That is such a good question. I am so glad you are asking because most people do the wrong thing or nothing. To help the fiancee and my condolences are with you all continue to call and visit long after the phone calls have stopped and people have gone back to their daily routine. That is when folks who have lost their spouse, fiancee, partner, special friend start to feel the most lonly. I am so sorry she never got to chance to marry. So sad. My prayers are with you all.

Be there for her. Help her clean house or run errands. Make sure she has someone to go with her to the funeral home, help to pick out clothes be there for her to have a sounding board. She must be in such a state of shock that she is on auto pilot. When the last car leaves after the funeral and the dust is starting to settle..be there for her. The strength she is showing will run out. It isn't truly strength as much as it is horror and disbelief as from the sound of your post this was an unexpected death. Tell her about this site, it is extremely helpful, most of us here would have gone off the deep end if not for the comfort and support here...and thank you for being there for her..

I have found, that after the loss of my husband, almost a year ago, that the people who offered help, stopped calling. I would suggest that after the funeral, you keep in touch. Invite her over for a weekly dinner...make it a standing committment that every Wednesday, she is to have dinner with you and your family. Help her address the thank you cards for the flowers. Keep her involved in the family functions, birthdays, holiday parties and such.

I agree with what everybody has said. Rather than just making offers and waiting to be called (because you probably won't be), just pitch in and be there with her. Take her places, pick up groceries for her (she might not see any point in cooking or bother to eat well), do anything else you can think of. A standing invitation to dinner is a good thing - I cherish my friends who keep calling to check in and make sure we're still on for Friday.

Invite her for little things with you that won't be overwhelming - a movie, a shopping trip, lunch out - and don't take anything personally if she just doesn't feel like it sometimes. And don't push everything under the rug - let her talk about him all she wants and add your own happy memories of him, telling her things she might not have known about him that will interest her.

I too am so very sorry they were never able to be married. What a terrible thing.

And what a good and caring person you are to be concerned about this right away.
Hugs, Gail

If they were to be married soon, are there people who need to be called Or better called off? Florist, photographers, caterers? Ask if you can take the burden of handling some of that stuff...see if any would refund deposits or such under the circumstances... I don't know about her but I'm sure having to cancel things from what should be one of the happiest days of your life would be unbearable. Everyone feels helpless at this time, but it is an extra burden for her to have to "come up with ways you can help" the most helpful people are the ones who say.... can I do __________________ for you? It has been hard for me to ask for help but much easier to just accept what is offered. But it is important to ask permission to do anything especially the stuff mentioned above and while I wouldn't want to deal with that stuff everyone is different.

Sometimes too.... the best help is just your presence... you don't necessarily have to keep up constant chirppy chatter... sometimes when you don't know what to say... just your being there will be enough. Let her cry, scream, yell, any emotion is valid... don't tell her time will heal... she can't hear it right now... or at least I couldn't (??can't??)

Also, still include her in the family stuff... if she was apart of the family before, don't let her feel like now she isn't.

I commend you for coming and asking..... hang in there.

Christy

You are an angel sent from God, I just wanted to say that. Everyone's advice here is right on.

You are a true friend. Most people do not bother to try to find out like you have. The worst thing for me was how everybody seemed to vanish after the funeral. All the offers to be there for me and the ones that said to phone if I need anything for the most part were just faking. It hurts. People seem to just vanish into the mist so a lot of us end up not only losing our dear one but losing family members and friends as well. Don't just offer...DO. It will mean the world to her and maybe she won't feel quite as lost and alone.

I think it is wonderful that you are looking at ways to help support her!

I echo what Christine26 says... so many people stop calling a month later, but the truth is the pain for us long after the initial shock.

Something a friend of mine does that means so much to me is that she remembers every milestone and checks in on me... the day of each month that he died (25th), our anniversary, birthdays, etc. It does not take alot, just an email to say "I am thinking of you and knowing today is going to be tough" or a phone call to say hello. It is just knowing that you have someone to reach out to when you need them.

You have rec'd great advice here. She may look like she is fine, but yes she is on auto pilot. The shock and auto pilot part lasts for months sometimes. When it hits her it will feel like a big gaping wound and will at first be unbearable. This is not a step backwards. This is actually what grieving feels like. She will need to talk and talk and talk about her lost love. Please ask her questions about when they met, what did she love most about him, what does she miss the most. (Of course do this over time). Tell her what you miss and that you miss them too.

People think that if they talk about them that it will make the person feel worse. Just the opposite it true. NOT talking about them makes it feel like the rest of the world does not care and does not miss them.

6 months down the road, do not announce that it is time for them to start living again, or other ways of trying to "push along" their grief. It is a long and difficult journey that needs time to be resolved in a way that the person can move on with their life. The grief journey is so much like a roller coaster ride or waves of grief. Even when the sun comes up some days, others are so very hard and does not mean the person is back tracking.

Special days will set them back...for years... Days like Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, the date they died, other special days. It does not mean they have lost the progress they have made. It is all just part of the roller coaster ride of grief.

The best advice is to invite them over once a week, once a month or whatever...but keep doing it (for a meal together).

Never say, call me if you need anything. I had about 30 people say that to me and when you are grieving and you have a need, you cannot think of "who" to call for "what."

Thank you, thank you, thank you for caring.

Remember every time she talks, every time she cries, is a step toward moving forward. Never give her advice as she is the one feeling her feelings and moving forward and when she has an ear to listen, she will make her own choices and they then will be the right ones for her.

hugs...
-Diana

I'm so sorry to hear about your BIL.
When my husband died there were so many things I found difficult to do alone. I would have welcomed more help planning his memorial service. Also, picking up his ashes from the funeral home & going to the health board to purchase copies of his death certificate were really very hard. I could barely hold it together. Having someone at my side, just a shoulder to cry while doing these unpleasant but necessary tasks would've meant so much.
I hope this helps.
Hugs to you, Cyndi

You are so caring and thoughtful to seek advice. Everyone here has pretty much said it all. The most important thing is long after the calls and visits have stopped stay in contact with her that is when she needs you the most. Don't wait for her to ask for help find something and offer. That worked for me, I always felt like people were just being nice so I never wanted to impose and would never ask. My condelences to you and your family.

I am sorry for the loss. After losing a loved one you go in denial and function on auto pilot. Nevertheless after everyone is gone you reality starts setting in and that is when you need a friend. Talk to her, cry with her and most of all be there for her. Invite her for lunch if she does not want to go bring the food to her. Let her know that she can count on you but don't wait for her call you call her. Make her feel part of the family. If your brother-in-law was buried ask her if she would like you to accompany her to the gravesite to visit him. It is a very painful journey she has embarked and it gets harder down the road. Thank you for being so concern about her that is already a giant step you took. Let her know about this website because it has helped me so much. It is the best therapy you can get. God bless you. Linda