Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I just can't seem to sleep any more. Its no wonder I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings. I feel like I am going backwards instead of forward. In previous months I could force myself to get out of bed, even if my legs were like jelly. I literally had to take hold of my leg & lift it out of bed to the floor. Now I just pull the covers over my head & figure why bother. What do I have to live for. I don't want to live without my husband. But then I think of my daughters. Even though they are in their 20's I know losing their mother too would probably put them over the edge. I would never do that to them. I just started a part time job so hopefully on the days I work I will have a reason why I have to get out of bed. But besides taking sleeping pills, or drinking wine, does anyone have suggestions on how to get to sleep? Even when I walk the dog I just want to cry. Walking gives you a lot of time to think & thinking usually leads to tears. So walking doesn't even seem to help. I just miss my husband & its so lonely sleeping in the bed without him.
The empty bed feeling can be lessened by getting a body pillow - this is a long big bolster-type pillow - my sister got me one from Bed Bath & Beyond I think. You sleep with it on his side of the bed and then when you roll over it feels like you're not alone. I never was able to sleep on Cliff's side of the bed, and this actually helped.
Room changes - I redecorated the room - changed out the linens, artwork, lamps. There is a subconscious expectation to see them in old familiar places. This turned out to be one of my problems - I am very visual - so on some level I was expecting to see Cliff in our room, and the room seemed wrong and jarring without him in it. Oddly, changing these small things helped me sleep through the night.
Warm milk - this is an old-fashioned remedy, but it does help. If you're not crazy about the flavor, try a little maple syrup in it - it adds a little flavor without adding too much sugar.
Chamomile tea - most supermarkets carry it now in the herbal tea section. This is a natural relaxer which will not make you dopey in the morning and has the added bonus of not interacting with other meds if you have to take anything else. One cup about half an hour before bedtime usually does the trick.
Turkey - have a snack before bedtime with turkey in it - there is a substance in turkey called tryptophan which is a natural relaxant. Now you know why everybody wants to sleep after Thanksgiving dinner....
Non-prescription sleep meds - the over-the-counter stuff - Nytol, Sominex, and Tylenol PM - contain the same ingredient as Benedryl - it's diphenhydramine. If you can take Benedryl, then the others will be okay. I am really sensitive to that chemical, so I got the kids version of Benedryl which is half the strength. That was all I needed. Note that Walgreens and Target and the like have their own house brand versions which are cheaper - generics.
Nytol now makes an herbal version which contains traditional sleep inducing herbs - Valerian, Hops. If diphenhydramine is not for you, try the herbal version.
Melatonin - you get this in health food stores. Traditionally taken to beat jet lag problems, many swear by it. I have not personally used it, but friends have recommended it.
Vitamins - you are under a great deal of stress. The vitamins and minerals that get wiped out in these circumstances are the B-complex, especially B12, D, and Calcium. These are all important for the physical side of emotional health. If you're not taking a supplement, you should consider it. I wouldn't take them late at night - I get amped up if I take mine late in the day. I take mine with lunch - easier on the stomach that way, too.
Hormones may play a part - those of us widowed in the menopausal/perimenopausal years got the extra whammy of hormonal fluctuations which in themselves can disrupt your sleeping patterns. If you think this might be playing into it, talk to your doctor about it. Depending on where you are vis-a-vis menopause, hormone replacement therpay (HRT) may be appropriate. The new studies that reviewed the old studies found that women in the 50-63 range are actually at low risk of problems with HRT. The studies previously did not delineate age groups, and most of the risks were with older women - mid-60's and beyond. I can give you links on that if you need them.
Lifestyle stuff - no television, no computer time before bed. You need to turn these off about an hour before bed to relax. Reading can help, provided it is something you enjoy and that relaxes you. (Suspenseful novels are probably not a good idea.) Soft music may help - it didn't help me, but some people it does. If you find your mind whizzing, churning the same stuff over and over, practice asking yourself if you can actually do anything about it at 2:00? The answer is usually 'no' so then you can tell yourself 'I will sleep so I can be rested for tomorrow when I can do something about it.'
Exercise - it can help you sleep better, just make sure it's at least 3 hours before bedtime or you will still be revved up. If the walking makes you cry, maybe shorten the walks or try a different route. I used to walk on my coffee breaks at work, which also helped me de-stress at work.
I used to talk to Cliff every night to tell him anything I felt I needed to. Weird, but it helped get it out of my system.
When I could, I prayed. Often I was too angry with God. I finally had to tell God just how angry I was with Him and how unfair it was. Eventually, I got past that, and found praying for courage, strength, and guidance helped. The Serenity Prayer is a good place to start - we have a thread going with that I think.
I hope something here helps. Wishing you good dreams....
Love and Hugs,
Martha
At your age , you may also be experiencing other health factors that normally disrupt sleep. Hormones, sleep apnea, Thyroid , all these should be look into as a precaution. Drink plenty of water. Being dehydrated also can cause issues.
At the beginning it is normal to want to be with them, but like you I have children who do not deserve to lose their mom. I was one with my husband but the choice to have children was ours and I owe it to them to provide the healthiest mom I can possibly offer. I also owe it to myself. I wanted to lead my example. I have done everything possible to help with my grieve and that includes a second round of bereavement classes. How can I expect my children to deal with their grieve in a healthy manner if I am not willing to do so for myself ? Hardest thing I had to do but I had to do it regardless. Good Luck xoxo
Cliffskat - great advice!
Handg - wow! I admire you.
Barbara