Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
As the days go on and I have to adjust to live without the love of my life.. It does not feel like it gets any easier. I still reread our text messages, rewatch our videos and listen to the videos of him singing.. what a beautiful voice he had and I would give my entire world to hear him sing to me again. On the morning of June 10, my life changed forever. Heading home from visiting my boyfriends best friend.. I dozed off at the wheel as my boyfriend and roommate were asleep and veered off the side of the highway. When I realized what had happened, I pulled him and my roommate from the car.. they looked ok.. the ambulance came and took them to the hospital and I stayed back to deal with the tow truck and the police. My best friend picked me up and I went to the hospital where I expected to see them sitting in the emergency room waiting for me. When I got there, I found out my boyfriend was in the ICU on life support with internal bleeding. I paced and cried as I couldnt believe this was all happening. The doctors said he was critical but he would survive. The next day I get a text from his mother saying.. "its not good you may want to come". I get there for her to tell me that he got a head bleed and would be neurologically devastated so we withdrew life support and he died on June 11. My whole world stopped. I couldnt believe it. I still cant believe it. Going from young and in love with such a bright future together.. to me being left alone to continue this journey with the heartbreak and guilt. I just dont understand. We had so much going for us. We were waiting for him to finish his residency and then we were looking at buying a house.. getting married.. having kids.. getting another dog. Now Im left here, alone.. without him.. I cant do this. I spent 30 hours in bed.. staring at the wall in the dark just crying. I feel awful and a terrible person. I have always tried to live life as best and perfect as I can without making mistakes and always striving for the best. This accident was my first ever and I feel like I am being punished for it to be this drastic. I cant believe the love of my life is gone.. no longer with me. I sit and cry daily.. I hate to think that I workin in a pediatric intensive care unit where I save kids lives for a living.. only to feel like for some reason, I needed to go through this much pain and suffering. I felt like I could take on the world with him by my side. Nobody understands.. I just wish it were me instead of him. I cant do this without him. He was my motivator and my biggest fan. I will never forgive myself and I feel like I ruined the best thing to ever happen to me.
One statement I will challenge you on is this... While your situation is uniquely yours, you will find others on this site that will and do understand. Many, including myself express quite similar thoughts such as "I can't do this without" ... and the gut wrenching thought I hate the most, "I wish it were me instead of him." Many of us have admitted to praying for God to please just take us. We want this excruciating pain to be gone and hope that if we were to die we would again be with our beloved...hearing them sing to us or for me, feeling him snuggle me in the morning while I bitch and moan for him to quit mauling me. :) What I wouldn't give to banter about that one more morning!
You are in my thoughts and prayers and if I can ever be of assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Lisa
When you say you can never forgive yourself, for what? For being so tired that you went off the road? Your friends were asleep and left you alone with the driving. Sounds like you were ALL irresponsible for driving at all at night when you were ALL tired. But you can't change things. You learn for the future which you dread. Do you think you would forgive your friend if he was the one left to drive and he fell asleep, went off the road, and you ended up dying as a result??? Or would you be in the afterlife saying, "I'll never forgive him!"
Love your neighbor as yourself.
I spend long hours in bed also just not wanting to do anything. And I spend hours on my feet feeling aimless as well. Or sitting and dazed. I hope you understand that others feel like you even though it doesn't take away your pain. You at least can commiserate on here and that feels better. I hope you can heal things with your family.. My husband was also my motivator and he was engaged in my daily doings. My committed partner. May God grant you some relief from the grief, and like I said I hope you'll approach/ seek him in your pain. Anita