Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
You said I would cry again, and boy were you all right. Monday is three weeks. Three weeks since I lost my love. I am hurting so badly tonight. I can't stop the tears or the pain from overwhelming me. Why did he have to go? Why now? What on earth am I going to do without him? I can't breathe. I can't think straight. My world is falling apart. My little boy is so lost without his daddy and I don't know what to do without my husband. I don't know how to function. I don't WANT to function. I don't want to do anything. I'm losing my mind. And it's not fair. It's not fair that he had to go. We had so many memories left to make. What do you do when you just can't take it? When it's too much for you to handle? Please my friends, I'm so broken.
Marylou transitioned to Spirit on June 12th of last year...as with everyone else, I felt the pressure from the rest of the world to "get-over-it" and "get-back-to-reality"...whatever the hell that is.
I went back to work 12 days later, June 24th, driving over-the-road...I was totally new at this, and one half of me wanted to believe I was doing what the world wanted me to do, and "get-over-it" and "move-on", and all that other ridiculous bullshit...but the other half of me, the predominant half, the real half, could not live a waking moment without her on my mind, and in my heart and soul.
I really wasn't expecting to get "Spirit Visits"...at that stage of the game, I had no idea what to expect.
Long-story-short, "Sacred Places" is my very true story of how I began to receive the "Spirit Visits" from Marylou, and gave me a whole new way of looking at this nightmare...and I can honestly say that she DID-NOT-DIE! Her spirit lives, and she visits me often from the Spirit Realm.
And if the world wants to call me crazy, well that's OK...I'm an ex-marine, and I am real good at being just as crazy as I want to be...
It's my loss, not theirs...end of story.
Please read anything by Patrick Mathews, to help you better understand how Spirit Communication works.
I have been where you are today- and sometimes, like today, I feel myself sliding back in that direction.
My cure when I am really miserable is to get up and do something. As long as I stay busy- I am okay. The weekends aren't so easy. I am seriously considering a weekend job.
Early, in the first couple of months, I took Xanax to help me relax and not feel so anxious. I can only do that when I can sleep for a couple hours. I am not a big fan of taking unnecessary medication- but when it is necessary- there is no shame.
I am thinking of you!
Robyne
I had a couple comforting dreams. but those can not occur by my willing it to happen.
I was anti-medication in the past. but sometimes Drs can help us survive the worst of things. the goal is not to 'feel' medicated. just to take the edge off so we can cope. or be able to sleep enough so that we do not become sleep deprived- which will take us way downhill.
IF you believe in God prayer. For all, walking exercise, or even just getting outdoors in sunlight, nature, soothing music- maybe without words- (*if lyrics set you off) like classical instrumentals or spiritual instrumentals.
Whatever it takes, as long as not harmful to you. explore some options.
I am sorry you are hurting so very much.
You are not alone in that.
Barbara.
I echo Robyne's comments. Looking back, weeks 3 and 4 were amongst my worst so far. At this point, the initial shock is wearing off and the future looms large. Yup, I felt totally like I was losing my mind. I hate(d) being so out of control of my emotions and thoughts, but that's what grief is. And yes, weekends can be brutal. During the week, things are busy with work and there is a routine and rhythm to the days. In fact, it was a dark and sleepless Saturday night when I turned to the internet for some sort of help and found this and another great community. Honestly, spending my time on these boards has been a huge part of how I got through some of the worst days. Knowing that there were others that had felt and were feeling the same helped me a lot.
It is so important just to breathe. I don't "meditate" per se, but I have done lots of yoga and Pilates and do practice just breathing my way out of a moment. As many have said, we get through this one day, one hour, one breath at a time. Literally. And I also got a prescription for Ativan. I don't take it often, but like Robyne said, no shame - do what you have to do to get through it.
Hang in there. And don't worry about much "functioning". Breathing, catching some sleep, food and water and taking care of your babe are the the only things you need to do for now.
Sending you a hug,
Kate
Written by Catherine Tidd
I feel so lost.
How many times have we felt that way? How many times have we heard that from other grievers? How many times have we just wanted to pull on a t-shirt that says it, so we just dont have to explain anymore why were operating in such a daze?
We all go through these periods of feeling lost. Like were floating out there in the world with nothing to anchor us. We make the best effort we can to find that connectionthe internet, support groups, counselingsomething, anything to make us feel like were still part of the world.
For some of us, these periods last longer than for others. Its discouraging and we feel, when we see others who share a similar experience supposedly getting on with it, that were failing in some way. That were not living up to our grieving potential. That well never get that promotion from new widow to widow once removed.
But I have a different idea.
When we lose someone, our perspective changes. In a big way. The little things become just that little (that is, until a little thing comes along and completely runs us off the road. Thats always fun). Our connection with the world and the people around us does a complete 180. Spiritually (not necessarily religiously), our connection deepens. We seek out those who feel the same awakening because that is who we suddenly feel a connection to.
Its baffling to many of us that who we find comfort in are not those people who have known us all of our lives, but complete strangers. When we see someone in pain, we cant look at it in the same, detached way we could before. Because their pain was once our pain. And we feel it right to the core.
Its frightening, this opening of the spirit. It leaves us vulnerable and insecure. And when we used to feel that wayscared and exposedwho did we turn to?
You guessed it. The person whos not here anymore. Talk about your double-whammy.
Sometimes I think that the people who are having the hardest time are sometimes doing the most soul-searching. We all feel loss very deeply, but I wonder if those people who cant figure out what to do with certain areas of their liveswhether its professionally, romantically, or just what to wear in the morning are actually taking the time to really figure themselves out. Theyre not jumping into anything. Because jumping would imply that you have to land somewhere. And theyre just not ready to do that yet, damn it.
