I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting your daughters see you mourn. I have an adult son that is mentally challenged and even though I have been able to successfully hide my emotions from him in the past, there is no way I can cover up this grief. So I cry A LOT and I tell him why - because I am sad and I miss our buddy. But we will be okay. So sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss. Wow, this just happened. You are most likely still in shock. Fighting cancer is like fighting the devil himself; I know. Been there, done that. Somehow, you will have to find an outlet, and crying is one way to find some release. They say that tears are cleansing. I guess that is why we have them, other than to lubricate our eyes. Also, it is OKAY for a man to cry, and it takes a real man to do so. It has been almost a year for me now, and I can't say that the grief has lessened, but it seems that a numbness, almost a lifelessness, has set in. I think what I need is to have someone to just put their arms around me and hold me and allow me to cry those bottled up tears. If a man were to do that though (hug), at this point when I am so needy and vulnerable, it may not be wise, if you know what I mean. One night at church, right after I became a widow again, I was crying at the altar - couldn't help it, although I tried - and one of my close girlfriends held me very gently, almost like one would hold a newborn baby, and it worked wonders. But no one has done that since. You are young, with lots of life ahead of you. It won't be easy, but God said He would never leave us nor forsake us. Just wish He wouldn't allow things like this to happen, but it all goes back to the Garden. We live in a fallen world. I hope I have encouraged you in some way.

I am so sorry that you have to walk this path. This is all so new and raw and you are just trying to make it through each hour, each minute without screaming. The weeks after my husband died, I felt like my heart was encased in ice. I was afraid to let any emotion out because I felt like I would shatter into a million pieces and never be able to put myself back together again. I wish I had let my daughters see me cry more often those early days. I felt like I had to be strong for them so they could lean on me. I think that made them afraid to express their grief when I was around as they wanted to be strong for me. I want them to know it is OK to cry and be angry and miss their dad. I am a month into this new path of widowhood and it is horrible, but I am making it through minute by minute and then hour by hour. I pray that you find the strength to make it through the next minutes and hours. Hugs and prayers.

So sorry for your loss!!! My husband passed 2 months ago. He left me w a 17 month old toddler and half the time I feel I'm failing as a parent. I too try not to let her see me cry. Because they absorb everything.

Mourning is different for everyone. Days are different and you will feel different daily. Some days you will want to do more than others. Some day's you will just want to break down. But that's ok too. Allow yourself to feel.

I hope you find strength in your girls. They are your light and will be your guidance. I can tell you this from my own personal experience.

Thank You everyone! I feel better finally being able to talk to people that know exactly what I'm going through.

I wish I had an answer for you, my friend. I wish there was some concrete advice I could give, a silver bullet that would somehow guide you through the coming days, weeks, and months. My situation is very similar to yours. I lost my wife on August 3 to metastatic colon cancer. She left me with three daughters, seventeen, thirteen, and nine.

Now, I've always been the kind of guy who cries at the drop of a hat, but oddly over the past three and a half months, I've found myself void of tears for the most part. I don't know if my subconscious doesn't want my girls to see me cry, or if the tears just simply aren't there. My late wife and I did a lot of crying together in the weeks leading up to her passing. Is it possible I did a lot of my mourning before she was even gone? That sounds so morbid when I say it out loud, but as more time passes, it also seems increasingly plausible. My point is, if there are tears inside to let go of, let them go. Right now, I'd give anything to sit down and have a good cry, either with my girls or by myself. Don't be afraid to let your own daughters see you cry. My father always told me, tears are not a sign of weakness, they're a sign of strength.

In my own experience, I can tell you this does get better. It doesn't get easier by any means, but eventually unbearable days become a little more tolerable, and sleepless nights become more intermittent. Lean on your girls to find your own strength. I think you'll be surprised to find that children can be incredibly resilient in the face of extreme adversity. My girls have been my rock during this whole ordeal and I can't imagine trying to bear this loss without them. Hang in there!

So sorry for your loss. I lost my DH 27 months ago and I was like you in the way I just wanted to lay in bed but I couldn't because of our son (he was 17 months at that time). You have to remember they need you now more than ever so even when it seems like you want to give up you have to keep going!

