alone! My family thinks I should be ok, I should plan my future. It’s almost like they don’t want to acknowledge my loss. Quick history, we were high school sweethearts, had a son when we were 19, spent 10 years together, went our separate ways for 25 years (he went oversees due to being in the military) and got back together for the last 6 years. He is and will always be the love of my life. I have wonderful memories but I don’t find any joy or comfort when I think about all of the good times we shared. I break down and cry no matter where I’m at (grocery store, in the car, in the shower, watching TV, reading, taking my puppy for a walk .. .. I’m sure you understand). I moved into a new place by myself last week because we had plans to move anyway and I figured I might as well get it over with now. It’s been really tough. I feel like I’m going to suffocate. This grief is so strong, so painful. I don’t know how to handle it. Does it get better? I can’t imagine my life without him. I miss him so much. My heart is broken into a million pieces and I don’t think it will ever be the same. I don’t want to be so sad. I want him to come back. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I haven’t even begun to grief the loss of my dad. I don’t know how to process any of this.
You are making perfect sense ! You are having to deal with what is one the most painful thing on this life's journey. In my fantasy of our future together we would have grown old together, watch our kids follow their dreams , possibly get married and let us enjoy grand babies... Instead he never even got to see his kids graduate from University ....
You did not only lose your spouse, you lost your future dreams part of yourself with him. I also wanted to be with my spouse. My kids were the only reason that suicide was not an option.
It may not seem like it will get better but it will . One day you will realize that you were able to have a stretch of a few more hours between crying...That the crying melt downs will last a few minutes less than before...That a memory will make you smile while at the same time crying ...
Imagine if you had been in a major car wreck that required many surgeries...You would not be expected to just get up from your hospital bed the next day and move on as if the accident had not happened. Well your heart has suffered a major wreck and needs the time to heal so be kind to yourself.
It has been 6 years since becoming a widow at the age of 48 and the first year was a year of extreme pain and survival . Doing everything in power to "get better". This included bereavement group which after each sessions for the first 3 weeks, left me completely devastated but I would continue to go and hope that something small as it might be, would give me a grain of hope that I could survive the loss. When the sessions ended after 8 weeks, I joined here (I had found it early on but could not process it all and needed some more time) . Reading from posters who had been here longer , gave me hope...
I was totally candid with my emotions on here, in a way that I could not be with people in my life. My fears, my frustrations, always someone would give me the needed support.
With this new site format , it takes longer for someone to respond but reading other posts will still help.
Year 2 , I started coming out of the fog but then year 2 is hard on it's own for the fact that year 2 coming out of the fog , reality hits . It was year 3 when I felt that I could breathe again . It's a process that unfortunately has no short cuts.
Hugs xo
I read your commentary,
are posting regularly
I try to get up here qd
my wife Edith was older
but similar to what happened to me
she had stroke I tried CPR
6 weeks ago, still very intense
Happy to hear from you,
Tom
I’m planning on visiting our son in VT within the next 2 weeks. I’m looking forward to the road trip with my puppy, but I feel physically sick to think I’m doing this without him. We had planned this trip and were looking forward to some nice time with our son and to enjoy going fishing. I still can’t believe he is gone. I think I’m still in shock. I can’t get the image of him dead out of my mind. The coroner didn’t show up for over 2 hours, so I had time to spend with him but seeing him with the breathing tube, lying on the floor with that sheet .... it takes my breath away. I just can’t stop crying. I wonder if his spirit is here with me or if he is just completely gone? I’m so sad. Thanks again for listening and replying.
You have had more than one loss this year and you are devastated. You've lost the love of your life which is probably the biggest grief one can experience, plus you've lost your father and now you've moved. Those are, each by themselves, a major change; and you've had all three in a short time.
Yes, you are in shock.
This hurts and will hurt for a long time. But it will get better.
When my husband died, I found out that grief is MUCH bigger than anything I had feared it would be. I could hardly function at all. I probably WASN'T functioning---just going through the motions.
But my husband had led me to Jesus when I was 17, so I cried out to Him. I told God that I trusted Him with my future and my children's future; and He immediately filled me with peace. Even joy.
Going through grief was still terrible and every day had to be lived alone. I couldn't look ahead at all. I could only get through each day and sometimes just each minute, but God held me and encouraged me and did miracles for me throughout that time.
So, I tell you that it will get better and it will; but I am sorry for the deep pain I know you are experiencing right now. I will pray for you, dear one.
My wife of 26 years had her Spirit Birthday at 4:08 PM eastern on June 12, 2015.
Everything you described, the feeling of suffocating, the nonstop crying ( yes men do cry when their spouse leaves this life...if they don't, then they never really loved her), waiting to wake up from the nightmare but you never do...I know it well from the last four years.
Married people, in a real marriage, are not two separate people, they are the other half of each other. When one leaves earth for the Spirit Realm, the one left behind has lost half of themselves, and have become somebody they never met. You have to start over again.
We don't sleep right, often passing out from sheer exhaustion. And in a few hours we wake up... wishing we didn't have to.
And we wonder. Is there really anything after this? Will we ever see them again? Or are we just kidding ourselves?
Some people in the church say that communicating with the dead is a form of satanism. Others say there is no such thing. "Get over it...get back to reality...go back to work... make money, pay bills.
The only thing we know for sure is, that anybody who claims to know for sure is a liar.
Is his spirit with you...or is it just your imagination?
Do you remember ever feeling his presence inside, before you detected him with any of your physical senses?
Have you ever felt his presence in the same way...SINCE his Spirit Birthday?
Evidently you have, because you asked the question...real, or delusion?
I went back to work about 2 weeks after "12", Marylou's Spirit Birthday, driving truck over the road, 8 days out, 2 days off.
Every day on the road, without anticipating it, about 3:00 in the afternoon I would automatically start looking for a place to shut down for a few hours so I could call Marylou.
We talked every day in the afternoon. But then a wave of agony would wash over me when I remembered there was no one to call.
But if I was driving, and I put an Alabama CD in the player... Marylou's favorite music...then I would feel her presence inside, like you described.
About a month after I went back to work, I started to get used to feeling her Spirit, so that I knew she was with me, and that I didn't really "lose" her.
One warm evening in Western Ohio, about sunset, I pulled into a rest area after driving all day...with the feeling that she was sitting in my lap. From the driver's seat, my view was of a cornfield with a tall tree line about 50 yards beyond. Behind the tree line was the last pink glow of the sunset...it was dark over the cornfield, and with the soft love songs of Alabama playing, there were millions of fireflies flashing over the cornfield, looked like a fireworks show.
A private fireworks show, for my wife and I. Because there has never been a doubt in my mind that in that moment, she was with me in the cab of that truck, 200%.
Some people would say it's a delusion of wishful thinking. Well, they can believe whatever they want.
But so can I. I learned from this, that we choose what we believe.
That's all we got. Because anybody who says they know it ain't true, is a liar.
No two people grieve the same way.
But we choose what we believe.
And if we are blessed enough to believe and know that we didn't "lose" them... that's when it starts getting better.
We choose what we believe. And nobody can ever take that from us.
I don't feel my husband around, but I think of him daily, even though I've found love again. A couple days ago, I saw something I'd never seen before: a bluebird. They used to be rather common, and they are rebounding, but *I* had never seen one. Late Husband and I were bird watchers, not avid or anything, but we did put up feeders and kind of keep track. I looked in the Audubon guide to double check that was what I had seen, and next to the description late Husband had noted a date he had seen them. It's kind of weird, but in a way when I see something like that, I'm glad he got to to see them.