The problem is everyone else around you is saying that you should be ready (mainly because the fact that you are still going through the grieving process makes them feel uncomfortableit has nothing to do with you). They think you need to stop floating and join the real world once again. And its almost harder when you reach out to people who have shared a similar loss who seem to be getting on with it because in the back of your mind you think that youre just not doing this right.
Sometimes I wonder if we are holding on so tightly to who we were, what we had, and what could have beenwe focus all of our energy on that and let that take up so much space in our hearts that we dont have room for the new person whos waiting in the wings. Its not denialor if it is, its the sneakiest form. We know whats happened. We are fully aware of what we have lost. What we dont know is what happens next. And thats when we start floating.
I feel like Im making this sound more magical than it really is. This evolution of spirit doesnt seem like it should come in the form of a ripped bathrobe and a bag of Oreos. When we wake up in the morning and feel like our entire body is made of lead, we dont think, Wow. I feel like crap this morning. I must really be doing some soul-searching.
For me, I jumped into everything right after my husband died. It didnt occur to me that I needed to figure out who I was, who I had evolved into, now that I was on my own. I wanted to get on with my life immediately.
What I failed to recognize was that my life was not the same anymore. That it was impossible to jump right back into my old life because my old life had taken a permanent vacation. The rules that I had followed before didnt apply. This was a new game and in order to play it, I had to change. And change takes time.
And thats really when I began to hurt.
Ill never forget it. I was going about 100 miles an hour for 6 months after my husband died and then suddenly, I started to cry. And cry. And cry. I didnt want to do anything. All of the decisions I had been so desperate to make a few months ago seemed as trivial as they were impossible. When I told my sister that I couldnt figure out what in the hell was wrong with me she replied, Youve been moving too fast. And now youre being forced to sit down and deal with what has happened.
(Enter floating sensation and detachment.)
I guess my point is when youre feeling that lost feeling, try to look at it in a different way: That your damaged spirit is actually trying to take care of you while you figure out who you are.
For some people, this takes longer than others. For some, well float back and forth between who we think we should be and who we are actually evolving into. Because sometimes thats two different people.
And just remember: the reason we feel lost is because were hoping to be found.
I went thru this very same thing several weeks ago. I was going along working thru the uasual hurting feeling sadness one weekend. By the time Sunday afternoon arrived I was completely emersed in depression. I probably should have gone to the hospial but did not want to go along. Linda always went with we me. Sounds silly I wanted her here to go with me but if she were here I wouldn't have to go. I could not go in to work that night and actually had to take off the next one to.
I have been told it was a grief wave. It was awful. And in thinking back it felt like a wave coming in over me. Hard to calm myself and breath. My chest was heavy. i could not put together a rational thought. My thoughts were just racing thru my head and wouldn't slow down. The fear and axiety of what will I ever do without her. After a couple of days it subsided back to the usual sadness and missing her. Just be patient with yourself. It will get better.
Peace, Tim
If I can do anything, please let me know
**I wonder if any of us live close to each other?**
We all have felt like giving up at some point and wonder what's the point of going on without the other half of our reason for existing. But you have other reasons to carry on, mainly your little boy.
Amy and I had no children but I came to realize how hurtful it would be to my family and friends if I went off the deep end. I don't have kids but I have animals that depend on me as well and thought what would happen to them if I give up because they are my kids.
We have all felt robbed but there is hope if you let yourself grieve in you own way and time and for me I think of the good she left me and try not to dwell too much on what I lost. Which was so much.
Peace to you, ~Pete
When I feel like I have to cry.......I do. You don't have to hide your tears, your little one knows your sad and he will learn that crying and feeling sad is a real part of life and we are allowed to share our feelings with each other.
Your feeling of being "broken" is so real. It's exactly what this journey makes us feel like.......we have many pieces that have broken away from our lives and we are left to fit them back together. Our shattered pieces of a life that once was depends on us to keep moving forward and fitting those pieces together one at a time.
Meg, you can do it. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
I send my love your way,
Roz
All of us understand what you are feeling and what you
are going through. We have either been there are we
are still there.
I am beginning my 9th month since my wife passed. I
cannot say I am better than I was in month one or
month two or three. At this point, my only goal is to
learn to cope with it.
I identify with the " grief wave " analysis as that is what it
is to me. It arrives when I least expect it and seems to
completely take over my mind and body. At times, it is
due to a " trigger " as I hear a given song or pass a
restaurant we use to visit or something along those
lines. But, at times, it simply appears from nowhere as
reach for my cell phone to call her and my hand stops
just as I touch my shirt pocket. Reality hits like a ton of
bricks.
I also experience the lost of breath you have described
and a physician told me it is part of an anxiety attack. I
fight to get my breath and try to focus on being calm as
I slowly begin to breath again. It is horrible when it
happens. I feel like the whole world is caving in on me.
I am still learning to deal with all of it one minute at a time
and one hour at a time and that is the only way I can get
through it day by day. I also try to avoid the triggers but
some I cannot avoid. Tomorrow is my wife's birthday. I
have presented flowers to her 29 years in a row and
tomorrow will be no different. I have three large photos of
her sitting on a shelf next to my kitchen table and they are
surrounded by candles. Instead of avoiding it, I am going
to buy flowers tomorrow and place them next to the photos
and light candles for her. I have decided to embrace it or
confront it instead of avoiding it.
I am totally lost without her but the sun keeps coming up
each day and I know I have to get up and get dressed and
go to work or do whatever it is I need to do. I don't like this
world anymore without her but I have no other options but
to wait it out until I see her gain. And I know I shall see her
again. I do not doubt it. That keeps me going ( barely ).
In my thoughts and prayers, Meg.
Darrell