Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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lizbeth9 09/19/2014

I am new here but I do feel that I was led to this site by my Higher Power to get some answers to questions and thoughts that I have been having. My love of my life of 42 years was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in 2006 and through faith and love and the will to go on, lasted 6 years. He passed in our home under my care and that of hospice nurses. One day, during his last few weeks he told me about his love for me and that he hated the fact that someday I may be with someone else. I too pledged my love for him and told him that there NEVER would be anyone else. At the time, I didn't believe that anyone would want me, a widow who loved her husband more than anything in this world. We have 3 grown, married children and 4 beautiful grandchildren. I spend a great deal of time with all of them but at when they leave for their homes, I am very lonely. Ok, here goes...I have met a man whom I haven't really had a chance to talk one on one with but has given me his phone number and asked me to call him. He has shown interest in me and I in him. I am not ready for a relationship but I would like to have some companionship other than my children, their families and girl friends. How do I get over guilt in wanting to call him and how do I tell my family that I am even considering this. I don't want them to feel like I am done grieving, because I am not. How will I know If I am ready to take the next step of going on with my life?

laney77 09/19/2014

Hi Lizbeth9, When I first started dating again I did not tell my grown children about it. I sooooo understand your feelings of guilt over the decision to make that call and more importantly what people will think of you if you do. That was one of the major reasons that I kept it to myself. During that time I did introduce the topic to my friends and family and slowly over a years time I have been able to open up and admit when I will be going out on "a date". I have also been very very honest with any man I might meet, he knows I'm a widow and needs to understand that although it has been 4 years I still love my husband, I still feel married, I miss him with all my heart, not looking to replace him and I still frequently ride the waves of grief. I think you should call this man, do it for you, it will not diminish the love you and your husband shared. Please let us know what you decide. Lori

mel40 09/19/2014

It's a phone call. No reason to feel guilty over that. Step 1: realize that's all it is and you don't need anyone's permission.
You may find a very good friend. Step 2: allow yourself to make new friends.
Just because you're interested in dating somebody doesn't mean that you will. Get to know him first and see if he is really somebody that you want to date.

letmehelpyou 09/19/2014

If you are interested, call. It is 100% your choice and your life. If you don't try, you will not know. If you are not interested, don't. And I am talking about meeting a new friend; not that dreaded word "dating". I have had some friends thinks they are ready, they tried, they found out, no, not right now, not this person. But the experience didn't hurt them. I did, and much to my amazement and disbelief, found a new love that brings a lot of joy to my life. The thing is, from my perspective, you never really stop grieving, you just learn how to live with the grief. And maybe, even though you still have your grief, and all the love you have for your husband, you find someone you can spend the here and now with and enjoy your life. No reason to feel guilty over that.

npc4204 09/19/2014

Lizbeth,

You have no reason to feel guilty.
I agree with Mel, make the phone call, you may find a good friend.
Life is too short to waste, while we're here we should enjoy it.

Hugs,
Janie

kymberlycourt 09/19/2014

I have met a very nice man who has come to mean very much to me. We spend time together and are heading towards a wonderful relationship. The man that I met understands that I still am actively grieving my husband, but he also knows that it time I will be ready to go on with my life and he is willing to wait. Michael would want me to have a life filled with love and few regrets. I have found that the heart is capable of loving to several different degrees. I know that if I had been the one that passed, I would want my dear sweet Michael to love, laugh and live again.

P.S.
My children are happy that I am moving on.
Kym

Shrn 09/19/2014

I would definitely call him and become friends. Get to know each other and see what happens. I'm sure that your husband wasn't meaning to make you feel guilty, but rather thinking about missing you and loving you. Sharon

handg 09/19/2014

You cannot break a promise that wasn`t yours to make. Unless you are God, there is no way you could predict the road that losing your husband would lead you to. It changes you . I know that my feelings have changed from the early denial of the beginning. Now that my grieve is longer in it`s journey I realize that what I had with Howie was indeed very real and very special. I miss those moments and while I may never have the exact same moments again because he is gone, I would like one day to have similar moments in my future. I do not mean marriage and all that but companionship , shared laughter, a hug ...

sandeestttn 09/19/2014

I agree. Its just a phone call, and maybe a meal? I told my children about a man I saw twice. Now they want to know what happened to him? After 2nd meal together, he was taking it too fast, so I backed off. Now, I wish another man would take a interest in this old person. Its been 19 months, but I don't want to live the rest of my life alone.

