Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My name is Russ and I'm new here as my wife Laurie died suddenly on March 12, 2013. How do you move forward after this. Now that the shock and numbness have worn off I think I'm worse now then I was a month ago. I can't stop thinking of her and crying as I realize this is all real and she's gone forever. All of our plans and dreams - gone. We were married for 29 years and we were close to retiring and enjoying our golden years together. What now. Everyone says one day at a time, but each day seems just as bad or worse then the day before.
By coming to DS W/Ws and reading the Discussions Posts, you will find some comfort...just knowing that you are not alone, we are all in the same boat together.
Maybe it does sound like the "same old message" after a while, but try to take one hour at a time. Find a local support group where you can meet other widowed folks maybe? Reach out to others, and share your feelings with our group right here...we do understand. Take care,
Blessings and hugs,
Nancy
My husband died February 5. I joined a support group that was offered through a Hospice and it is free and you do not have to have used their services in order to join. It has helped and coming here has helped. Both have given me a safe outlet to cry and grieve. I think if I did not do this everything would bottle up in me and then eventually explode. What I get from my group and the posts here is that over time the grief is not as overwhelming as it is now. Of course that knowledge really doesn't ease todays pain. What has helped me besides group and here is to allow myself time to cry and then after a while I distract myself with music or a book or talk to a friend then I go back and have another cry. I believe I have to try to live life the very best way I can as that is the best way I can honor the love my husband gave me. Russ, take care of yourself and keep coming back. We are all here for each other. *HUG*
I am sorry you have to go through this, with us. But glad you joined us. Everyone is helpful here, And know YOU ARE NOT ALONE....WE ARE HERE WITH YOU, and we have felt what you are feeling, and we DO understand. Make peace with yourself.
Take care of yourself. This is the hardest thing you will ever have to do..((((((hugs)))))
I have managed to be walking the same road for six years this June. The sun shines here. I see beauty around me and even laugh and feel happy, but the road I walk is the same as yours. I am just further along. Sharon
My shock wore off at 4 months out, I knew it because I began to scream -
Numbness came & went -
First on the list is to grieve, grieve, grieve, grieve & grieve some more -
Grief is a process with no set duration -
It will be with you no matter where you go or what you do -
It is your companion for however long it takes -
We are hardwired to grief, at the same time, the body is hardwired to heal itself of grief -
Crying is healing; it releases toxins as well as stress, anxiety & many others emotions that if not processed out can create additional physical, emotional & mental issues -
The mind is healed by doing grief work; these are the freewil choices you make for healing -
Human beings are repetitive; they will repeat the good or bad to cope with a situation -
Sometimes, its better to teach ourself new coping skills especially with grief due to unfamiliarity & the fears we take on -
I've always had faith but I came to find it was being tested by the death of my husband; killed by a road rage driver at the age of 49 -
I re-new my beliefs; doing it on a daily basis saved me -
Not that it matters that we were together 28 years, we were cathected mind, body & soul -
That in itself is alot to work with to come to terms with -
Its true, one day at a time is one of the best things you can do in caring for yourself -
Please read, "Is it normal...yes" by missmyhero -
*Be kind, loving & forgiving of yourself everyday of your life*
run from it by not accepting it will be with you no matter where you go or what you do -
One must learn to cope with it day after day after day -
Grief is a process with no set duration -
I've heard it takes 5-8 years; for me it was 4 years -
I've also been told it takes 3 years to gain balance; I can attest to this one -
Please be sure to read the post '"Is it normal...yes" by missmyhero -
My energy is next to non existent, but the heaviness is lifting (most days) ever so slightly. I feel improvement, even if it's way too slow. Everyone has told me that it takes at least a year; a notion I rejected. I don't want to not feel good for a year, and then I thought about it. It takes a year to cycle through all the birthdays, the anniversaries, the holidays and the seasons...for the first time alone. It's going to take what it's going to take.
I have found some things that help. Talking to a calm and gentle friend especially one who has lost a spouse. They can be very patient and giving of their time. Grief counseling contributes, of course. Permitting the tears to come...
I'm also working on a project. I'm creating a memory & inspiration wall of family member protraits of my elders, including my husband. Out of 9 people, 8 had survived a catastrophic loss (parent at a very young age, child or a spouse). 5 were widowed (including my husband) and 2 were widowed twice. All went on to have happy and satisfying lives. It's my "If they can do it, I can do it, and they would expect no less of me" wall. It also helps me feel there prescence to comfort and guide me. Consider looking at your own family tree for inspiration and comfort. It just might be there. Just an idea.
And come here for support often. So many others here know how you feel. Then when you get over the initial shock of talking to a computer screen and feeling like the people aren't real because you are not talking face to face...you realize that there are other real people going through exactly the same thing. Hold on....ok...it's going to be one HELLof a roller coaster ride! But you are not alone.....
Big (((((hugs))))) to you as you put one foot in front of the other.
-Diana
I am so sorry for your loss of your wife. I hear you and you are right. I think most of us feel worse after the numbness wears off & we realize that it't real. That our loved ones are not coming back. At least that is how it was for me. I do promise you though that it will get better, it will take time, but it will slowly happen. In June it will 1 yr that my husband has been gone. I still miss him & still cry sometimes, but I am able to remember him & our life together & smile at the memories. It's not so painful now. This life is not of my choosing and I would go back in a minute if there was a way, but there is not, so I go on. I put one foot in front of the other and and take each day as it comes. I do not think to far ahead anymore because our plans & dreams will never be. I try & spend lots of time with my grown children & grandson. They are a Godsend and I could not make it without them. I still spend time with my husband's parents. I am lucky to have family & friends around me. They will never take the place of my husband. He left a hole in my heart that can never be filled, but he would not want me to be sad & miserable from now on. He told me so before he left me.
So take care of yourself. Grieve, cry and take your time. Rest, eat and be sad. That's your right and it is sad that we all lost our husband or wife. We were all supposed to grow old together. We're not meant to be alone.
Come here and there will always be someone who understands what you are going through.
My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Sorry for your loss. I lost my partner suddenly on April 1st. he died suddenlyheart atatck. I know how you feel. It is horrible. the pain can not be described. I keep looking for him.
I wish i had more faith. I think would help a little. if I knew someday we would reconnect either spirtually thru souls whatever . The thought of never ever connecting with him is to much to bear. I waited too long for him we were over 4o when we met. he was only 55. plans dreams gone