Oh knk, I have no words. Your story is horrible! Seems like just when we think we have heard it all, then something else comes along to shock us all.

Please listen. Your son needs you. He's already lost his dad. My heart breaks for both of you.

Can you get meds for sleeping? Sleep deprivation will make us all nervous and shaky-legged and out of sorts. You can't heal when you are exhausted!

Any family members or good friends who can help you pursue Kaiser? Your son and fighting Kaiser can be reasons to live. Love and justice, those are so important.

Please, please, please hang in there! Sending big hugs...

MysticDay

so sorry you are going through all this. Your son does need you more now that ever. You need to check to see if counseling is part of your insurance and take advantage of any help you can get. death is hard whether it was from sickness, human error, or accidental. stay strong. Hugs Arlene

Your son does need you. He can't lose both his parents. He needs you now more than ever. And you need him too.

My daughter is 7 and what you have said sounds much like her. She is fighting with me a lot. She gets so mad! But that is more about missing her daddy than being mad at me. Once she could express that things got a lot better. When she wants to scream cause her world is wrong without her dad she has no one to scream at but me. So I told her that its ok to want to scream. I do too. I can help her to find a way to let out the feelings safely. So we cry together. We beat up pillows if we need to. We talk about how to learn to live again. Our littles are in a very similar place. They can be our team as we walk through this. Cause they are walking through hell too.

Big hugs

knk, I hear your anguish and I totally get it......the very same thing happened to my husband. Medicine is not perfect but it's all we have. I was told that some of the medicines that the doctor would be using could cause brain hemorrhage, stroke, heart attack, violent mood swings and on and on. If they didn't give him the meds he could possibly die of all of the above anyway! It was so confusing and he was becoming so angry at everyone who came into his room, it seemed that we had to try something. For a few days he seemed to be getting better, then he suddenly died in his sleep. My children wanted me to pursue a malpractice law suit. I was exhausted with despair and grief. I didn't want to carry this nightmare any further.

I wanted to die and be with him and then I realized that my children needed a parent to guide and love them - That was me!

I owed it to my husband to carry on for both of us and show that his life was worth something and I would show the children and myself that their Dad will ALWAYS be alive in their hearts and they owed it to his memory to live the very best life that they could and I needed to lead the way by example.

WHY, they had to die the way they did, is not for us to understand, we never will accept it, we don't have to. However, if we don't prevail and keep moving forward and live the very best life we can then we're letting our children, ourselves and our men down.

Stay Strong, I'm on your side,
Roz

knk, it is unfair and horrible. My first reaction was how dare they list od as cause of death. It sounds as if he did it too himself and you already know it was the medication the physicians gave him. I implore you to do nothing drastic. If you kill yourself who will be left to fight this and get his death certificate corrected? Who will be around to explain the correct details to your son about his dad? If your not here who will take this case to a malpractice attorney and see that justice prevails? Most attorneys will do an initial consultation for free. They could let you know what your chances are to win a law suit.
knk, right now you are overwhelmed. You haven't had proper sleep for a very long time. You are unable to think clearly. Call somebody, family, friend, clergy, counselor, anyone who may be able to help you work this out and give you the support you need and deserve at a time like this. You are not alone. We are here, we listen, we care. I am praying for you and your son. May God bless you and keep you safe, may he guide you in your time of need.

knk -

I can actually see your pain in your words. What you
have been through and you are going through is
horrible.

I think the thought of suicide crosses the mind of many
widows and widowers at given points as must of us
suffer from depression. At almost 8 months, it entered
my mind many times in the early months. At 2 months,
I spent an entire day alone on a Sunday trying to reach
a decision as to whether to end it and actually reached
a critical point about 5:00 p.m. The pain was so alive in
me that I could almost touch it. Then, I thought of my
family and what they would have to go through. I thought
of my youngest son ( 30 years old ) that my wife and I
had together. He had already lost his Mother. Losing his
Father would have pulled him under.

As Mystic Day and others have said, your son needs
you now and he is going to need you in the future. You
may find it difficult but he will know you stood by him
and stayed in the future.

