Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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envgraph 01/19/2014

It has been one month and four days since I lost my husband/best friend of 30 years to horrid cancer. I thought I was doing a little better. But yesterday I HAD to go to the store and get some food in the house. And a song played which had always made me cry (on any good day) and that I hadn't heard in years. So there I was in the produce section and just burst out in tears and couldn't stop them no matter how hard I tried. I fled to the bathroom and stayed in there a few minutes until I could at least stop they hysteria. I reclaimed my cart, and I wasn't done shopping yet, but went to the checkout because I had to get out of there. I was all red-eyed and red-nosed and sniffling and just allowed the casheir to think that yes, I had that flu that is going around. She hoped I would feel better soon. Then - I recognized the voices of two friends, another married couple who are friends of ours and who love each other so much, and were there with their new grandchild. I literally hid my face to avoid seeing them because I just couldn't handle it. I got out of there as fast as I could and was in full-blown hysteria long before I even reached my car. So much for going out.

What I am reading here is that it is going to take a LONG time to start to feel even a new normal, and most importantly, that other people know how I feel. Bless you all and thank you - I will come here often. I wish us all grace and dignity as we go through this horrible and unwanted struggle just to survive. When we are not even sure we want to.

cliffskat 01/19/2014

I am sorry for your loss, and want to welcome you to the group. I had a similar experience at the supermarket in the early days after Cliff died. I was standing in the produce aisle, trying to pick out avocados to make some guacamole, and I remember how Cliff would go on about how wonderfuyl avocados were and how to pick a good one - he always took care of that. So I was standing there with an avocado in each hand and burst into tears. I got some real strange looks. I had to make a hasty exit - I didn't get any shopping done that day.....

That was over 6 years ago. I am fine now. Don't get discouraged - you will get through this, honest. It will feel impossible for a while, and you won't be able to imagine that happy times are still ahead of you -- but they are! Happiness is as inevitable as sorrow, and the pain will not always knock you off your feet.

I am glad you found us. I hope you find the same help and comfort here I did. I am one of the old-timers, and am one of the Community Leaders ("CL") for this group. Marjoe (Marsha) and Shrn (Sharon) are the other two for out group. We stayed on to help those new here. Welcome.

Love and Hugs,
Martha, co-Community Leader

LostAndFeelingAlone 01/19/2014

When my husband pasted on it took almost 6 months until I could watch a show on TV that we watched together. TV, hearing about his favorite team winning on the radio, a song about eternal love, would all trigger the pain that I lost him. I would become red-eyed, my face would swell, and I cry internally. It seemed like no one knew about my pain.

I envy you that you can cry physical tears. I cry inside, but no physical tears flow (due to my up bringing). They say crying cleanses the soul. Crying is good.

Over a year, in baby steps, I was able to watch some shows, listen about his team winning. I learned to be grateful for the time we had together.

I wish I would of found this site a year ago. It does help.

deleted_user 01/19/2014

I'm at one month and 8 days, and I can't handle a lot of things. Time is supposed to help but it's painful for that time to pass. Martha, you said happiness is as inevitable as sorrow? Not sure I get that but would like to know it's true.

envgraph, I'm very sorry for your loss. Cancer is a horrid disease and very aggressive. Unbelievable.

We are in this place now without our men, so it helps to help each other. Glad to meet you.

castlenana 01/19/2014

I am just short of a month, and I agree it seems like time will more slowly forever now. I am receiving more tributes on the website the funeral home has for Bob, and it is so helpful. People are also calling, so I am enjoying the contact with family and friends. I didn't have a funeral per my husband's request so I missed this part of the grief process. I had announcements printed, but due to an error I had to have them reprinted. It was tough to get them ready for mailing, but now I am getting that support that was missing. I hope you have that as well, and welcome to the site. It is a good site for all of us who are in the same boat.

deleted_user 01/19/2014

I am do sorry for the loss of your husband. There are so many things that can trigger sadness and tears. My precious wife Anne passed away from cancer less than 3 months ago. I have such a hard time with songs too. She always did our grocery shopping so the grocery store just hurts period. I can relate to the friends with their grandchild as well.

I have decided that this will take a long time and there is no getting away from these events and feelings. Anne and I used our faith to make it through her cancer fight and I will continue on myself the same way.

I will pray for you as I do for others in this support group. I come here often too and it helps tremendously. With each other's help we will find that new normal and one day even happiness.

