Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members
19,465 Posts
1 Online
Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

How do I go on

patty6953
patty6953
How do I begin? I met my husband David on August 11th, 2004 it was August 12th, 2004 for him. I was living in Portland, Oregon, sharing a place with my first husband. We'd realized after 14years we were just friends and decided to keep that and share the place. It was cheaper for us and we still got the benefits of being married. I'd gotten into a Yahoo chat group for those in their 30's. Back then if you are familiar with hopping around room to room tagged to someone you'll understand what I'm talking about. I'd done this with people I called friends got kicked out and came back in. Unfortunately, I had a bunch of IM's with people asking for Cyber Sex crap. David didn't! He'd just asked how I was doing? We talked all night long. From that day forward until Oct 13, 2004, we talked every day. I got on a Greyhound bound for Missouri to meet a guy that I thought was cool. Several of us did. However, he wanted more than I could give him. A woman I'd met in the same group lived in Chicago and came to my rescue. We'd actually been born in the same small fishing town on the coast of Oregon. My husband David came to Chicago with his step-son from his first marriage. He was married at the time we met and it was not a good marriage. That was Nov, 20th 2004. On Nov. 27th, 2004 I came to live with him in Defiance, OH. We live about 12 miles outside of town and had taken over a house that was partially finished. We were married on August 12th, 2007. My husband passed on Nov 14, 2015. Our house is not done, and I'm not sure what to do with my life now without him. He'd had a heart attack in our car on the way to help a friend move. I drove like a banshee the 5 miles to the hospital and screamed for help. Then preformed CPR and I'm trained to do. But, they could not bring him back. My world turned upside down. His family has been a blessing and my four best friends have also. I'm staying with one of best friends until I can figure out what I'm going to do. The house I can't stay at because it's just too hard. However, I feel guilty because my children are there without me. 16 cats! LOL! I know they are okay as I've been there a few times to feed them and take care of them. My sister-in-law has gone over when I didn't want or couldn't drive the hour there. My husband had just retired in July of this year. I'm 46 and he was 62 with no real health problems. His viewing service was Thursday the 19th and I picked up his ashes on Saturday. Yesterday was very hard. I started to look for a new place to live. Because I know I can't complete the dream we had on my own. But, nothing seems acceptable. But, I need to find a place so I can be with our kids. But being alone is something I haven't done in over 25 years. I know I'm probably moving too fast. But at the same time I feel if I do not I fall into a black void and not come back. Which, a part of me seriously wants to do. I'm so angry, not at him, but at whoever took him away from. I'm not a religious person and I'm tired of hearing I'm sorry you'll be fine. I've tried to find a online chat support group and came across this site. I'm not sure if this will help or not but I do know talking about it does. I have a background in Criminal Psych and I'm a care giver. Just confused, lonely, ANGRY and sad. I knew because of our age difference this day would come. But, I never thought in a million years it would be now. Especially, since he was so full of life and wanting to help others. He loved to croqoche, work with his hands, computers, loved animals and was always there for anyone that needed him. He didn't have a discriminate bone in his body. I'm lost and trying to find my way. I know this sounds bad but the good thing about him passing now instead of the first of the year as his life insurance through work is valid until the end of the year. So financially I'll be good. I get his pension and I do work 3/4 time. But that will take a few weeks. But, I'd give it all up and sell my soul to have him back with me. I'm hoping to find clarity in all of this and try to find some sense of reason but I can't at this time. I hope this makes some kidn of snse because honestly I do not know if it does or not. Thank you for letting me post this and could really use someone to talk too that has been through this myself.
Patty
ptorres
ptorres
Patty, I am so sorry for the loss of you beloved husband. My wife of 20 years passed away on Feb 13th of this year. She was not only my wife she was my life. This group has been my life line when I thought I was losing my mind. Just know you are not alone in what you are going through and there are many people here at different stages in our grief that can offer comfort and insight. There are no magic words I can offer in these early days and months but like you said it does help to talk about it and you can come here anytime you need a friend. Take care of yourself. ~Pete
joannklingaman
joannklingaman
Hi Patty..... I know you are hurting. It is so hard. I went to the dentist today & since I moved I had to find a new one. He was very kind & when he asked why I moved from Reno to here, I started to cry. And even though it's been 17months, doesn't mean it hurts any less.

