That is good, I mean that is really good. You're right, none of us want to be professional widows for the rest of our life. When my grief was fresh, and your's too, we needed to cry, to be angry, even scared of what was going to happen to us. The trueth is what happens is up to us and that's so hard to understand in the beginning. I didn't know what to do or how to do it.
It's the lesson we learn coming out of that tunnel I alway refer to. I still remember saying I'm standing in the light, but barely. I almost wanted to turn around and run back in the tunnel of fear and grief because I was so afraid.
Great post, Lori, and welcome to the sunlight. Hugs, Sharon

Lori - what a truthful statement, that we seem to be going through the same thing and seeing it as going backwards. It's not the same, for me. Every time the wave hits, and every time I come out of it, I realize there are different emotions, different feelings. What I hope and pray is to learn from it, and what I hope to see is that I'm healing a little more. I'm a year behind you - I've gotten a comfort zone and I'm taking baby steps to slowly come out of it. I so appreciate your post. It's positive and wonderful, and I wish only the best for you! Thank you for sharing - Hugs, Marsha

Thanks for sharing that with us. You are truly a strong person and is really good to hear you are doing well. What you say makes so much sense, we all need to strive for happiness--it's not going to just come and smack us in the face!

Lorri - firstly, don't apologize or think your not an "expert" here. I feel that what we've been through certainly does make us an "expert" of sorts and those experiences of yours are truly valued by those of us who have been through this experience. I know I for one would much rather share with others who truly understand than to read or listen to some "theory" from someone who has never lived this. Secondly, thanks so much for sharing this. I'm at 2 years 4 months and have been having many of these same thoughts and I am so grateful to you for helping me to put these into some words that make so much sense to me. I am slowly learning to live without my wife as I have to even though it's not something I want. I know I will always miss her but also that I can't simply sit here wasting my life and that's not what she wanted for me. I feel you hit the nail on the head when you say, "it's something that you hate to hear" and that is so true. I'm still struggling with what perhaps is fear and guilt but the reality is there can be happiness alongside the sadness and the memories. The love doesn't die and it's somehow learning to ive with that mix of emotions and feelings and accepting that you can have all those feelings together, both happiness and sadness. I'll keep working on it but thanks again for sharing this.

Lori: Thank you for sharing your story with us. It gives us hope that there is light at the end of this journey. Today is a month that my husband passed away and the pain is so raw but when I read your story I know that someday I will get to that point. It is great to hear from someone that has been there and understands what all we are going through. Once again thank you. Lots of Hugs Linda

I agree with you 100% - and I think Patrick put it well, about learning to live with the mix of emotions - one doesn't rule out the other. I think we do honor those we loved and lost, those people that helped us become who we are, by living as fully and as best we can. Otherwise, what were all those lessons for and all those years and efforts for? Cudos for a great post! Love and Hugs, Martha

Great post Lori! Good to see you back again!!! Hope you had a great vacation. I am approaching 20 months now and I know that I am starting to go through a lot of what you just said. I feel like I have finally crawled out of the dark hole and reached the top, I am trying maybe too hard to keep from falling back in by getting out and trying really hard to make new friends and stay very active to live again on my own (I know Lance would not want me to stay in that pit of depression). My vacation helped me to feel alive again and I want that to continue. I think I am at that point where I have been questioning whether I am just trying to mask the pain now or if I am really to start moving forward. By reading your post it is encouraging to know that others are in similar places. Thank you for the positive and encouraging post. Again Welcome back. Love and Hugs Denise.

Lori: In your post you said that you noticed that a lot of widows and widowers seem to want to "move on" (my words not yours) in about 2 years. I frankly don't see a clear trend as far as how long it takes. I have observed some "moving on" in as few as several months ... to many years ... to never.

This is a topic that intrigues me and I am hoping that someday I (or somebody else) can understand this issue well enough to help other widows and widowers "move on" .... sooner rather than later. I don't know if there is a right time but my instincts tell me that many widows(ers) take much more time than they really need and that they wind up regretting how long it took them.

