Broken, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. Ok...I'm type A, too, and I get what you're saying, I really do. But I'll say this, at 8 years out, one of the hardest things I had to learn was that sometimes plans go awry. That sometimes there isn't a plan in place anymore. That was a hard freaking lesson to learn. And even harder was slowing down and taking each day as it came, because sometimes I would think, how can I even get through this day? Ugh. There's no easy fix, if there were, I'd be snapping my fingers like a crazy woman. Yeah, I guess I was a lot of help here (insert sarcasm), but I'm just telling it like it is - Hugs to you, Marsha

Dear Broken2016

I understand exactly where you are at this point. I was " supposed to go " before my wife as I was 16 years older than her. I never imagined she would go first. She passed 11 months ago and, in some ways, it seems like only 11 weeks ago or 11 days ago.

I have learned there are no magic words that will ease the pain or the loneliness of not having her
with me. Only those that have been through this and are going through this can understand the emptiness that is impossible to describe to others. Time becomes meaningless and it is difficult to focus on challenges. The only thing I can tell you at this point is to worry only about the next minute in front of you and, eventually, the next hour in front of you. The goal every day is to make it through the day and reach that point where you close your eyes at night and the pain temporarily stops.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings to you and your family.

Darrell

Thank you both. At least here someone understands, People try, but it's like listening to Blues. If you haven't lived it, you can't understand it. I hate to keep bothering my one last friend, as we buried her husband and I'm afraid I'm dragging up bad memories for her. I push through every day trying to get my youngest out on his own and not worry about him. There is an open support group meeting this Friday close by so I will see if that's any help. At this point I'll try anything.

Broken, I am sorry for the loss of your wife. I have not lost many people in my world, thankfully, but I can't imagine any other having such an invasive reach into every aspect of our lives. I might not be so quick to assume your widowed friend doesn't want to help you along. Truth is, my husband is never off my mind, and so there is nothing anyone can do or say that brings up memories that aren't already there. I would gladly welcome a close friend that really understands what this journey can be like. You may help her as much as she helps you. Maybe you could just ask her, let her know you would appreciate her company but don't want to upset her and see what she says.
Hope the support group is helpful, and know that all of us here get it and are here to listen. Take care. Kate

I am so sorry for your loss, and here we all get it, we do understand. There is no quick fix, it is a long tough journey, and there were days I struggled moment to moment, but it did get easier for me over time. I am glad that you are going to a support group, and hope that you find some comfort there. Remember we are here. Hugs and blessings. Katrina

Yes, go to the support group, maybe try a few. We here do understand you as those who haven't lost their longtime soulmate wouldn't understand. I know it even takes some extra effort to post your feelings here....not easy. I'm 2 years out and it is still like yesterday that I lost my husband. I go to anywhere just to see real live people, it gets so lonely at home. Kwik Trip, grocery store etc. It is time to retire but too lonesome to do so. I look at couples and feel bad that I have no one. But, every one of them will lose their spouse someday, their time will come. Mortality rate is 100 percent. We need to love the sunshine and the good (there is some) in each day. Others who haven't walked our path don't realize the pain. We have to live thru it now and we can, we are stronger than we think. Painful but we share it with you and hugs to you! If one support group doesn't help, try another even a Christian one even tho you don't believe in the base of it, they'll still help you in a healthy way. It has helped me a lot. they were my best source. I wish you a ray of sunshine. We all care, we truly do.

Better picture of my friend. The four of us raised our families together. There is nothing that woman wouldn't do for me. I love her like a sister, in fact, a lot more than my real sister. Retirement: One thing making it harder. I retired early in 2001 so we had been basically joined at the hip till now. Last night was rough. Son was gone and will be gone all next weekend again. While he talks very little, just having him here is a help.

So sorry for for the loss of your wife. Totally understand your feelings of the loneliness. We are about the same age so my children/grandchildren are grown and live out of state. I knew when my husband died it would be hard for me emotionally so I joined a support group, volunteer at three different nonprofits. I visit a lady in assisted living who is on hospice, I joined a meet up group. All well and good and it helps to meet new people, etc. Still feel great loss after 28 months and realize I always will - This is a wonderful forum to share and get support. Much peace to you...

You have found the right place. I am sorry you need to be here to join us. Go to the support group, look into one on one grief counseling if that is something that interests you, it has helped me greatly. Somedays its one foot in front of the other and if thats all you can manage, that is ok. There is no right or wrong way, we all grieve differently, our time lines will be different, but the pain that is the same, we all understand. Big hugs.

You all have made me feel comfortable enough to tell the rest of story. Guilt for a broken promise is huge factor. My wife and I discussed what to do in case we could not let our wishes known, but never put it in writing. She suffered a brain aneurysm and went into a coma immediately. Coded twice on the way to hospital and on life support. The doctor informed us before surgery of the outcome, life in nursing home or die in surgery. Every fiber in my body said honor her wishes and let her go. One look at my oldest son and I knew that this was an issue. I told them it was a joint decision. It took three weeks for them accept and honor her request. The guilt of that three weeks in intensive care, and indignity that she did not want will haunt me the remainder of my life. One simple promise and I didn't honor it. I still have a hard time talking with my oldest son about anything. I don't blame him, I understand, but I have made sure this situation will never arise when my time comes. My family has no control, no decisions to make.

More than anything she wanted, I'm sure she wants you to forgive yourself and take that burden from you, for you to have peace. After all, I bet she wants you to be happy, to smile and enjoy life again (someday). We wish them peace, and I think they wish us more. Be gentle on yourself.

Oh, George, we do understand. Your feelings are no different than the the ones I have struggled with. It's 9 years for me and I often wonder why and what if he was still here. The loss never goes away. Our only choice is to accept the reality and learn to live again - even when we don't want to. Hugs, Sharon

Thanks for sharing the latest. I also am almost your age and was about to retire and join my husband who did retire, so I'm guilty about that...not doing it soon enough. Lonesome: yes, I hate leaving places and heading for home, though my home is a wonderful place. This will get a bit better--mine is alittle better after 2 years. Now the last thing you shared: I also am guilty for unplugging my husband's water source enabling him to die about a week sooner, but he was suffering so much. My adult son helped me decide and my husband looked me in the eye and said 'what do you think'?--and went along with my decision. I'll never ever get over that deep sad decision. There was no hope but still, it haunts us. Your wife wouldn't fault you for loving her so much to keep her a bit longer. You honored her wishes later. I'm certain she wouldn't have hurt you so much as to make you feel guilty about this either. She loved you more than that. I can tell you are very thoughtful. Forgive yourself. You don't believe in God, but he forgives that as well, I am certain.

I feel the same way. If I could just leave here and never return maybe it wouldn't hurt so badly. I know exactly what he would have done if it had been me. He would have taken the contracting job overseas and never come back here because he would have been too heartbroken to be here in the place we shared together. Even if it's not every day that I'm on here, I still feel better being on here writing or sharing than around physical people in my life or that I've had to let go recently that were in my life. Grief is a lonely journey. I no longer look forward to anything. I just don't care. It seems so meaningless. I think about talking to friends but then stop because what do I have to say that is of any importance now? My other half was taken away from me. I don't find anything interesting anymore. I used to run and bike be very active; we did it together. It's all just awful right now. The only thing that keeps me going are my kids because I have to.

Only reason I'm still here is my young son. That may soon change. This whole thing has woken him up that his mother is gone and I more than likely won't live all that long. Something I've told him for years because we had him so late in life. He has a profession, but not the career he wants. Plans are to attend an out of state trade school and start life seriously. At least for today I have a purpose, to assist him in this as his mother would want.