Sandee

Banjochick 09/20/2014

Your husband Loved you. He knew he was going to die and that he was going to have to leave you. He didn't want to leave you as you didn't want him to go. His human emotions of you being with somone else was jealousy, which is perfectly normal. Since he "Loved" you, he wouldn't want you to be lonely and miserable, because if he did, that would not have been love. He is no longer of this earth. Your vows were "til death do we part". Death is what took him away. Would you have ever wanted him to feel so lonely and miserable such as you are feeling? I don't think you would. Call your friend. Find the happiness that you deserve. I didn't think I would ever remarry again, never thought I could have found happiness with any other man, but I did. He is good to my children and grandchildren and they are good to him. No one will Ever "replace" our deceased husbands. They aren't being replaced. All we are doing is enriching our lives with new friends and going on with our lives. Please don't feel guilty. You have Nothing to feel guilty about. God Bless you!

deleted_user 09/20/2014

I have to agree with so much that has been said. I am on the other side of it- my husband wanted me to make sure that I did continue to live, to find love, companionship, sexual satisfaction, someone to be with. I'm also fortunate that my children step children have already told me that they know that's an important thing to give their blessing to that part of what might be in my life.

It has not been very long since his physical body died, but it has been quit a while since he was there for me emotionally and I can understand that he was exceptional in his understanding that I would need to be with someone some day and to do it without being guilty- doesn't mean I won't be, but.....shoot why can't their be black and white rules along the way?

Life it not only too short- it's too darn hard to face it alone all the time- make the call - and follow your gut/heart and let yourself be happy. sigh - not that I'm in any place to give advice as I barely make it through any day without bouts of crying.

lizbeth9 09/22/2014

I never thought that I would get such good responses from strangers but then as I read them, I felt you all know what I am going through because you are in the same situation as me, you have lost someone you loved dearly. You all are right, I pledged "till death do us part" but I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready yet, to try to go on. I may still see that man on Tuesdays and I may get some courage to chat with him but I just couldn't make myself call him. I still need some time. Yesterday and today were not good days for me. Yesterday was 2 1/2 years since my husband passed. Every 20th of the month I see it as an "anniversary" of the day he passed. Is that weird? Today after church, a parishioner spoke to me, telling me that she has noticed that I don't come with my husband any more. I told her that he passed and quickly rushed away because I lost it. You see, I still can't even mention him without getting choked up or crying. How can I talk to another man without thinking of him? handg, I hear you, thank you. Banjochick, thank you, I understand. Hugs to all of you, I think I have finally found a place where I can speak of my feelings instead of keeping them to myself.

Christine26 09/22/2014

I am a little late jumping in here Lizbeth, but I would definitely call. It's a phone call. Your husband loved you and he would want you to be happy and live your life. Give him a call. Hope things work out for you.

jerseydebbie 09/22/2014

As with anything else, you'll just know when you are ready. I can only speak for myself, but the guilt would always be with me if I made the same vow to my husband and discovered later that I want the opposite.

I knew before my husband even became ill that I would never want another. He has been gone 5 years now, and I still do not want the attention of another. My life is so busy with activities, family and friends that I can't tell you what loneliness is, or being alone for that matter. It has really never existed since the day he passed. Guess I might be lucky in the respect that I always feel his presence with me and that is good enough until we are joined again.

If this man and dating is something you really want, or even want to try, it is your decision and no one else's. You may discover after one date that you really aren't ready or interested at all.

russ1153 09/22/2014

You have to follow what you feel is right. I have tried dating a little but it hasnt felt right so Ill give it more time and try again. Im at 18 months and feel kind of stuck as I want to move forward as Im tired of feeling like this but not sure how to do it.
Russ

sassiesoftail 09/22/2014

My Tim was a very jealous man and if the opportunity came up to have that conversation his first response would be the same as your husband. But in reality his view was " nobody wants to grow old alone.
So with that being said, yes his first thought would be jealousy but then he would realize that that would mean growing old alone. And he would encourage me to find someone to spend the remainder of my life with.
Do what you feel go about. When you are ready it will come naturally.
Hugs, Sandi

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