Mel - the questions you asked in your post are all valid. But - the answers aren't always immediately there. I remember venting at my therapist at your time frame, and he simply said to me - have you ever been a widow before? No? Then how do you know how to "act?". Mel, there's no manual. There's just getting through, the best way each one of us can do. Minute by minute, if necessary. Diane said it well - just give yourself a break.

"This is first time I've felt truly broken. Maybe because I can't control something and I'm tired"

[[[HUGS MEL]]]

Like everyone else, no one has power/control over grief ~
We are hardwired for it & also to survive it ~

Just an FYI, I've shared my best shortcuts in my replies so may want to read them to see if anything is possibility to try ~

Unfortunately, there is no cure for grief; it cannot be healed intellectually nor can it be healed by trying to continue living one's old life or quantum leaping into a new one ~
To earn all that you want, grief has to incorporated & prioritized ~
Grief is less harsh when it is monitored & released often to avoid ninja attacks & grief decisions ~
Try to stay on top of your grief ~
Try out techniques that calm your fears (chanting, breathing exercises, head between knees, etc) ~
If you suddenly find you've been internalizing for days & can feel a pit in your stomach telling you a big jag is coming refer to the techniques/coping skills you have practiced ~
I hope this will help as you make the adjustment ~

Thanks. Ninja attack is what it was. I don't ever feel it coming. It's sneaky. It pounces and takes hold for who knows how long.? I will try those techniques. I'm trying to live with it. I have been living with it. Even embracing it. It's stupid things that come up. Sneaky, like I said. How can I tell when it's coming?

Hello mel40. Your husband just died in March, you are just now at 3 months and you are expecting WAY TOO much from yourself. It might be a good idea to drop some of the obligations you have, give yourself the right to step back and slow down. You have a whole lot to get your mind around right now. I will bet that taking care of three children demands your time and you now do not have that other 1/2 we all had to depend on to fix this, or do that, it is now only us for it all. I was an absolute mess still at 3 months and I am just now getting close to nine months. If you think you need something for anxiety, talk to your doctor. You may also find that there is a Grief Support group somewhere or just a therapist. I was lucky that I had a therapist from years ago that I could immediately go to when my husband died. The Rings??? I do not think you should be worrying about your rings, I think I plan on wearing mine for the rest of my life. They are still part of my new life. AND CRY, like everyone says her, cry, cry, cry, it is part of your moving through the pain. ((hugs)) to you. Vicki

The rings are off. I've come to terms with that aspect of my life. It sucks, but it is what it is. I have no right to that claim. Reality prevails. My greatest struggle has been with the loneliness. I have not been honest with that until today. Making the transition from married to single has been a metamorphosis for me. Painful change. A lot of internal conflicts that I could not identify. I found the source amidst all the pain today and again, I'm stable and feeling more solid. I don't like it, but I understand it. I'm not who I would have chosen to be, but I am who I am. That gives me some comfort. I SO appreciate the support here along with the advice. I will incorporate meditation into my daily life now and see if that doesn't help some. I don't want pills. I don't want a shrink. I have God, I have friends and I'm a licensed counselor ( we make the worst patients). Thank you again.

Mel40,
I do agree you are a sweet person to give your advice when people are at there lowest. You do have strength in you to do what you have to do. You have to be strong for your children. Write things down I admit at 42 I forget alot of things. I move on slowly I get out of bed and take care of my dogs and cats. Yeah, I did somethings real soon like turn off my husbands cell phones and surrender his car. Those things were bills so I had to stop those. I think you should go to every church meeting you can this way you know you are doing good for yourself and you can feel close to the lord. Show your children that you are a strong woman and that their mother can get though anything it is hard but you need to be strong.

I think you are doing what you are doing now here writing your thoughts and feelings.

THis is just one of the steps to help you go forward with little more comfort than just before...I hope.

It sucks I know but keep writing and getting those thoughts and feelings out....I hate telling people to keep busy .....find things when you are really down that makes you feel some little beat of sunshine...but those little steps do help...

Hugs from PNW