A bunch of idiots. I don't know what to say. I don't know what I would do if my wife was here and healthy and a friend fell into my cituation with his wife dyeing. I would like to think that I would be there for him but I don't know. I do know 1 day they will experience what we have and I hope you will be there for them. They will realize everything they did was wrong the second they see you. Remember to be better than they are and forgive them. trust me life will catch up.

I have been similarly hurt so can understand where you are coming from. I have seen the people who were absent when they were needed and have told them quietly of my disappointmenjt in them. Then I washed my hands of them. They have released me from any obligations I had towards them. One of those was recently widowed and I have not found the time to support her....might sound childish, but my time is better spent on a two way street. Note those people who had the sensitivity towards you when you needed it, and be there in your turn, for them. Shiva is an old tradition for the family of the bereaved - to help them heal. Please put those people out of your mind, and concentate on being gentle with yourself. Hashem will be there for you as always.

Sweetpeas, I understand what you mean. I am sure most of us here have experienced a situation similar. I have and I think it depends on how you feel on the day.

When they approach you, let them say their piece and, if you have the nerve on that day, tell them how you have felt then let it go. As
Drew says, one day the same situation might occur to them. Saying what you felt will liberate you from your anger but letting it go will restore you peace of mind. I don't believe the friendship/relation can go back to what it was but if saying your bit makes you feel better then it is always positive.

However, I know that some days we can be totally tongue-tied and that is ok also. Don't torment yourself over this, they are not worth your angst. Do whatever you can.

Big hug.

Sweetpeas, hi my name is Sammantha I had to go though the same thing except it was not my friends it was my husbands friends and family. My father in law will never show up here ever again so I washed my hands of him. He has embarrassed me to no end he and his wife thought I killed there son. My husband Martin had a bunch of friends and only one friend has shown up to see if I am ok. His other close friends either don't bother or have told me they did not want to see Martin like that. Never mind my emotions that I have to wake up every morning and go out and see my husbands ashes in a urn on the table. So all in all if you see those friends and they come up to you make the best of it. Remember Karma will come around. If this is rude I am sorry.

Seems a shame they will go to a graduation party, but not services for a friend? At 5 months here. No one has checked on me. My family-in-laws of 48 years deserted me. The people he worked with for 30 + years didn't show up.

I think at 4 months, when I met up with these people, I would just ignore them. You are still so emotional, and those feeling will rush to the surface. In the end, you will be the one hurting. Because evidently they have no feelings or they couldn't have treated you like that. So Sorry for your pain.

I think in your situation, I would be distant and when they approach and say 'how are you' I think I would say "I thought if you wanted to know you might have checked with me sooner" or something like that. I would not raise a voice but i would say something to let my disappointment show. I have said to my 'friend' formerly thought of as 'best friend' "I hope you never feel what I am feeling because there really are no words"...I mean, usually they do not know what to say, i wonder though is that enough of an excuse to do or say nothing for their own comfort? In some ways your alone time may have been a blessing. To know then who they really are is a blessing, although a painful one

How to handle it depends on what you would want to accomplish. If you want to let them know you are hurt and angry, then tell them so. If you want to give them an opportunity to make it up to you - a second chance at comforting you - then you handle it differently. It depends on whether you feel the friendships are now ended because of their lack of support.

You could say, "Since Mark died, I have asked God a lot of 'why' questions. One of those why questions was why did my friends all desert me when I needed them the most? God didn't have an answer for that one, do you?"

Depends what you expect to gain. You could let it go, you could let the friendships go. It is up to you. Grief rewrites your address book. I think we have all had someone who seriously disappointed and let us down when we needed them the most.

The nice thing about being a "grown-up" is that you no longer have to play with everybody on the playground - you can choose who you stay friends with. When I realized that, after being terribly hurt by people who were NOT there for me when I thought they would be, it made room in my life for the people who surprised me and stepped up to help.

It can be quite liberating to lose the insincere, negative, and unhelpful people from your social circle.