Like you I would give up everything I have to have Larry back, but I can't. There just isn't any easy answers whether they have been gone 1month or years.... I just talk to him everyday & being on this site has helped me more than I could ever imagine...

Take care JoAnn
deleted_user
deleted_user
Patty, the range of emotions are all part of the grieving process. Allow yourself the time to heal before you make big moves or decisions.

You sound like you have a plan. Try to stay as close to your plan has you can, to give yourself some stability.

I wish you peace at this time,
Roz
patty6953
patty6953
Thanks! I do really appreciate it! I vent daily on my FB page. I've always talked about everything Dave and I do on there with our friends and family. My list is small as I'm not one to add just anyone there. So i know the folks know and do care about us. It's just damn unfair and I'm stronger today. Since I had to open another bank account so I can close our joint one up later next month. I'm going back to work Thursday night after spending Thanksgiving with his family. Which, have been a gift in itself. His two sister's have been with me every step of the way. My girlfriends have also been there with me every step of the way. Melanie my bestie has even allowed me to stay with her since that dreadful day. Her son, who Dave and I called our own has given up his bed for me to crash in. I saw an attorney today to ask about my options and what I should do so I got a clear picture there. By girlfriend also stated I needed to start working my way back into my routine and I do agree with her. I know I'm strong but at the same time I haven't been on my own in over 26 years. I lived for maybe six months on my own and then got a roommate. He was a good friend and then moved out. Another friend of mine had a buddy that needed a place to stay and so he moved in. We then got married a year later LOL! We were married for 16 years, but the last two we were just roommates as the marriage was over but we became good friends. Then met my soul-mate and you know the rest of the story. I'm tired of this knot in my stomach, I'm tired of being scared and unsure of the future and scared to be on my own. I know I got our kids - furballs. But, still it's not the same as having my husband withe me. I know it's been only a week since his heart attack. It just seems all so damn bloody unfair. But, at the same time I'm grateful if he had to leave me - he didn't suffer. I'm a big religious person and so being angry at him is the way I've been - a part of me is angry with my husband he'd promised me a 100 years. I know realistically that is not possible. I also knew since the age difference between us we wouldn't have many years together but I'd hoped and prayed since he was in such good health that we'd have at least another ten or more. He was and is the best of us and has made me a better person than I was. I wish there was a switch I could just turn things off with. But, I know that I can't do.
erisedx
erisedx
Hi Patty,
I am so sorry for your loss, you have come to the right group for support and hugs from those who truly know how you feel. And Im sorry we had to meet this way. I am only a few months ahead of you on this path.
I was 45 and my husband had just turned 61 when he died suddenly of a heart attack in April, just 6 weeks after we had moved from the US to Ecuador. Next week would have been our 24th anniversary and I have been with him for nearly my entire adult life. My husband always worried that Id be a young widow, and I truly never thought I would be. He was in good health, and like you, I expected to have at least another 10 plus years together in spite of the age difference.
He was always playing his musical instruments or talking on the ham radio with people all over the world. One of the hardest things to do is to walk back into that quiet, empty house. Believe me, I know. All of us here know how hard it is to be home without our most special one.
Its good advice to not make major changes early on. This is an emotionally exhausting time and you need what little energy you have for yourself, to do as little or as much as is necessary to make it through the day, or just the hour. Im still asking the question how do I go on and I dont have the best answer. All I know is time does go by and you do trudge forward, little by little. Its not fun and its not easy but you do have supportive friends here in this group.
Jennifer
wendimac
wendimac
I'm so sorry for your loss...I was 44 when my husband and partner of nearly 22 years passed away at 59 from liver failure in March of this year...I really don't know how we go on, just that we do... I miss him every day, every minute of my life..I try to take it one day at a time...that's all we can do...again, I'm so sorry...
rebl3157
rebl3157
So sorry you had to join us here. This site is awesome. I don't know what I would do without it. The age difference doesn't matter, my husband was 10 years younger than me. Our days are numbered, and we have no say in the matter. Strange how our whole world's change in the blink of the eye
Rachel
