Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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broken2016 07/30/2016

Turning 67 next week and never came across anything I could not handle. Wife went into a coma and long story short, died three weeks later. First married in 1968 and she was my best friend raising two fine son's. I can't cope with the loneliness. Youngest son we had late in life so he is coming up on 22 and still lives with me, so I'm not alone.. All my plans were designed for me passing first. This never entered my mind. As a person, I have to have a direction, a path to follow, a reason. What friends I had, have already passed with the exception of a lady we have known since "73". She is the one thats gotten me this far. I am hoping I have found a site that may be able to help me.I am not religious, so I do not have that to fall back on. I wish I did, but no.I don't know how many more times I can walk out that door and come back to this house. It is a constant struggle to keep from just keep on driving and see where I wind up. If I just knew the direction, I would be gone. Not OCD, but I must always have a plan.

katie2016 08/02/2016

Broken - I think those sorts of decisions and discussions take on a whole different dimension when we are actually faced with situation. We do the best we can in those moments trying to balance the needs of all involved. It is never as simple as it seems when discussed as a hypothetical.

Your son will still need you and you will have purpose even if he moves away. My parents are 500 miles away and I need them maybe now more than ever.

Peace and love. Kate.

Nicker07 08/02/2016

Lonesome is to me the worst. Especially at this age (I am there too) you expect to grow old with your spouse. I mean old! My husband died unexpectedly heart attack. Its been 6 years I have learned to work through it. I live in rural area so not much getting out & when I do sitting alone makes it worse . I am learning to take opportunity to go where functions are with family, close friends where I can converse. And my dogs (2), cats and horse are my life now. THey do not tell me what to do. Take care. I am sorry you have to join a place you where you did not want to be but I found here they truly understand

broken2016 08/04/2016

Rough day. Focusing on my son has helped, but this also means I will be completely alone then. The support group meeting is finally tomorrow. I really hope I can find help there. Shutting myself off here alone is not the answer.

snowalone 08/04/2016

hi broken, hang in there, one day - one hour - one minute at a time. I hope the support group offers some solace to you - the one I joined was a life saver for me - let us know how that goes, please, first thing back!

ck56 08/04/2016

Dear Broken2016, Your story is heart wrenching. Not just to me, but to many others on this site, for many of us have lost our loves to aneurysm. I too made the tough decision to take off life support, as my sons all watched, we said good bye. For us, it was a bit simpler in that my husband had made it known for years, he would NEVER want to be kept alive by machines. Your pain is very real, and you are lucky to have a good friend who can relate to all that you are going through. 67 is very young.........I can say that now that I am teetering on the edge of 60 ! You have much to live for and who knows, you may have grandchildren coming into your life soon. How happy would your wife be to have you share that with your wonderful sons!! Just saying......hang in there, no one knows better than we do what a tough time you are going through....but it can only get a tiny bit better each day. It will...........if you let it. Praying for strength for you. hugs, Cindy

broken2016 08/05/2016

Thank you Cindy and the rest of you. Dreams/nightmares have disappeared. Nightmare part was waking up and realizing it was only a dream and that she is gone. My friend suggested that I look at my wife's picture before bed and ask her to please let me go. Some how, that is working.

cgriff4ever 08/05/2016

Dear Broken,

I am so sorry your wife passed away. I know all to well how it feels to lose a bestfriend/soulmate. There is no guarantee in life, unfortunately. Time doesn't always heal but you just learn to be more accepting. Its been a little over one year for me, and I can say, I miss my husband everyday. It has gotten better to push forward, but I still have bad days. I do know my husband would want me to remember him, but not sit and dwell, and die inside. He would want me living the rest off my life, with joy, happiness, and no regrets. Much love and big hugs carla

broken2016 08/11/2016

Been another week and somewhat improved. Came up with excuses for not attending the support meeting. Did however have a talk with mu oldest son and he convinced me that he understood and I should forgive myself. That I had honored her wishes, but gave the children time to let go. Rest of the legal matters are now done, and one less thing on my mind. Going out of town to visit another son for the weekend. First night I have been able to escape this house for more than a few hours. If I can keep this frame of mind, I may beat this. If all goes well, I'll wait till spring before selling and moving. I just can not stay here.

broken2016 08/16/2016

Visit to my son was a bust. He has moved into an upper middle class lifestyle I'm unaccustomed too. His friends were all nice. Although a gay lifestyle, I'm treated better than most of their parents dealing with the situation. After 15 years together, getting married next week. Can't really fit in anywhere and the nightmares are back. I can't cope with them, driving me back into isolation, depressed and losing even more weight. I make progress, then something drags me back down. Can't offer any advise to others, barely surviving myself.

JesusisOurSaviour 08/16/2016

Dear broken,
I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. Please don't expect too much of yourself right now. The main thing is to take care of you. It seems like you are trying to have an instant fix to your grief.
Please take this journey you're on moment by moment.
If you try and go ahead of yourself and your emotions,
It gets overwhelming, we've all tried to move forward to fast. Trust me, it doesn't help.
If you can make it a priority, to eat, drink lots of fluids, rest, and Breathe deeply, it's a 'must' .. How can you be there for your young son, if you get sick?
Please Broken, be kind to yourself, right now, go to a grief group, it will be a huge start for you, to get a handle on what to expect on this grief journey.
We are here for you, every emotion you feel, right now is normal. I just urge you to breathe and slow down.
Sending you hugs.....Sandra

. get the sense that you are trying to move through your grief too fast.

broken2016 08/17/2016

Sandra: I will try....but I've spent my whole life dealing with things head on. I'll try to find a grief group closer than an hours drive away.

2BigHeart 08/17/2016

Dear broken, I am so sorry for your loss. Please don't be so hard on yourself regarding your decision to keep your wife alive a bit longer for your son's sake. There are always miracles even though the doctors were honest with you. You were sensitive to the needs of your son who couldn't bear to say good bye to his mother. You have a strong relationship with your son and you would have felt worse afterward if you did not allow him this extra time to be with his mom. Your dear wife would have understood. I am writing this to you as an ICU R.N., a mother, and a recent widow myself as of 7/15/2016. We need to just get through one day at a time right now.

broken2016 08/23/2016

Somehow my reply didn't post. Local group counselor had me leave a message and didn't even call me back! Thanks 2BigHeart for taking time to help me during your own hardship.

lifegoeson 08/26/2016

Sorry about your loss. I just joined this group today and posted my thoughts on life after the loss of a spouse which I hope helps others in this situation. Loneliness, emptiness are the two words I hear most when I speak to widows and widowers. Try to fill your days with anything that will keep you occupied. Volunteer if you can. Sometimes when we think our pain is unbearable, we find someone whose pain is worse than ours. May bundles of joy make their way to you.

broken2016 08/26/2016

I'm doing much better. Things are starting to come together. Son has been accepted to his trade school and starts in Jan. He is finally ready to live his own life and my last worry is gone. I will put the house on the market ridding me of the pain I feel living here. Haven't decided where I will go, but time for me to think about my own well being. My medications weren't agreeing with me and now that is straight. Time to live my own life and quit dwelling in the past. Thanks and best of luck to all of you and hope I do not have to come back here. First time in six months, my head is on straight.

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