I see the issue as two separate issues .... the first issue is when should a widow(er) accept that it is alright for them to become happy again ... the second issue is how long should a widow(er) stay deep in mourning before they "do something" to become happy again.

The first issue to me is much easier ... I feel that if we are going to support other widows(ers) then it is appropriate for us to encourage widows(ers) to accept that it is not only OK but it is our responsibility to everyone else in our life to become happy as soon as we can. Understand that I did not say that we should become happy as soon as we can ... I am saying that we should ACCEPT that it is Ok to eventually become happy again. If you read my one journal entry you will see that this is one of the gifts that my wife left me with. When her first husband died she set it as her goal to become happy again and she set that goal within weeks after the death of her husband. When I lost my wife to brain cancer I had already accepted that it was alright for me to become happy again because of what my wife taught me. If someone feels that it is inappropriate to encourage other widows(ers) to quickly accept that it is OK to become happy again I would like to understand why you feel that way. It is clear to me that our spouses would want us to become happy and I can not understand why we should not encourage every widow(er) to set that as a goal as soon as possible.

The second issue ... how long should we stay in deep mourning before we do something to become happy again is much more difficult. Someday maybe I will have a better answer but for now here is my feelings .... while everyone deserves to grieve in their own way and in their own time frame I think that most widows(ers) wait too long before they start doing something to become happy again. I think many of us feel guilty about becoming happy again especially when it comes to the issue of bonding with someone else. If we are going to support each other I feel that we should gently but clearly encourage others to start moving on sooner rather than later. Many of us delay being open to bonding with someone else because of the pressure we sense from family and friends. We worry that relatives will feel we are not honoring or respecting our spouse if we move on too quickly. This bothers me because it does not "feel" right but I accept that this effects a vast majority of all of us. Someday I would hope that the decision as to when to start doing something to become happy will not be influenced by what others think and it will be based solely on our own feelings and emotions.

I certainly feel that after two years there should be no external pressures that would hold you back from becoming happy again ... If we are going to care for and love others in our life then the sooner we can start becoming happy again the sooner we will be able to fulfill our mission.

I hope this helps ... maybe someday I will have a better answer.

Love ... Tom

I am glad to see that this discussion has seemed to help. Sometimes it just knowing that we are here for each other and experience the same feelings, in a way makes them ok. I think for myself it was missing Bruce and feeling like I was not honoring his memory is what held me back from moving on. I am healing, I actually believe I've healed. I know longer have the emotional baggage I carried for him. I think of him often and am not sad. I have many happy memories. I can now think of him without it tearing me apart. I miss him and think of what could have been but I could no longer go on dwelling on my loss. I remember the person I was, I was happy and always laughing and joking. Bruce loved my sense of humor and would not have been happy with the person I had become. Especially if he thought it was because of him. I had to learn to be that person again, without guilt. I may have changed because of my loss but I know there is still a fun person living inside me and like Sharon says what happens is up to us. Hugs to all of you and please allow yourselves to laugh again. Its ok. Its what they want.

Lori,
This is great that you bring this all up. I met an old high school friend that had lost her husband 7 years before and she was still grieving heavily. She apologized and said that she knew that she shouldn't be so upset still and that it just was so hard and her life would never be the same and she missed him with all her heart and soul.

This was about 2 years ago, long before I lost my husband.

She said that everyone was telling her that she needed to just get over it, but they had been telling her that since he died. She tried and had for the past 7 years, but try as she might she couldn't do it.

I told her that no one could tell her what she should feel. It is her life and only she walks in her shoes.

I said that she should feel whatever she felt. Perhaps she never grieved fully because she never allowed herself to grieve without feeling guilty, (then the guilt consumed her instead of the grief work that we all have to do when we lose a person that was so much a part of who we are).