I am sorry for your loss and sorry that you, too, were hurt.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

If they are Jewish they know respect was/is expected of them ~
Not visiting during shiva is a serious offiense ~
Even if they are Goy/gentiles, they are your friends & should have been able to rise to the occasion to be compassionate w/you ~
The only acceptable reason for a Jew to not visit during shiva is if it will cause harm to another human being - (ex. caretaker, parent w/out a babysitter) ~
For those who know don't this, shiva means "seven" in Hebrew - it lasts for 7 days- it is the ultimate mitzvah (commandment, good deed/honor/gift) one can give to their deceased ~
It is a communal obligation ~
Visitors are expected to provide a mitzvah: respectful visit, provide food for mourners, do their chores, a charitable contribution, etc) ~
I also noticed you are trying in some way to be forgiving of them ~ While they do have full time jobs, there is always a Sunday during shiva since it is not observed on the Sabbath ~
The most important self affirmation you can give yourself is to not dismiss your hurt feelings even though you are feeling so burdened w/crap & overwhelmed w/your husband's death ~
You'll still have to deal w/your hurt feelings whether it's directly w/them or on your own at some point in your grief journey ~

Onto the problem at hand, you can continue to observe the Laws of Mourning & its protection by not attending the party ~
Instead, you could just make a simple home visit prior to the party or call your nephew on the phone or nothing at all ~
Or you can decide on a time limit for your visit and practice different scenarios beforehand to see how you might react in the situation w/each person ~
Visualize the face of each of the 4 one at a time; What do you feel? Do you want to run away? What do you want to say to each of them? How are you saying it? Calmly? With anger? ~
Next think about what they might give as an excuse for not attending shiva or visiting/calling you at any time - Does it all sound like lies or BS? How are you reacting? Are you okay? Or do you feel like you want knock their teeth in?
These exercises can give you some idea of your final decision ~
A heads up on your reactions & provide time to enpower yourself ~
The best benefit is the discharge of anger; the release ~ maybe not all of it, but at least some ~
It's sad that your family thought enough of your friends to include in this special family event ~
Good luck w/it Babe ~

I must say, I have utmost respect for the Jewish Laws of Mourning~
It speaks w/heartful regard of the human condition during loss ~
And in observing them, Jews process their grief, it is understood it will take YEARS to accept the "Will of God" & their loss ~

Hope this helps ~

Just my opinion from my own experiences. Cut your losses and move on to other friends and new acquaintances. Unfortunately many "friends" abandon you when you lose your spouse--plain and simple we make them uncomfortable--they see mortality and they don't like it--and don't want to be "tainted" by our sadness and grief. Many people will tell you that your "friends" just don't know what to say and that's probably true--but I can tell you that if they are adults with half a brain they do know that you are hurting--the problem is that they just don't want to be affected by your pain so they distance themselves for their own comfort--and hope that you will "come around" and be who they remember again so they can be comfortable around you again. That type of friend, in my opinion, is not worth the effort of trying to keep the friendship going. Honestly, myself, I would not make an effort to approach them at all and if they approached me I would probably have little to say other than answering pretty frankly but politely should I be asked how I was doing--most likely that would send them running for the hills because they really don't want to know how you are--they want to hear you say you are fine so they don't have to think about your grief. . Again, just my opinion and from my own experiences. I hope you are able to enjoy your nephew's graduation party in spite of being around a few people who have proven to be less than friends--concentrate on the ones who are there that you know care.
Hugs, Wanda

Difficult times are a true test of real friendship. You now know they are not the good friends you thought they were.

Maggie

I don't know what I would do. I know I would feel mad when I saw them. I definately would avoid them. if they approached me I couldn't help but be cold. My best friend did something like this to me. I work in a retail shop and that was the only time i saw her for over a year.
Always had excuses not to get together. She was always with her new friends. Finally one day I said gee If I didn't work here I would never see you. I only hear from you when you need something from here. 5 months after that she called and said "i realize i never see you so I'd like to invite you over". She said she hadn't been a good friend to me. Her husband, her, my husband and I were all best friends since high school.

Its a tough call see how you feel when you see them. Let us know how it went.