Hi, I'm Nanette, not so new here. I am so sorry you lost your wife so quickly, and at such a young age. Just try and hold on to your good memories of your life together for 18 years if you can. I know, just like the rest of us here, the lost and dazed feeling of shock in the first few months, and of being alone also with such a quick loss. But if I may do so, I have to tell you that my husband suffered for 4 months in the emergency room, then the hospital, then surgery, then nursing home and finally, hospice. A lot of us here have had that prolonged agony of seeing our loved ones sick and dying, totally out of our control. It haunts us, but this will affect you in shock also. Just please take care of yourself, get plenty of rest, drink lots of water. You are just on the beginning of your journey here, and we are all here for you, understanding, caring and compassion for your loss and also your daughter's loss of her Mother. Hopefully, you are close and loving to your close family or some close friends, and it is so important to have emotional support if you can from those around you. And no, it is absolutely not wrong to feel like company, you need it the most now. You will survive, it takes time. There are a lot of us here who have been on that journey for 1 years, 2 years, 3 or more. That is good you started a Cancer Support Group in her name on Facebook. It shows a real tribute and devotion to her memory and legacy. Take care and be sure to stay with us here, talk, express your feelings. This is the right place.
Hugs, Nanette

Thank you so much. There were a lot of events that happened all over the summer, I retired from the military, my wife quit work, then she got sick and passed a month later, then a month after that my daughter started her senior year of high school and I started a my new career the same day. So it has been a whirlwind.

As tragic as her death was, it was an absolute fairytale of an ending...the last 17 hours of her life were magical and I will forever remember those. I smell her from time to time, I think of her all the time and talk to her everyday. My daughter is doing surprisingly well, I think we are both pretty grounded and understood exactly what happened...although sometimes, we just with that we didn't and that we could just be upset without knowing how it all went down.

My wife did not really suffer, she was in pretty serious pain for just a few days after some extensive biopsies and miserable from being in the hospital. I stayed with her every day in the hospital and helped her do everything, I have never been more honored and humbled in my life...I felt like I found what the meaning of true love really was when I got to help her for that month and I would have done that everyday for the rest of my life.

Thank you again and as time goes on, I will share how magical her last hours were, they are truly uplifting and a definite tear jerker. I enjoy talking about how wonderful she was.

I appreciate your kind words and hope to talk more.

- Matt

Hi Matt, It is so uplifting, inspirational and spiritual to hear you say how magical your wife's last hours were and that it was an absolute fairytale of an ending. Honestly, this is the first time I have ever heard someone express their last hours with a loved one, only nightmare stories of suffering and pain in the hospital that haunts for months. You were an honorable, courageous and devoted husband to stay with her every day in the hospital. Really looking forward to hearing about how magical her last hours were. This will truly be a unique, positive experience to hear on this website for a change. And that is such a good positive start of journey you are on Matt. I just can't believe it, and keep on talking about how wonderful your wife was. That will really ease and comfort your pain of loss. Have a great day, take care.
Hugs and fairies with translucent wings floating in the flowers,
Nanette

No. I am feeling the same way. My husband was 38 when he passed. I just turned 40 and my brain is mixed up. It's a tough road. I was a caregiver for so long...I lost myself in it. Stay tough. Kerry

It's not wrong to feel that way at all. I am in the same boat. My pain is real but I miss the interaction, friendship, etc. I think that is all very normal. We had a longer time thinking about his death or at least the possibility of it but when it happened it was unexpected. It wasn't supposed to happen then. We were supposed to have more time and I'd hoped more time to make things right. But that was not meant to be. And I am not sure what to do with that.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss and understand the unbelievable feelings. My husband was diagnosed in April and died in June. I couldn't believe it was real. It's been years since I lost him and we were looking forward to Retirement. Every time I meet someone like you that lost their love one so young I am thankful for the years we shared. But I felt the unfairness for years. None of your feelings are wrong. They will be overwhelming at times. My deepest sympathies for you and your daughter. Cling to each other. Sharon

Matt -

I am truly sorry for your loss and particularly because both of you were so young. My wife passed just over one year ago and we were together for 30 + years. One thing I have discovered over the past year is the fact there is no wrong way or right way to feel with grief over losing my wife. Another thing I have discovered is all of us on the site experience grief in different ways and the timing of the stages are also different for each of us. A part of what gets me through the day and nights is concentrating on all of the good memories of my wife and I together for 30 + years. In an
instant I can still hear her voice and her laughter and see her smile. Keep thinking about your time together with your wife to get through the long hours facing you each day.

You are in my prayers.

Darrell in Texas
.

I think you hit the nail right on the head. I was convinced when I first met my Bride that she was and would be the only person to truly understand and love me as I needed. I know I'll never find another nor will I search for a replacement. Companionship though is many things and it will surely find you when you're ready. There's no light bulb that goes off. Your spouse will support you from above and it will all be okay. Time takes time and whatever means necessary to vent, decompress and heal are okay. Stay strong because what's outside is JUST as important as what's inside you. Carmine

I am so blown away from all of your responses and support. I desperately need this, especially from people who understand where I am coming from. While I do appreciate all of the comforting words from my friends and family, only a few of them have lost their spouses, the rest offer their advice in the best way they know how, but its just not the same...