ruth999
ruth999
My heart breaks for you. My husband died on 9/30/15 and I can tell you firsthand that it sucks! There is no way to whitewash it. The good news is this group is here for you any time you need to vent. Nobody could possibly understand unless they have experienced it themselves.
patty6953
patty6953
Sorry I haven't posted in the past few days. My GF's internet was down on Tuesday, Wed I kept busy seeing my doctor got Bronchitis again earlier than normal this year, plus errends and spent time at the house. GF suggested Tuesday that I needed to try and spend a night there or I'd never be able too. I knew what she was saying was right. It wasn't fair to our cats since they had no clue why myself or others were coming in and I was only there a few times a week and Daddy hasn't come home. My stomach is turning just thinking of it. I've lost 30lbs in two weeks. Thanksgiving was seriously rough. I drove for the first time to my sister-in-laws house. My husbands sister and everyone was there. We were all laughing and have a good time. I had to go outside and have a smoke and cry because it felt right and wrong. I felt guilt and I was angry at them all because they were not torn apart like me. I left a few hours later and decided to drive home and spent time for the first time at the house alone with the kids for a couple of hours before I went back to work for the first time. On my way there I thought for a few split seconds wrapping my car around a post. But, heard a voice in my head 'Don't do it wench!' So pulled over and cried for awhile. Got home and fed the furballs cleaned up our room a bit and then watched some shows. I asked a couple of the furballs what we should do. Move and they just looked at him curiously or stay and they gave me kisses. So I'm not going to make any plans. I'm going to go over there after work tonight for the first time and spend the night. Friends are coming over tomorrow after afternoon to help me wrap the pipes and seal up around the house since it's only partially finished. I think I'll be good tonight but if not I know I can come back and cry and yell and scream and everything else we all do. I am going to see a shrink on the 7th. So hopefully the shrink seeing the shrink will help!
carrie415
carrie415
Patty, it has been almost eight months and I have no clue what I did for the first three months, but it was a blur. The second six months I slowly came out of my fog, but did a lot of whimpering. I am starting my next three months and I am finally coming to terms, finding myself and treating myself with kindness. Like you, I had 25+ years with the most generous, sensitive loving man that could be found. It was hard for me to navigate my way to where I amHang in there, be good to yourself and time will be your friend.You will never forget, but you will settle into your new normal,,,I promise you.
patty6953
patty6953
Thanks! I went back to work for the first time Thursday night and worked till 9pm Friday night. I had to take a nerve pill because I kept get anxiety issues when thinking of going back to the house for the first time to sleep there. Fed the kids, cleaned up a bit, shut the main lights out and curled up with the furballs and watched a show. GF texted to ask how I was doing and if I wanted to talk. Said I was okay and passed out around 11pm. Woke up a few times but mostly because our bed sucks. LOL! We'd planned to get a new one yesterday during the black Friday. But, I couldn't even go out. Since, I'd planned to switch shifts with a coworker I just worked a double instead. Curled up with our kids and passed out. Woke up with a migraine with vertigo which sucks. Nearly asked Dave to get me my patch but realized he wasn't there. I didn't break just felt numb. Got up fed the kids and curled back up and watched some shows. Buddy came over with a buddy of his. They put plastic around all the windows and covered all my pipes. Since, I've decided to stay the winter there at least. This way i might not freeze in our not done house. Looking at one house but even if I decide to buy it with his Life Insurance and have us move. I won't do it until the first of the year. Since, winter is coming. Then of course people are living there so wouldn't want them to move out until Spring. It's only a 2 bedroom and want at least 3 so I could have another built on and an attached garage. But, taking it one day at a time. Staying there on days I work isn't going to be too hard. But, my days off - I'm going to be bugging my friends and family. Spending a few hours there awake I can probably handle but spending a hole day alone and that. Is just too much right now. Plus, it will give me time to decide if I want to say there or move us. It's a lot for me to do and not sure I can do it all. Or if I'm better off finding another place to live or finding someone who'd be willing to rent to me with all my cats! But, thanks so much for the support peeps it really helps. I do have an appointment with a Shrink on the 7th and so hopefully that will help me wrap my brain around all of this. Just so damn bloody angry at the man with the plan.