I truly hope this helps. I lost both of my parents when I was in my early twenties. The grief was horrible, but the grief I've experienced since losing my wife is much, much worse. It seems to me that you need to get a handle on your own grief before you can help anyone else with theirs. Reassure your children, of course, be there for them, but your grief in my opinion should be your first priority. You can't really help anyone else if you are in emotional turmoil. Be kind to yourself, and take care of your needs, and eventually you can be the steadying force that you want to be for your children. I pray that God will give you strength and comfort. And I hope this helps. Hugs!!!!!

Many members here have said that grief counseling helped their family. If a church in your area, or a hospice agency offers this service, check into it. You don't have to participate in hospice to attend their grief support group, and I think churches open these sessions to anyone. There are also private grief counselors who work with families on a personal level. It is so early in your "grief journey" that it's hard for any of you to help each other. I know all of you are hurting and hope that you can find a place to express your grief and be re-assured. Meanwhile, you have the understanding and compassion of DS members.
Wishing you peace - Doye

I am sorry for your loss. I have two sons, and they were 19 and 23 when my husband died, they witnessed his death, and the craziness of trying to save him (CPR, paramedics, etc.). My younger son was in his senior year in high school, both of my boys are on the autism spectrum. My husband, their father, was their best friend, mentor, protector, you-name-it. His death hit them so very hard.

My older son thought he was now supposed to be the "man of the family" - a role he was completely unprepared for. My younger son had been told he needed to "be strong" - which unfortunately was not a good thing to tell a literal thinker with autism. Grieving in our household was extremely complicated. These are the things that worked for us:

I got counseling, and also got my elder son counseling through the Employee Assistance Program through my work. That was a huge help for both of us. We needed a separate safe place to express what we were going through - our fears, our pain, our anger at the situation.

My younger son received counseling at school through his guidance counselor and the school psychologist. They worked with his teachers so that his teachers all knew what he was going through and what was likely to happen. This was crucial. He wound up getting a lot of support at school, which he needed, and at one point when the anger stage of grief hit and he lost his temper with one of his teachers, she understood it was the grief, not her, and they worked through it instead of him getting disciplined harshly.

I should note that the counseling we all received in this fashion was free. I don't know what you have access to for your boys, but your daughter at least should be able to get some help at school.

It was difficult balancing openly grieving with reassuring them that I was okay, that they would not lose me, that we would survive, that their Dad loved them - yeah, we had problems on that front, too - as well as me suddenly having to deal with being a single parent for the first time. I assured them that grieving and crying was not a sign of weakness, that it was okay to cry, and even okay to be mad that we were stuck in this position.

Do you have any family members that the kids trust? I got some relief from a sister that lived nearby. The kids needed to know that a lot of the structure of their lives was still intact. Having a relative and friends helping out was beneficial on that front.

As far as your husband's things, you might want to wait a little while on that. What I did was I put all of Cliff's personal effects into a special box for safekeeping until the 3 of us would be able to cope with going through it. Seeing Cliff's things everywhere was hard on my guys and on me, too. This was a way of keeping his memory safe without sort of rubbing our noses in the loss at the same time. Besides, when you've been with someone for decades, you really can't just get rid of every trace of them, it is not practical. And you will all have moments of remembering him in different places doing different things around the house. It is inevitable. In the beginning, those memories will make you cry. Later they will be a comfort to you.

My sons and I grew closer through our grief. There were good days and bad days. We survived it, and we rebuilt our lives. You will, too. It won't seem that way for a long time, but you will. Honest. Don't give up.