Thank you all so much.

As you all may know by now, my wife got sick on June 14, 2016....I noticed that she was rather yellow and suspected jaundice, prior to this she had some issues for a week or so with indigestion, and nausea. So I brought her into the ER and they immediately suspected a Gall Bladder issue, so they did an ultrasound and could not find anything in the Gall Bladder that looked remarkable, but they did notice that she had an inflamed or swollen Bile Duct. The initial thought was a stone had gotten lodged in duct and was causing a blockage...but the hospital that we were at did not have and Operating Room, so she was transferred by ambulance to another hospital for further testing and an eventual surgery. Well, they did a MRI and CT scan but could not find a stone....so the was transferred again the next day to another hospital where they did an endoscopy and saw a "Stricture" in the Common Bile Duct...this is where the doc sat me down and told me that the road ahead as probably gonna be a long, hard one but we were lucky to have time on our side, as she was only 36 and strong. They suspected a cancer was the cause and transferred us to another hospital the next day, we were now at OU Medical Center in OKC, her Bilirubin count was a 12 when she was first admitted and with fluids a lone she was holding strong at 4, so they were not terribly concerned about her because her body was working really well. The plan was to place a stent in the Common Bile Duct to allow the bile to enter the intestine and clear her blockage. Finally, 5 days after we wee transferred to OU they performed the procedure and there were no complications but they did notice something on her pancreas during the procedure, so they performed another CT scan after the surgery. This is were they noticed some abnormalities on her bones and ordered a PET CT scan...this is where things got bad. They noticed a lump on her right breast and what appeared to be numerous pots of metastatic cancer all throughout her body, to include her Pancreas, Cervix, Uterus, Bladder, Adrenal Gland as well as several on her Hip Bones, Ribs, Pelvis, Spine, Neck, Skull and Shoulders. So we were initially told Stage 4 Breast Cancer and she got a mammogram and biopsy to confirm, however the biopsy took far longer than usual to examine, it was supposed to take 2 days but it took multiple pathologists 5 full days to tell us on July 1st, 2016 that she did NOT have breast cancer. As a matter of fact, they did not find any cancer thus far. So you can imagine the roller coaster that we had just been on, while we were euphoric, it only lasted 2 days because on July 4th 2016, she was back in the hospital with more jaundice and now a very distended stomach. The next morning, after the holiday weekend, all the doctors that were working her case received the notification the she did not have breast cancer and this threw everyone for a loop, because she this was supposed to be the smoking gun. So now, there was a very serious sense of urgency because they were truly lost...July 5th she had another stent placed in her Bile Duct and the old one was clogged and could not be removed, she also had her Pancreas, Bile Duct and Stomach Biopsied. On July 6th, she was examined by the GYNOC doctor and then immediately after had 3.6 liters of fluid drained from her abdomen, this was also tested for cancer. On July 7th she had another GYNOC examination under anesthesia to have her Cervix, Bladder and Uterus biopsied. On July 8th, she underwent 3 surgical biopsies, 2 in her pelvic bone around her lower spine and 90 minutes later she had her liver biopsied. By July 9th 3 of the 10 biopsies had come back negative, so they were actually thinking that she had an autoimmune disease because they could not find a cancer. Again, you can imagine the roller coaster of emotions and the sense that all was gonna be okay because the test were coming back negative. Then it happened, late July 10th they informed us that 3 more of her biopsies (cervix, bladder and uterus) were also negative for cancer...then as the GYNOC doc left the walked out of the room she bumped into the Oncologists who then told us that they had found a cancer in her stomach and that same cancer in her bones. Unfortunately, they could not identify the type of cancer because the cells were so poorly differentiated that the primary organ was completely unidentifiable and we were still waiting the results of the liver biopsy, which was the most important, because her liver was causing all of her sickness. By now, the cancer was like a race car in her body and her liver was shutting down, by the time we got her liver biopsy back (which was also inconclusive) but presumably the same unidentifiable cancer....her Bilirubin was now at 24 and her platelets were at 40,000 parts per million, (150,000 PPM is normal) and the American Cancer Society states 80,000 PPM is the requirement to accept chemo. So they told us we could attempt a 25% dose of chemo, which would do little to any cancer, especially a very aggressive cancer or we could just make her comfortable. So we decided to take her home...

