Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My name is Russ and I'm new here as my wife Laurie died suddenly on March 12, 2013. How do you move forward after this. Now that the shock and numbness have worn off I think I'm worse now then I was a month ago. I can't stop thinking of her and crying as I realize this is all real and she's gone forever. All of our plans and dreams - gone. We were married for 29 years and we were close to retiring and enjoying our golden years together. What now. Everyone says one day at a time, but each day seems just as bad or worse then the day before.
Like you I have lost most of my family. My husband was my rock when someone close to me passed away, Both parents have died, my brother 7 years ago, his son four yeas ago. I do have two adult children and 2 grandchildren under 8 yrs.
I thought I knew grief until my spouse died. Our plans when we retire are now gone. Moving to another state would be impossible myself. Everyday is a challenge. Keep taking baby steps. You have to keep riding waves of emotions. I believe the first year will be the hardest.
Hugs and prayers are with you
In the end, I cracked. I asked my doctor for anti-depressants, just so I could hold it together enough to function from day to day. For my daughter's sake. Because firstly, single parents don't have the luxury of falling apart, and secondly, I have proven too many times how good I am at self-destructing, and I didn't trust myself not to go there again. I was on ADs for about six months.
Now, about 3 1/2 years later, I am happy again, most days, but I still have moments when it hurts so much that it takes my breath away. Moments when all I can do is cry. I think those moments will get fewer and less often as time passes, but I don't believe that they will ever go away completely.
I can relate to all your stated feelings, as I feel them, too in different degrees since my loss happened 3 years ago. My husband didn't die suddenly, so that is something I can only imagine. How awful it must be to lose suddenly. My heart goes out to you.
Congratulate yourself on every milestone. You have just survived the worst month of your life and you made it, awful as it was. I understand your complete trauma about your plans for retirement together, to enjoy the rewards of a lifetime of working and finally have muchmore time together. Joe and I had bought a little house in the mountains and had spent tons of hours going to auctions buying furniture and odds and ends to fill the little house for our enjoyment. Joe died at age 66, never drawing a single day of happy retirement.......he continued working till 66 so he could draw full retirement, not penalized for early retirement. Then he died and I was left alone to put the little house up for sale and empty it of all its precious contents that we so lovingly purchased for our joy. All gone. Robbed of our contract of "work hard, enjoy your rewards". We did the "work hard" part, but the rewards were snatched away, stolen from us. So I truly understand your bewilderment and pain of losing those dreams. The only comfort I can offer is that I understand your pain and so do many others here.
You are still in shock, whether you realize it or not. It takes a long time not to expect your love to suddenly walk in the door and say,"Hi, honey, I'm home!" You will see her in a crowd, from the back, when seeing a woman who looks similar in her hair color and style and height. The pain will lessen with time. You will not always be overcome with grief. It will become PART of your life but not all-consuming. You cannot believe that it will because you can't see ahead. This is normal....it happened to all of us.
Come here often, treat yourself with love and good care, read books on grief recovery, and enjoy the company only of people who are loving and understanding that you are in pain. I wish you the very best in your recovery. Be patient. It takes time, but life will become tolerable at some point, and then enjoyable again at some point. Just hang on and get support here, every day. It is here for you. ((((Warm understanding hugs))))
Kathleen
I couldn't sleep in our bedroom for 2 months after her passing and at this point one day at a time means absolutely nothing.
I remember going through everything you mention and at times I still go through it. The numbness you feel may be thinning at this point but I don't believe the shock will wear off for some time yet. Shock carries pain and your pain is very evident and raw. I think by one day at a time you're being asked to make it to the next day, and the day after that, etc... I wish we had more words of encouragement but I know nothing will help at this point. For now I would keep coming back to this site whenever possible. Say what's on your mind and type your feelings as often as necessary. If you're not ready to speak to others on a one to one basis then all you can do is try to go on as you've been doing until you are ready. As with others on this site if you feel the need to contact someone just to speak your mind we all can be contacted privately and would be more than fine to listen.
Maggie
Hope this helps,
Antonella