I am so sorry, you are so early in this grieving process, what you are feeling is normal for us. Go ahead and cry, scream, do what makes you feel better right now. I remember how you feel. I am at 7 months today. Believe me, it does get easier. I don't know how, but it does. Please be kind to yourself. Take a bubble bath, eat right and get rest.
(((hugs))).... Sandee

Chilli, Much has changed in your life and you are dealing with a terrible loss. Underneath this pain and loss there is the kind and wonderful person you have always been. Your anger now is a direct result of the circumstances you are dealing with. It's true, living through this loss will change who you are and how you respond to the world, but the change will be positive. You will find strength you never realized you had.

For now though, it has to be about you and allowing yourself to get through this horrible time. You are sad, lonely, angry, and fearful. That's normal. If you didn't have those feelings it would be a problem. Just know that you have people here to talk to, to encourage you, and to understand how hard it is. Sharon

Chili,
I'm at 2 and a half years now and I can still vividly remember those first few months. The pain was raw, I was so lonely, and scared of the future. What I can tell you is that I still have that pain, but it's not raw now. I can talk about Brian fondly and even smile at some of the things I remember about him.

I don't know, but I survived and I'm becoming stronger. It doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen to you too. I hate to use the term "time will help", but it does. Please be patient with yourself and go ahead and feel those feelings. They are very normal for you.

Nessie from KY

Try to focus on yourself, and find inside of you what can replenish your mind, your soul and your body. Perhaps, it is being in a nature, listening to some soothing music, getting massage can help, or maybe gardening... dig deep into yourself and find there are things that you still find enjoyable regardless of the agonizing pain.
When we are grieving, we drain lots of energy, and while it is absolutely necessary to fully grieve and express your pain; it is also very important to find the new or existing way to recharge.

I am too very negative if I am not releasing the buildup of tension, fears, insecurities, which act just like toxins in me. That's why I am in my garden, or park to get out, breath, see the blue sky... I do lots of things to get out of my sad shell, and soak in positive energy.
I teach Yoga and wellness; helping others to feel better, helps me.
Perhaps reaching out to someone who needs you can help you as well.
No matter what you feel today, don't get discouraged, work through the grief, and your anger just a part of it. Healing will come.
Blessings

Chili - I hear your anguish. I felt the same way. There were days I couldn't stand to be in my own skin, when I wished I could shut the thoughts down even for a little while. When it became overwhelming, I would shut doors and windows and crank up heavy metal, and scream at the top of my lungs (had no next door neighbor, thank G-d). I mean it. I truly think all widows/widowers should be given a punching bag of their own once they exit the funeral home. Hang in, love. You're still the same person inside, trust me. Hugs, Marsha

I am so sorry you have to go through all this pain. I lost my husband coming up on a year. I can remember the moments you are having just like they were yesterday. I can tell you that it does get better. It is never like it was but at some point you will be able to take a breath. God Bless Susan

Of course you're angry, sad, over-whelmed and every other emotion known to man-kind on this roller coaster you never asked to ride! And there are just gonna be days that totally suck. We've all been there; and it does get better. Find a healthy release for your emotions. For me it was journaling....sometimes like a furious mad woman!! Other times I'd walk in circles ....living room-dining room-kitchen-living room....ad naseum...crying buckets, screaming if that's what I felt like doing.....I'm sure my cat Zeus had questions about my behavior, but she wisely kept her own council and let me work through things in my own way and time :) Be patient and kind to yourself, remember to eat at least sometimes, drink plenty of water and rest when you can and breathe.....deeply....frequently...even when you don't want to. It will get better I promise. Wishing you every good and wonderful blessing. Sharon k.

Thank you all for your empathy and words of support. I truly have come to rely on this site as refuge to release my thoughts and emotions and receive wisdom and encouragement. It really does help more than I can say. You all make me feel less nuts.Wishing you all a better day. Hugs.

Take care of the self in whatever way is possible and positive for you. Emotions fluctuate and are normal. My husband was the sort who was always busy, helping people, industrious. Then I see the lazy folks in my area who have the health, but just choose idleness. And I kept thinking "and these people live." The answer I got from within was "they too will have their rewards."

I went thru all that also. It was horrible, lonesome, and scary. I still have a good cry once in a while or tear up. But its better than crying everyday. Its not great yet (its been almost 10 months). But its better. I still find myself pushing people away and being hatefull to them. Im very sad at this because I was bullied as a child over being fat. But I seem to find myself hurting peoples feelings. Working on this now..

Yes. You are perfectly normal in your expression of anger. This experience sucks, but it is one of the biggest lessons that we come to earth to learn. How to deal with death and how to die in our turn. There is life we have to live in between, so we can only do the best we can - make our loved ones proud....until we meet again. xxx

I hope you are feeling some better by now. Just saw your post. The words you wrote could have been written by a lot of us. I was devastated and felt everything you are feeling. There is no way to dodge this period of your life, you just have to grit your teeth and get through it one day at a time. With the support of my friends here, I did just that. They were the greatest force in holding me up when I was so very down. We love and understand each other. We know the critical pain there is following loss. You are not alone at all, and you are very normal. Even though you may not be able to see it now, your life will slowly bloom again but in a different way that you may not imagine. Right now, take good care of yourself. Sleep as much as needed, eat as healthy as you can, come here and vent. Read many books on grieving (I got a ton of them from the public library). I hated myself too, during a long period, but I do not hate myself anymore because I have made changes in my life and added new and more people to my circle. Most of all the friends here! We care! Please hang on!