On July 12th, I helped my wife get across the hospital room to use the restroom and when she stood up she collapsed, luckily in my arms, I thought I lost her as she was not responding to me but eventually she came to and we thought the dose of morphine that she just took was the problem and made her a little loopy, because her blood pressure was perfect 120/80 when she was laying down. The next day began all the prep to bring her home, she desperately wanted to be in the nice A/C and nice bed in our house. I had to do all the things that a spouse never wants to do...like have my wife sign a "Do Not Resuscitate" letter and schedule Hospice. The plan was for me to drive her home in our car because that is what she wanted...but that al changed. She needed to use restroom again on the 13th before we left the hospital and again, she collapsed and her blood pressure plummeted this time, by now it was determined that her body was shutting down. Once we got her conscious again, we moved her into a chair in the hospital and got her hooked up to fluids, the doctors could not let her go home until her bp stabilized. This is the first time she showed any signs of weakness, as she sat in the chair, she grabbed me a pulled me towards her and whispered "I'm tired", I knew what she meant, then she said go get my daughter, so she came in the room and my wife told her the same thing. She also told the rest of the 6 family members in the room that she was not going to make it home...we told her that was okay, she had fought so hard. I guess my wife actually had other plans, as her blood pressure rose, we were able to get her home via ambulance. By this time, word had gotten out that Colleen was coming home for her final hours and any friends and family that wanted to say their last good byes should do so...who knew there was going to nearly 100 people at my house. As close to death as my wife was when she left the hospital, she mustered up the strength to talk to each person and give them a personal message of some sort, she told a childhood friend that she was going to see his mom who passed away several years ago and if there was anything he wanted my wife to tell her when she saw her in Heaven. It was completely surreal and amazing. She sill had her wits about her even in her final hours, as the Priest came into the room to offer Last Rights my wife was slipping in and out of responsiveness, or so we thought, when the priest was finished my wife did not open her eyes...I said Einee (her nickname) loud enough to wake her and she looked around the room and said "I had a dream and you were there, and you were there and you were there too", see, her favorite movie was "The Wizard of Oz". We all enjoyed a good chuckle at that. As the night bore on, I noticed that she was getting more and more "tired", so I shewed everyone out of the room except for me and my daughter. We talked with her as much as she could and we got her last words "I love you" then she slipped into an unresponsive state. The room was full of family all throughout the night, my wife, my daughter and I all laid in the bed with my wife's twin sister holding her hand until morning. I woke up and needed to get a shower and when I came out noticed that my wife had shifted off her pillow and laid unevenly on the bed, her sister and everyone else said they tried to move her but they just couldn't. ******From this point on....This is a true pure magical fairytale******
Because my wife had become so weak we developed a system in the hospital to help raise her in bed, where I would I lean over her, put my arms around her, kiss her collar bone and tell her that I loved her and that I would do this everyday for the rest of my life. She would respond with I love you too and then I would say 1..2..3 lift. Well on July 14th, I leaned over my wife and I told her "you know how we do this babe", then I wrapped my arms around her, kissed her collar bone and told her "I love you" (I knew there would not be a response, but I wanted to her to know that I loved her). Then something pretty awesome happened, after 10 hours of unresponsiveness, she tried to put her hands together around me but she couldn't quite do it, so her sister helped and them my wife locked her fingers with her hand around my neck and she let me move her and lay her back on her pillow. Then as I went to pull away, the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me happened at that point...my wife pulled me back toward her and pucker her lips for a kiss, so I kissed her and as I pulled away again, she pulled me back yet again and puckered her lips with a smile and Kissed her 2 more times. See, we always kissed in 3's ever since we met 19 years ago. After that 3rd kiss, my wife's hands fell to her sides and she slipped into a deep sleep. She waited for her younger brother, who is in the Army; to make it in from New York and then she took her last breath about 2 hours after our last kiss.

Im so sorry your sweet wife passed from this physical earth. She is still there with you in spirit, just listen to those subtle clues. My husband passed away a little over a year and a half ago. He was 52 and I was 44. I'm now going to be 46 next saturday, and my sean wouldve been 54 this past may. I miss him so tremendously. You can always join a dating website, but put your only looking for friends. There is nothing wrong with just wanting a friend. I too am in that same boat, don't want a relationship, but would love to just have someone to talk to, that is also a widow/widower. It takes some time to go through all the emotions you will be experiencing. Here in my town, most widow/widowers are in their late 50's or early 60's so I know the pain in meeting friends who have also experienced a loss of spouse. God bless, and keep you. Much love and hugs carla

I live in stillwater, not too far from okc... blessings your way

Matt, You're the man and a hero to your wife and us. Make it a great day big guy and continue to make the world a better place. I try each day to separate controllables from uncontrollables and if I can avoid letting the uncontrollables get me down then I have a good day. Hope that helps for at least a brief period.

Hi Matt....So sorry for your loss.
I'm new to losing the love of my life so I don't have much advise to offer.
I can say that it helps to read the stories and share your own with others that understand and relate.
There is comfort in knowing others understand and care without judgment and it helps to be able to encourage and be there for them as well.
I do believe there is no right or wrong answer to your question and that you need to do for yourself what will help bring you comfort and peace in your loss.
Stay safe....Jackie

It feels so god to have so many people offer so much encouragement. I walked into a store today and instinctively walked over to the area where I always bought her perfume...I had to stop and remind myself that she was gone. I was having a good day up until then...I think I want someone to take care of and someone to take care of me too. I have my daughter to worry about and we talk as much as we can stand it. But I miss taking care of my wife and the things that she did for me. I need to be careful that I don't rush into something and end up hurting both of us.