I am sorry you needed to be here, but glad you found us.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I was 17 when my mom died and my son and daughter were in college when their dad died. It's hard to see your kids hurting and missing their dad on top of dealing with your own grief and being the only parent left to support them emotionally. It's normal for them to worry about you. Someone told us that parents are the bookends of your life. When one bookend is gone it makes a big difference. My son still calls me pretty much every day to check in and see how things are going. My daughter graduated and is living at home now.
If you have a strong faith, praying together helps us. Be honest with them and say that you are doing the best that you can and that you want to be there for them. You are modeling for them how to handle grief in their lives when they are faced with it in the future. All of you will have good days and some not so good. Just try to be there for each other.
They might like to have a flannel shirt or a t-shirt to sleep in. They will probably handle their loss differently. Personally I think that photo albums, family pictures, and personal things help to keep their dad in their memory and help them to sort things out. in their minds. They may want some different things of his when they get older than they might want now. You will be an important part of sharing stories with future grandchildren and photos will help with that.
Maybe your daughter could write about her grief and what she might regret. Then you could have a bonfire, talk about memories that you are thankful for, and she could burn it to help her let go of those feelings and focus on better ones.
Your loss is so recent. It will take time to work through everything, to grieve, and to begin to move forward in your lives without your husband and their father. Getting into a support group would be helpful. I don't know if you have close extended family nearby or not but that might be really helpful for the kids and give them someone else to share with. They probably won't want to make you feel "worse" so they may keep things to themselves and having other people to share with could be helpful.

my daughter was in college and went to counseling there but still now she does as well.........its all so new and so present and confusing to you and I pray you all with hold eachother up each day as you continue to be present in this life

Wow. You are all so right and just confirmed what I already knew. My grief is different than my kids and they will be ok. I've offered counseling and given them the phone numbers and access to counselors, but I'm not pushing. They get to choose if and when they want it.
Thank you so much for the advice. It was all very good.
My father died last July from colon cancer and the grief was very different. I can understand that and I can also understand that I need to take care of myself and my best intentions with trying to help them can actually interfere with them doing exactly what they need to do to grieve.
My daughter has taken Mike's wedding band. But the boys want nothing right now. I will wait. This stuff has been with me for 24 years. I'm used to it and I'm in no hurry to get rid of anything. They will know when they are ready and they can talk to me. We are getting thru this with faith. There is no other way.

My son is coming to visit. It's been over 6 months since his mother died and I'm not sure how being here will affect him. He was the one with her when she died and she died in dining room in the house. My daughter had a few friends over and they ate in the dining room as I said some new energy needs to flow through there. I held a meeting in there also. So I'm sure my son is going to have a reaction when he gets here. Also, I've sent some of her things away but have plenty more for him to choose from.

Let them do what they like for you. It's their way to grieve the loss of their father. My sons were 13, 10, and 5 years old when their father died suddenly.

No relationship is perfect, there are all kinds of disagreements...it's called *being an individual* and thinking our own ways. It's healthy!

All the ideas that everyone said is really good here, when you're ready. Don't rush the process, no one is doing it wrong. It's one of those situations that you just find your own way in...kinda like parenting before all the "experts".

I am so sorry for your loss. And I commend you on your concern for your kids. I believe the best thing you can do for them is to be open with your grief. I don't mean just let them see you crying and carrying on and saying the world has come to an end. But rather, when you are crying talk to them about it. Let them know it is healthy, and that you will survive this, and so will they.

Grief counselihng will help, but lets face it. They will take your lead. So show them that it is okay for you to express your grief, your regret, your anger, your fear, your joy and your laughter. Talk to your 14 yearold about her thoughts and feelings. Try to talk to her about being a teenager. For her it is a mix of normal teenage stuff and the loss of the most important man in her life. Your 19 yearold is afaid of lossing you too. Let him know your fears, somehow the more a fear is verbilized, the less power it has on us.

So I guess the advice I am giving you is to talk to your kids and be as open with them about your feelings as you can. Two or 3 weeks is way early in this. Give yourself some time to learn how to take a breath again.Try to put off any decision that doesn't need to be made right away. This can't be fixed, you and your kids will learn how to walk again.

Paula

Your adult child can choose for themselves, however, since grief is still raw & foreign to all four of you, providing information on where to seek help was a good choice -

As for your 14 year old, you may want to take her to grief counseling -

She is still young enough that you need to monitor her grief for any signs of struggle -

Hope this helps -