As for not crying in front of them, I was that way too until my counselor reassured me it's ok to do so. I still cry on certain days/times when I really think about him and baby will grab a tissue for me and ask why I'm crying and I tell him I miss papa and I hug him!

There's no set way to mourn/feel; likewise there's no set time to stop either. We all grieve in our own way/time. Be prepared for as when time moves on all the people who are around at this moment may pull away farther in the background. Not trying to make you feel any worse it's just happens quite a bit, like it did for me unfortunately. When I first started this group I learned the saying, "grief changes your address book" ,hopefully that doesn't happen to you. Big hugs!

With a long-term illness such as cancer, you do start the grieving process even before they are gone. Like when the doctors say they can't do any more, choose your poison. That would put me like at a year and a half into it. Unfortunately, most of us do keep track of days and months and years. Of course none of know the future, so we don't know when we'll feel better or what will make us feel better. Or even if we will feel better.

My husband died on Oct. 20 and Adam, your pain is so real to me. Deepest condolences. The thing that helped me most so far is learning about grief. You still have to go through it - right through the center of it- but the information I have gotten from grief.com has really helped. (I am in no way affiliated with this web site. It's just been super helpful,) It also has a section about kids - here is a link to the first, very short (one minute) video https://grief.com/children-in-grief/ Check out the other stuff. I went to one of their weekend seminars, but the online seminar may be even better for most people. I hope you are able to find some peace and that your family can move through this in a healthy fashion. Much peace to you....

Hi Adam,

First, I would like to extend my condolences to you for the loss of your wife. Although others in your life are grieving in their own way, it is indescribable to lose a spouse. I can only use my experience to try to relate to you, so I hope I type this in a way that doesn't offend you.

My husband had a stroke, he was 47, my best friend, and the love of my life. He refused treatment because he didn't want to be a burden on me, so it was Hospice. I think I was numb from the day he signed a form to end his life. There is so much to this back story, but its not relevant right now. He died in 2006 and I have a self-protection thing built inside since I was a baby (that's another story that is not relevant). I disassociated my emotions from the choice I was forced to accept. I cared for him 24 hours a day for 18 days until he died. I didn't cry. I lost it at the funeral, and then was able to disassociate for a long time.

From my experience, I wish I had allowed myself to feel it when it happened. It has been 11 years and there is this spot in my chest that prevents me from breathing when I think about losing him. I was strong for everyone else, the kids, the dogs, the relatives and my job. I gained 100 pounds since he died, I am on many medications for severe depression and was in therapy for 2 years that didn't help---because I didn't allow myself to feel the eternal loss of my David.

Adam--your children need to grieve with you. They need to know that it is okay to be so sad that you can't get out of bed. I don't know how to write it out from the experiences in my world in relation to my children. We have cried together, but in separate rooms. I wish I had reached out then to find someone to help us feel the loss and move forward together as a family. So that is my advice to you. I wish you peace in this journey and I'm sorry you are here.

Lonetta

Lonetta, you said something that struck a chord. About Hospice. What was your opinion of them? Dennis chose Hospice also. To me that was giving up all hope - for a miracle, for further treatment, for any possible change. They made him "comfortable" till he quit breathing. Once they start spooning down the morphine, you have lost the battle. I thought Hospice would be there 24/7, but no, they only came a few times a week for a brief visit. I was the one who slept on the couch and did most of the care giving. And guess who was there the day he checked out - me and me alone. So whenever they send something in the mail wanting me to do a survey, I just throw it in the trash.

Adam,
My condolences to you and your family. When it come to grieving it is a process and everyone experience it differently. My husband passed On Dec 21, 2007 and I am still in the grieving process. My son was 2 at the time and I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't cried the moment he passed, I just stood in shocked! But I will tell you it's ok to cry, it's ok to scream, and most of all it's ok to find someone to talk to who have been there. It's going on 12 years for me and yes I cry because it's the memories that keep me going....We are all here to help each other, if you want to chat I am here.... Be there for your girls they need you as well..... .

Hi Adam, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I lost my wife on Oct 2. I know the numbness that you feel. Take care of those girls as they are part you and your wife. I am still so lost, I just wish you the best and wish I could take this away for us both.

Prayers going your way!