Yes Fay this is your new life and you hate it like all the rest of us here. I am nowhere near my 1st anniversary of my husband's passing so I don't know how you have made it as far as you have. That proves you have strength and will and yes faith. I am trying so hard everyday just to fight my way through, but feel nothing. No joy, no anything except pain, fear and empty. Everyone says it will get easier and that we can get through so I have to believe that is true, but hard to see that now. This is a very lonely road we travel and we don't have the energy to do things outside of your grief. We cannot see that far ahead and maybe we should just try to get by day to day at this point. I feel like I am having brief moments where I feel a little bit more ok, but then I meltdown worse than ever before. So am I progressing or regressing? I think that too is normal on this road we are on. I don't really know how we are supposed to keep dragging along but I just know that my husband would be so disappointed in me if I didn't try. Everything I do each day I do for him and with him in mind. When I get dressed and fix my hair and makeup it's for him, not for me. When I eat it is because he wouldn't want me to get sick. And if and when I sleep it is only because I am hoping to dream of him. It's all about him for me, just like it was when he was alive. It was always for and about him.

Thank you all sincerely for your honest supportive comments.

I took some of your advice - I was scheduled to attend my annual company retirement dinner last night and had almost decided not to go (even although I had booked a hotel) - but after reading your initial comments I decided I would go - so I did!! It wasn't a huge gathering but it is an event where you are invited with your spouse - so it was couples mostly. I hadn't seen any of them since Wilf died and they were all so welcoming (I missed last year's dinner because it was only 4 weeks after Wilf passed).

I got through it - had a nice dinner - went back to hotel - didn't sleep (so what's new?) and got up and went down to breakfast and then it happened (actually for the first time that I can remember) - "table for one?" - destroyed!! Not sure how I actually managed to eat what I did.

Then since I was already half way there, I went to visit my cousin and his wife and went out to lunch with them. Then home again - a lot of driving (too much eating) and back to nothing changed.

But I WILL get better at it. If I could just get past the terrible loneliness.

I know this is a road we all walk and if it wasn't for the support on this site I dont know what I would do - venting is good for your sanity. I think as well I may go back to writing my journal - I stopped a few weeks ago - I did find that writing it all down was quite cleansing. I started it on 1 January this year.

Sorry this is a big long winded but I just wanted to let you know that I will come through this and it will be because of your support.
Luv to all Fay xxxx