At least that is what my 10 year old son told his school counselor.  He's not making it up.  I am a mess and never has he seen his mom like this.

Our story, March 16, 2017 my husband was diagnoised with neuroendocrine cancer, stage 4.   We met with the oncologist for the first time and my husband said, "our son graduations in 9 years, you have to give me 9 years." The oncologist's response "why don't we get you through your son's graduation and get you some time with just you and your wife after." We had huge hopes that we would get through this.  332 days later my husband passed away.  I am so broken.  I just want him back.  The last 7 months of his life were full of pain, he lost more than half his body weight, in and out of the hospital.  December 4th, he broke his hip while in the hosptial and from then it declined really fast.  He kept telling me he wasn't going to leave us, so we never really had a goodbye, even if we knew.  Feb. 8th the doctor said there was nothing else she could do, time to call hospice.  He took his last breath 3 days later at 8:50 PM.

My son is trying to be so strong, he is the greatest.  But I think he holds back his feelings because he doesn't want to see me upset.  Everytime he sees me cry he's like "you okay mom?" "Mom are you?"  I tell him just missing dad or something along those lines, but I am going to be okay and it's normal to be upset and all that... Maybe I should just tell him, no I am not okay and I don't know if I will be okay ever again.

Yes I am a train wreck. I try to go to work to feel normal but I end up crying and wishing I was at home in bed.  Nothing is normal. Everything in our lives changed. 

The first couples of weeks everyone was calling to see how we were doing, the last couple of weeks no one has called.  Are they tired of me crying, tired of me saying I just want him back with us. That's okay, I got tired of people asking how we are doing, good intentions or not, how the heck do you think we are doing? My life has always been my husband and kids (my daughter lives in Denver) now I just feel alone.  No family close. 

I went to the cemetary yesterday a 20 minute drive from the house, was crying so hard when I left took a wrong turn somewhere and it took me 2 hours to find my way home.  Yes I am a train wreck.

My husband is the most incredible father, loving husband, funny and caring person.  I love him with everything in me and don't ever see how I will get over that.

I am trying "projects" to keep me busy, well my mind is so all over the place our house looks like a war zone. Laundry room half painted, family room furniture somewhat rearranged.  Yet his flip flops are beside the bed and his hat is on the dresser.  Toothbrush still in the bathroom.

Yep, I am a train wreck.