Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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sunlight 11/14/2016

Hi All, Grateful to be here, with people who understand.......I'm only at three months, since my husband/partner of 35 years passed unexpectedly in his sleep.....for those further along the grief journey, how do you move forward with a new chapter of your life? I'm feeling so scared, confused, sad -- and alternatingly sometimes hopeful -- my life is turned upside down....in my 60's, and was disabled for 10 years with chroinc illness before he passed --- getting stronger health wise the past two years - but still only able to work part time, and I need more income to make a living for myself ---- he left bills and debt, and much unfinished business.....the other unresolved issues is that we were not "legally" married, but commonlaw, and our state does not recognize commonlaw, therefore his retirement pension does not go to me and the car I owned which was in his name, no longer belongs to me -- it's really upsetting! I wonder if there is some legal servie that could help - or it others were ever in this predicament? So, I'm not sure where to turn -- not healthy enough to work full time, only working part time, but unable (at least as far as i've researched) to be entitled to his pension, which he would have wanted.....miss him so much.....thanks for being here.....and prayers and hugs to everyone for their loss.......Sunlight

marjoe 11/14/2016

Sunlight, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not up on the legalities of common-law marriage - it may be a good thing to have a visit with a lawyer to see where you're at.

How did I move forward? Hell, I didn't, It seemed like time moved around me, in the beginning, whether I liked it or not. Just keep ahold of yourself, day to day. Or minute to minute. Hugs, Marsha

Msbklyn 11/15/2016

I am so very sorry for your loss. You should contact the local Bar Associstion and ask if they have an attorney who would work pro bono, which means without a fee. You can also talk to his legal heirs, perhaps they would be willing to assist you by sharing the proceeds from his estate. As far as moving on, time moves on and somehow we do as well. Don't force yourself to think about much more than the essentials and go day by day. For now , that will be enough. I wish you peace on your journey.

tim57 11/16/2016

Hey Sunlight, My wife passed on in her sleep unexpectedly also. I went to work that morning and came home to find her gone. No good byes just gone. Time is the only way to move on. You can't rush yourself. Everyone moves at a different pace to. One thing, don't ever let anyone tell you it's time you move on and you have to get over it. You will not get over it. You will learn ways to live with it. And that's the best you can hope for. I can tell you that after a little over one year I have healed a lot. It is better. The pain is there but not as intense. I go thru grief waves but they don't knock me down like they used to. One reason I recognize them and so I'm not got off guard anymore. The most important thing that helped me was my faith. I got stronger in it and God has carried me thru all this. The other is relating to those who have been there. It truly helps to talk with others who have been where your going. It helps to know you aren't the only one going thru this. The other is knowing my wife would want me to move forward and not waste the life I have left. She was very big on not wasting life, but living it to the fullest. And so I try to keep that in my mind. Take your time.

When she passed on all the bills in her name were wiped out. I wan't responsible for them because my name wasn't on them. Different states I guess are different but in Ala. the spouse behind doesn't pay them if their name wasn't on the bill. As far as benefits, I'm not sure but here I think the state does recognize common law marriage, but I'm not for certain. It would be best to just check with a local attorney though.
Just take care of yourself.

Peace, Tim

shelda 11/16/2016

It has been 8 months since my husband of 36 years passed away after a lengthy illness...I go for walks in the forest and listen to the birds..life..then i close my eyes and imagine him here with me...it helps and am grateful Every day for everything. When I touch into that feeling..it takes a while someday's not at all most usually now everyday i feel Love ,Jubilation so Thankful for Everyones' Love that I have to contain it which now turns into laughter..better then tears..

sunlight 11/17/2016

Thanks, everyone, for your replies and sharing -- taking it slow, and a day or an hour at a time --- sometimes the emotions are overwhelming, sometimes, my faith and hope keep me going, or a friend says an encouraging word.......I feel so isolated at lot ---- haven't found enough friends in my "new life" yet to be good company --- and have been sick a lot lately, too. sometimes it's good to be in nature, taking a walk, or resting with soft music.....I go out alone, here and there, to a concert or event or gathering -- but have nothing steady to lean on......maybe this is just time I do need to be alone as I feel through this....... hugs to all and healing to all!

Waynster 11/21/2016

Thinking back on the loss of both my wives often reminds me of what losing your family really means. There are no answers to questions that are asked "why?". The man above allowed me to go on without my permission and changed everything good I knew. Money was no problem but all else was taken away. When a heart beats to the tune of goodness it never seems to mend completely and you keep going until your days gone. No, I'm not a Mormon - was married to each at different times. My lesson to this day is a first hand knowledge of what it means when folks say "rest in peace".

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