Robbie

kelleysgirl 01/19/2014

Hugs! A lot of us can relate to your experience; and have been there too. I had it happen while I was walking down the aisle of the grocery store...out of the blue....my heart just broke all over again. I was able to somewhat regain composure after a bit and finish my shopping. Another time driving down the highway, listening to the radio and the first song hubby & I ever danced to came on....had to pull over on the side of the road & just melt down for a while before regaining my sensibilities and going on. It just happens sometimes; for most of us, it's a normal part of our process. I agree with Cliffskat, it does get better and you will be able to resume normal activities. In the meantime, perhaps you could have someone do your shopping for you for a little while until you feel stronger and braver; and you will. For now, be tender and patient with yourself. You've been through a lot and tho this path isn't easy in the beginning, it does get better. We'll walk with you. Come here as often as you need to. We're here for you. Blessings. sharon

hellerat13 01/19/2014

So sorry for your loss dear friend,
you have come to a place where the people here are comforting, caring, non-judge mental, they have helped me through some of my darkest moments and I can't thank them enough. I know you are early in your grief and you will get love here and advice and just understanding, that is what I have received since joining. I hope you get the same, It is good to have others who have been and are going down this journey so that we can help each other through.
Peace and love to you
Laurie

woodfencing 01/19/2014

What is it about supermarkets? The first Thanksgiving after Tim died I did nothing. But I decided I absolutely had to do Thanksgiving dinner the following year. I was in Stater Bros, really struggling. I needed raw oysters and couldn't find them. When I asked the butcher where they were he was rude. Just waved his hand in some general direction & muttered something. I began to weep loudly. I also began to bang my head against the store wall sobbing "People are so mean!" over and over again between sobs. Fortunately I was with a friend (who incidentally later became my "new" husband). He just patted me on the back very gently (nothing embarrasses him) & got me the heck out of there before the men in the white coats arrived. I just left my basket and the groceries I had gathered so far. It will be 6 years since Tim died next month. I also promise it will get better. Other than the incidents most of us have, we are strong people. I am so sorry for your loss. Take care.
Dianne

Squeege 01/19/2014

it's definitely not a straight line to recovery, it's wave after wave. Thinking of you envgraph. xoxoxoxox

warmhues 01/19/2014

It is true, there is something about grocery stores. I think its because eating together is something we did all the time with our spouse. Eating alone is a heavy hearted reminder that our loved one is gone. My first real breakdown was over a jar of four bean salad at Costco.

But I also know that we are sometimes so strong for the hard stuff, we ssurprise ourselves. Maybe we steel ourselves and so we get through it. But, the unexpected things that we haven't prepared ourselves for, like groceries, triggers us.
I know it scared you, and it probably felt like you were going crazy, but you weren't/aren't. You are grieving. Believe it or not, those are 2 different things. That is why all of us can assure you,it will get better! We have all been there. Just keep coming back here.
Peace,
Jan

dl1959 01/19/2014

I am so sorry for your loss. Its been almost 1 year since I lost my Roby to rectal cancer. Hang in there and come here often. Everyone here is wonderful and so helpful.

Hugs
Diane

matthew90 01/19/2014

My deepest sympathy to you. You are so early in your grief that it just overwhelms you at times. The anxiety sometimes almost makes you feel near panic. This is normal, and will get better. Most of us are more or less in shock for several months.There will be times when you feel like you are recovering, then you will hit another low, sometimes the same day. There will be many other triggers. Some predictable, some a complete surprise. I remember about a month after my wife passed, I moved her chair to vacuum. I saw one small kernel of popcorn on the floor.In a micro-second, every time I ever saw her, in her pjs, curled up on her chair reading with her popcorn bag at her side, hit me like a sledgehammer. This is just one small example of what every person in this group has suffered through, and will somehow ,through the help of each other, survive. I can tell you that in my case, at a little over 6 months, It is slowly improving. Sense of humor returning, interest in activities increasing. You will get there too. Just remember, God loves you, and so does your husband, that assurance will sustain you, even when you feel that life is all wrong. Don't hesitate to let the tears flow, it will definitely help purge that anxiety, and you will feel better a short time later. Love to you and your family. Robert

shellofaman 01/19/2014

Hi envgraph,
I lost my wife of 39 years to cancer, 6 months today (this has been a bad day). I wish I could say it will get better, but for me it has been getting harder as time goes by. It seems maybe I am handling it a little better, but I can't imagine a time when the pain will be gone. In your post you said " as we go through this horrible and unwanted struggle just to survive. When we are not even sure we want to"... the last line summed it up for me, am I even sure I want to? I don't know. Anyway, I am sorry for your loss and I hope and pray that your recovery will be sooner rather than later. The people on this website have been a tremendous help for me and maybe it will be helpful for you too.
God Bless You
Ivan

castlenana 01/20/2014

I've been sticking to frozen dinners, trying to stay away from things we ate together. I don't cook for one and don't eat at the table. It is too empty. I didn't realize till rereading your post how much I've avoided those things.

envgraph 01/20/2014

Oh my goodness- I am so grateful for your responses. You are all so kind and wonderful people to take the time to help me. Through my tears I have read (and reread) each response and I can't tell you how much it helps to feel understood and comforted... There is no preparing for this pain. Even though my poor Dave was so sick for so long and I knew this was going to happen, I am so incredibly unprepared. It gives me hope to know that it will slowly start to get better - although I can't see how right now. I don't have many friends, and no family close by. Thank you so much for responding to me, all your advice is really needed and appreciated.

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