There are plenty of lawyers that want to handle medical
malpractice lawsuits and they do it on contingency fees
if there is a paper trail confirming what happened. Turn it
over to a good law firm and let them handle it and remove
it from your plate, so to speak. That will allow you to FOCUS
entirely on your grief and your son.

The circumstances for all of us are different but the level
of raw pain of losing a husband or wife is often the same.

In the early weeks, I tried to develop a new " life viewpoint "
( as suggested by some supposed " grief experts " ) as it
is suggested it will turn a survivor in a completely new
direction. It was all nonsense to me.

What I found was after researching anything and everything
on grief, the only way I have been able to get through any of
it is to take it one minute at a time and, occasionally, one
hour at a time. I am very, very slowly working myself up to
a position of taking it one day at a time. The pain is still
there and it is often as raw as it was the first few weeks at
times. The raw pain hits and it brings tears, tears, tears. I
am a man that has never shed a tear in my life until I lost
her almost 8 months ago. I have not stopped crying since
and it is now just a part of my daily life.

Continue to talk to your husband. I talk to my wife several
times a day. She has not answered me but I am confident
I know where she went and she is not alone. Your husband
may likely answer you when you least expect it.

I also spend most of my evenings lighting candles
and thinking of the good memories of our life
together. That produces tears but it also makes me
very grateful for the time we had together.

Please let us know how you are doing in the coming
days. There are plenty of us here that care.

All the best and in my thoughts -

Darrell from Texas

knk, Im sorry you are feeling so alone right now. I do know how that must feel. Im raising a little girl on my own now, and helping my older daughter cope. I promise, as time goes on, your husband will somehow come to you, or let you know he is ok. Right now you need to try to take care of yourself, sleep, eat, and rest. It's ok to feel the way you do as far as feeling lost, but then you may want to go see a doctor, you may be dealing with some depression. I hope you can find a way to push foward. Much love and big hugs carla

KNK, I am just sorry....wish I could hug you and offer some comfort- besides just typing these words.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I actually visited my doctor while my husband was still alive, and she prescribed Xanax. I only take it at night, and it helps me sleep. See your doctor. You're son needs you, and although I know how hard it is to function right now, make him your focus, and strength.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and feeling. Your son needs you more now than ever. There is no way he would be better without you.

I know you don't feel strong now but you can do this. Its hard, its lonely, its in no way what we wanted but we are all our children have left..... They don't deserve to lose two parents. I know you don't feel like getting out of bed in the morning but honestly my son is the only reason that I do get up and move at all. I can bet that your son is looking for strength in you so try hard to remember he needs his mom.

Hugs

lifeisunreal, please do not suggest that suicide is something in general that we, as widows and widowers, have felt at sometime is true. It is not. However, sleep deprivation and stress such as you, knk2112, have felt really can make it hard to stay focused and keep going.

I think in addition to a support group such as this one, you might want to look for one in your area that you can go to. Hospice facilities have groups, and it may be a good fit for you.

You need sleep and rest so badly, and I understand that it won't be easy under the circumstances. I agree with others that raising your son and fighting Kaiser is a reason to keep moving, and you must keep moving. Counseling for you and your son sounds like a good idea as well. You both need to work through your grief, and maybe doing it together will make you stronger.

Please stay strong. You must. Your husband wouldn't want you to leave your son parentless. And, however angry your son is, he needs you now more than ever.

God bless!

I am sorry for what you are going through. When Ed dies our son had a VERY hard time. Issues at school were so bad that I would have to leave work to get him and take him home. It took about a year for him to settle down. Dealing with the stress of his being so upset along with the shock and pain of losing the love of your life seemed like more than I could bear. It has been almost 2 1/2 years since Ed passed. I won't tell you it necessarily gets better, it is not as "raw" as it was at first.

You are in the right place. Even just reading other people's posts helped me more than I can describe. Everything you are feeling is what alot of us went through as well. This is a great place to vent and be mad as hell for your pain as well as your child's.

Take it day by day. minute by minute. Take care of you.