I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I went through a period, between the 3-4 month mark that I felt the same way(next week will be 5 months). I was so down for about 2 weeks I thought I would never get up again. I don't want to tell you it will get better (I hate when people say that to me) - but after that I did manage to get up again! This is one heck of a roller coaster ride and there definitely are the ups and downs. I don't know your situation - but if you can, try to see friends and family - don't stay cooped up - maybe it will help. I hope you are on an upswing soon! Hugs...

The first anniversary of the death is such a difficult time. Our whole body seems to relive the event again, this time without all of the external things that HAVE to be done. This is the most difficult thing that we will ever do and we just have to do whatever it takes to survive. It will get less intense with time but it's time in large doses, not days or even weeks. Many hugs to you as you walk this path.

It is definitely a part of grief - and it comes at different times: inertia. No interest in anyone or anything. It will gradually get better. Suggestions: If you have an invitation to do anything - accept it. Get out of the house and have coffee with someone. Keep "putting on that face" and do the best you can until this passes. Try to take one day at a time and not look at the long road ahead. List 3 things you are thankful for each day (or more). Hang in there!
Hugs - Doye

Dear Fay, I think what you are experiencing is extremely common for just past the one-year mark. There is something about having gone through all the "firsts" of that initial year, and then finding yourself saying "okay, now what?" that knocks us down. When you were a child, did you ever play by spinning around and around and then suddenly stop? You feel completely off-balance and a little dizzy. That's kind of what getting past the first year is like. You have been emotionally spinning, and now you have to stop and take stock and it throws you.

It will get easier to cope. You have had some good advice here, and I agree that you should get out and about if you can. I checked to see if there was anything locally in your area that might help, and I came across this widows group in your area:

http://dundalkonline.info/index.php?id=78

It might be worth a phone call, just to get you started.

Here is the National Association of Widows in Ireland website, their Dundalk chapter meets next week on Wednesday:

http://www.nawi.ie/home.php

I am not saying you should only go to "widow meetings" but I thought maybe these would help you get going again. I hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I remember feeling the same way. Just not wanting to pretend that you are doing fine, when you're not fine at all. Those would be the days that seemed endless. Wish I could take your pain away. Sharon

Thank you all for your kindness and support. I know in my head what I i am supposed to be doing but my heart and body fight it all the way. I had just made a resolution on my status update that I will start to accept every invitation and GO - at the moment I accept but I dont go. I have to get better or people will stop asking. I know that and I still cant quite get there. I have had an invitation an hour ago - it is my birthday this Tuesday and a friend rang to say she wanted to take me out for a meal. I have accepted and I will go!!

Thank you Martha for the links - I dont know how you do it - I have searched and searched for groups like this and nothing has ever shown up. I will certainly look at it and go to at least one meeting.

Thank you all again. I will try to put my bright face to myself!!

Fay.

Dear Fay,
My heart goes out to you with all the pain you are feeling. I am just starting on my road of firsts only 53 days, but I feel like you expressed so much of the time. I just got back from a work required class and I managed to get through all 2 hours of it and then lost it in my car on the way home. I too have avoided accepting invitations from people because I knew I could not get through it and they wouldn't understand if I broke down at lunch. I too don't sleep well and want to sleep the day away, but I push myself to get up, dressed and force myself to do what I need to do, but by mid afternoon I am more than ready to give it up and lay on the couch or go to bed. You just have to try to do a little at a time as you can and let your body and heart tell you what is enough. I am glad you are going out for your birthday, It may be hard, but it's a positive move towards healing.

Fay - give yourself a break. It's only been a year. I remember thinking, post the one year - I've gone through this agony, where's the reward? Listen to your heart, and your gut, as to what to do now. If you want to go out, do it. If you don't, then don't. The world's not gonna stop spinning on its axis, you know? It's ok. Your life consists of just today. Projecting will make you nuts (I can verify this). Hugs, Marsha

Fay I was shocked how many times I was able to pick myself up. That being said I had to seek out the help, encouragement and strength of others in order to do it because the grief journey left me so damn exhausted. I promise you Fay at some point there is light at the end of that tunnel it just is so hard to see right now. A gentle hug to you because I know how tiring and painful the journey is. God bless. Gerry

Im at 19 months and when I hit a low period I still wonder if it will pass, when in my brain I know it will as it has many times. But as you noted in your heart your not sure. From the very start I went out when asked as I knew the invites would stop if I didnt so try to get out. You may want to discuss this with your doctor as you may be depressed and he may be able to help. Take care of yourself.
Russ

My councelor said he has many patients who think the 12 month mark is some milestone where pain ends, & one feels free of grieving & goes on with life. & The truth is the process is far more individualized than that. I have a close friend & also my cousin who lost their spouses many yrs ago, never dated they have gone on & have healthy lives they tell me the first yr was so painful & traumatic they vaguely recall it. Pat yourself on the back & keep going & do not be ashamed to seek medical help if you can't. This is a very painful thing to go through. & you will be doing okay a while & then boom back to stage one stomping & crying & wanting to lay down & never move from that bed!

Dear Fay,

I went throught the same thing at my first year anniversary. I was really knocked for a loop and just hoping for some light at the end of the tunnel.. Yes it is grief and it does eventually get better. You are on the right track, and it is OK to be angry. Try to get out and push yourself to be with people, it is very hard but it does help. I found my support group invaluable. Just hang in there.

Its a tough fight. I have adult children they live in different states but they would call everyday looking forward to the calls knowing how much they wanted me to keep going helped me.They still plan family trips and insist I come . Once I go I do enjoy so try to force your self to get out among people.Its been over 5 years for me and I still miss my husband everyday. I saw something a few days ago saying when someone you love dies you never get over it you just learn how to move on without them. So true for me.

We pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off as many times as it takes. It is definitely grief, could be depression, and if it is self pity who cares - this is the one time when we can have as many pity parties as we want without being judged. Be patient Fay, and don't be hard on yourself. Reading the various comments on here you can get a good sense that the grieving process gets better in time. Take comfort from the wisdom of the others who have been here before you. Thinking about you and hoping today is a bit easier than yesterday.

I love your honesty. "Dragging along..." - perfect description. "How do you all keep doing this?" Perfect question. I'm at 7 months and seem to have regressed. Bad days are increasing. I'm a solution-oriented type, but this - this is a whole new ballgame. Reading these replies helps to re-bolster me. At the very least, I saw mentioned in black and white things I have been able to do...could then remember to give myself credit that I am trying. I hope you can look back through your last year and remind yourself of all that you managed to do, too. I hope that provides you with proof that you can find your way again. For the past 3, 4 weeks, I've felt like I am only dragging myself up to face another day, and those waking moments of re-knowing I am alone hurt harder lately. I feel like I'm a ghost of the me I was before and I wander through our home haunting myself. I have figured out one thing I will try to add to help me keep going. Our sons live a do-able distance away. Their last visit home was 3 months ago. They will both be here this weekend for a small dedication at their Dad's 2nd favorite place on earth - the golf course. (My Scottie's 1st favorite place was our home.) I am going to ask them if they can work it out between them to come home more often...for the time being. Splitting the visits up between them shouldn't have either of them traveling here overly much. To get to this point, I had to let go of feeling angry, hurt, resentful...whatever you want to call it that they haven't done so on their own. I had to focus on the fact that I and their Dad raised them to go out and seek their own lives. They have, and the lives they've made are good, healthy, fulfilling. Wish me luck as I am not good at asking for what I need. I hope you can ask for and can get whatever you need to lift yourself back up.