Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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rubble 02/17/2011

I am at a loss to figure how to proceed with my husbands family. I have kept in touch through out these last three months since my husbands death through a couple of phone calls and a few emails. I have also visited in person on a couple of occations. At the end of my last in person visit my sister in law asked me to call her parents more. She felt her mom needed to talk to me more often. Well, I waited a few days after I got home and called her (my husband always did this and for me it was a little akward) and we talked a little about James and my niece. She didn't seem relieved or like she needed me to answer any questions. (they chose not to travel to hospice when James fell into a coma since they had just seen him a week before. I kept them informed as much as I could but suspected they might have questions) Anyway, I have so much I am dealing with at home not only my grief but legal issues, living arraingements, etc. I also can't think straight or keep a thought in my head most times due to the stress. I want to be good to them they have been very kind but I also need to deal with my own issues. I can't tell at this point what is appropriate. I have told them they are welcome to call me anytime and so far they haven't. I have recieved cards and emails but not often. I am feeling a little guilty about not working to try and console them but I just can't offer that to them when my grief is so hard. I can't even be around my own family for long. What has worked for you in these situations?

deleted_user 02/17/2011

I have to be honest, my in laws are the ones that have kept in touch. They call once a week to check on me, but of course, I have a house full of their grandkids. They have come to see us once, its a 3 1/2 hour drive. I do not have the energy to make the first moves, but I have not had to. I think in your situation, I would call occasionally, if you can, but I would not stress about anything else. If you can't do it, don't. Right now you need to take care of you. Do not feel guilty! Hugs, Dawn

deleted_user 02/18/2011

My in laws live in the same town as we did, so it made it a little easier for us to keep in contact. I have grown very close to his sister in the past few months and to be quite honest I found it consoling to be around them because it was the only time I laughed talking about memories of his younger years and I sharing stories that he and I shared together. I also have their granddaughter/niece. We try to have dinner once a week, sometimes it doesn't all work out but they are big on texting so it makes it easier to keep in touch. We check on each other because we all suffered a great loss. I know it is hard to even be around people at times even it is your own family. All I wanted to do was stay home in my hole and not come out, but they helped me see that he wouldn't want me to do that either. His mother may just have wanted to hear your voice or just talk. I know my mother in law told me she wanted to hang on to us because we are she has left of him. I know it isn't easy for any mother to have to go before there children it seems unnatural. They are hurting too, and you both may find comfort in each other.

deleted_user 02/18/2011

You are sweet to worry about their feelings - you are honoring your husband. I have most of my family, and my Sister in Law and her family living way away from me. I hate talking on the phone (always have), so I email people almost every day. It doesn't have to be ''big stuff'', it just shows that you are thinking of them, and you can also let them know how and what you are doing. They will stay ''connected''. DON'T stand on ceremony - I called you - you call me. These people are the closest link to your dear husband. I have my Sister in Law hug me when I see her - she has the same build as Jerry (for a woman - that's not so great) - but she has freckles like his, and for a second I am hugging some of his genes too??? Be peaceful with the people who matter in your life. Vicki

Parmela 02/18/2011

MY MIL only lives about 15 minutes from me and we are very close. On earlier posts I've written extensively about her situation. Since 2007, she has lost her husband and both of her children.

Sometimes it is hard to be with her because her grief is so hard to see and I don't have the emotional resources to help her. But, on the other hand, she loved him as much as I did and our mutual love for him has been a bond.

Just try to keep in mind that they had lost their child and are coping with their own grief. I would encourage you to call them every week or so just to say hi and see where the conversations lead you. You may find that they lead no place, or you may find a source of support you didn't expect.

deleted_user 02/18/2011

I lost my husband just 6 months ago. I am learning as well, but I would like to tell you that it doesnt matter how kind or how much you care... you can never make everyone happy. You need to work on you and take care of you because no one else is going to. You lost your husband and they should be worried about you. Dont be afraid to be selfish with yourself. Noone can understand unless they have been through it. Dont feel guilty just try to be happy

widowhoodsucks 02/18/2011

My husbands parents were already deceased when he passed. His extended family on his mothers side is still very close to me and my children. They will always be my family.

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