So when I lost my husband 4 months ago I decided myself that whatever I felt at any given moment it was okay and was what I was supposed to feel. I told my friends and family that I was not going to be going through this 5 years from now, so don't be surprised but I was going to surround myself with all of the pictures and videos, and memories, and curl up in those precious memories and cry. I was not going to ever feel guilty about how I was feeling because I knew that it was all okay. I was living through it and I would never let myself feel like it was wrong to grieve.

The reason I write this is because we all need to allow ourselves to grieve fully the horrible loss that we are facing. It is only when we allow ourselves to live our grief fully that we can ever begin to put one foot in front of the other to slowly move forward.

We have to think of every moment, every memory, every feeling and suffer the loss fully. That, I believe is what grief work is.

Sometimes we need to take a break from our grief work too and I hear people doing just that, but I think we should not try to push ourselves along or pretend that we are not suffering a loss.

Some of us will grieve fully very quickly. Some of us will take years and years, but if all of us are true to our own hearts, and are kind to ourselves we will make it through.

People want to help others. I think we need to just be there for each other to listen and allow each other the full range of feelings and emotions.

That's my two cents.
-Still grieving myself....
-Diana

@Diana - I think you bring up an important point - i.e., you have to go through it, not around it, and you have to do it in your own way and in your own time. We get all sorts of mixed messages from the people around us about when and how it's "okay" for us to grieve, when it's "proper" to move forward. I sometimes think that at least half of the ups-and-downs of this godawful rollercoaster ride are because of others around us trying to push us in one direction or another. I've had oodles of well-meaning BAD advice. You do have to be true to your own heart and grieve within the context of your own marriage/partnership. Each of us deep down wants to be happy, wants to be loved, and each of us deep down knows what our spouses/partners would have wanted us to do in the face of this life change. Every relationship is different, and every person's abilities are different, so the time frame is going to vary and what grieving is going to look like is going to vary from individual to individual. But I agree whole-heartedly with you that you have to allow yourself to do it - or you wind up like that friend of yours - stuck and in pain after so many years - it's like losing another life! If someone told you that you only had 7 years to live, what would you do with that time? I hope your friend took your advice and that she finds happiness again. I hope we all do. And I think setting out to be happy is a conscious decision at some point - maybe made for a variety of different reasons and with a variety of definitions as to what happiness is - but at some point I think we do get to that realization, an epiphany if you will. It doesn't mean that you make that decision and then hey-presto you're automatically happy, but it's an important step. Good discussion - glad to read it - makes me feel (slightly) less crazy. :) Love and Hugs, Martha

Diana, I applaud you for your honesty and totally agree with you. It's important to be yourself and accept the feelings of loss, sadness, and loneliness before your able to truly find who you are without your soulmate. For each person that is a struggle and we each have to find our own path. Listening and validation is the best support anyone can offer. Hugs to you, Sharon

Hi Diana, I agree with you too. We all need to grieve in our own time. Thats why I hate to see a time line on dating or anything else that people think that we should be doing during our grief. I think its different for all of us. I also feel though, because of my own experiences that I dont want to feel 7yrs from now the way I felt in the first year of my grief. In my opinion that was not living. That was exsisting. I loved Bruce but there are many people still here that I love just as much and I want to enjoy my time here with them. My first grand baby is due in January and I want to be able to love that baby and give him/her. all the love and happiness I can and if I dont learn how to do that again then how sad would that be. There will always be a piece of my heart missing since Bruces passing but I cant imagine spending another 40 yrs of my life feeling sad and lonely and missing out on the fun and life that is around me everyday. And I think if we all allowed ourselves to do that without feeling guilty we would see that we can live life and grieve and love our lost loves at the same time.

I also surround myself with many memories of Bruce. Pictures are everywhere. I still have his garden in my yard that I visit often. And a quilt made from his t-shirts on my bed. But I no longer cry over them. I can now smile and laugh when these things flood my mind with memories. And to me that is a much better place to be.