Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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deuzie 02/15/2016

I had made plans to join a group of friends( our daughters all played softball together since they were 7 & now they are 29) get together that we do several times a year for a mother/daughter dinner. I felt "safe" going even though my losses are so new. I lost my brother 1/31/15, my husband, Doc, 11/17/15 & my Dad 12/16/15. We were having a very pleasant table conversation even some laughs about past adventures. Well, in the middle of this one friend looks intensely at me and says, "So how are you holding up?" I was dumbstruck. I felt the tears welling up. I didn't want to do this here. How should I answer when I couldn't speak? Think fast I said to myself....but I couldn't. "I'll be fine ... eventually" I said and changed the subject. It was so very awkward. I'm not sure I'll ever be fine again. These three men were the rocks I could always count on. I am a very strong person but they were the foundation. We were all simpatico. We "got" each other. Doc and I had our ups and downs but I always knew he had my back. He was "steady rollin' as they say. No drama. Never boring. A true Renaissance man. We had lead parallel lives before we met. We had both been married twice before. First to alcoholics, second to habitual cheaters. We were disillusioned with love and our poor choices and scared to take the plunge again. But it all worked out till 21 years later when he left me in the most permanent way possible. So how am I holding up Jackie???? By a thread...a very weak and frayed thread and no. I'm sorry I lied to you because I'll never be FINE again. Not now, not next month not next year.... not ever.
So grateful to have this place to come to and vent what is in my heart with people who understand. To say the things I can't say to anyone else. Thank you.

myboots 02/15/2016

Went to a wedding yesterday, first big social event i attended in a year where many friends and previous co-workers were all together.
I wish I had a dollar for the number of times I heard

" you are looking great" - tthey must hve forgotten what i looked like before this all happened.. i still have bags under my eyes and am down 20lbs...
"How are you doing , have you starting to feel better now" - I just knew that all they wanted to hear was how I good I must be dong after a year, nobody wants to really hear the truth.. funny how some cant even really look you in the eye anymore...

Next came the isolation, nobody really wanted to talk to me ( and i mean friends too...) because they dont want to have deal with the truth of how I feel, we seem to be in a group of our own now..

left early.. luv my cat...

cliffskat 02/15/2016

I was about the same time frame as you are - Cliff died on Veterans Day - and the first post-holidays function I went to was an office birthday gathering about this time. I had dropped about 20 pounds because my grief was so deep and so raw. The resident bimbo comes up to me and says 'you've lost a lot of weight - what diet are you on? how much have you lost?' Needless to say, the ladies standing with me ushered the bimbo away quickly before I did something rash. What should I have done? Said something like, "It's the Widow's Diet - I've lost 235 pounds - his name was Cliff"?

A widower friend here once told me what he used: he would say that he was "F.I.N.E." - which stands for F**ked up (or Freaked out if you prefer), Insecure, Neurotic, and Exhausted. There were a lot of people I said "I am F.I.N.E." to, I had no desire to share my pain everywhere, especially some of the emotional vampires I dealt with who actually seemed to delight in the fact I was devastated. Oh yes, there are indeed those types out there, and I developed my defenses early on.

I congratulate you on having the courage to make the outing and on responding in such a civilized fashion. I know it hurt to be put on the spot, and you wind up feeling like there should be a giant "W" for widow on you or something. When I became a mother, I felt like I had joined a club I never really knew existed. When I became a widow, it was the same feeling - like my life would never be the same - ever.

My life looks nothing at all like it did before Cliff died, but it's good again. That sounds impossible right now to you, but you will be okay.

I am sorry for the loss that brought you here, but glad you found us.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

deuzie 02/15/2016

Oh Martha you are a hoot. The widows diet...F.I.N.E. my E stands for Emotional. I can't turn off the waterworks. I have one emotional vampire that darkens my door periodically but I can handle her. What is up with her? It's as though she knows I have a scab covering this huge wound and she just can't help herself from picking at it. Gross metaphor but accurate. From now on my answer will be a short and sweet "fine". They will think I am and I will know I mean F.I.N.E. Thank you, Deuzie

carrie415 02/15/2016

I am loving the "How Great You Look",,what the hell did I look like before this?? Do they think this widow shit agrees with me??,,I am hoping I was not one of those people.

myboots 02/15/2016

.......I will be using the new definition-answer of "F.I.N.E." from here on, thanks Martha!!

deleted_user 02/15/2016

They expect us to "get over it!" They don't accept that it's almost 3 years and I'm not dating yet! They don't understand why I start to tear-up when I merely talk about my Morey!

They tell me it's NOT healthy to linger in widowhood!

Just as you love your cat.....I adore my dog. He gets me. He doesn't tell me to "get out", you'll feel better!" He doesn't tell me to "stop" being so sad"! And, he has no expectations of me, other than to fill up his food and water dish! So easy!

Hang in there, we're all in this boat together.

Roz

cgriff4ever 02/15/2016

Roz, your perfect the way you are... I tear up whenever I even think or talk about sean... who cares what others thing.. I dont.. Much love, carla and girls

tim57 02/16/2016

You know it's interesting how folks respond as if they have an immunity to this. That they want go thru it. I would not wish this on any person I have ever known but if there is a marriage at least one of them will go thru this. It would seem they would want to know some tips or something on how to work thru it. This stuff is not an isolated disease it is part of life. But then again you don't know what it's like until it happens. I also have been F.I.N.E. now for six months.
Peace, Tim

tiger1962 02/16/2016

I was asked the exact same question "How are you holding up"?

"I am not". I answered

genesgirl 02/17/2016

I like the F.I.N.E too. Much shorter than my recent response that I was being as strong as I can be but not as brave as is expected of me.

deleted_user 02/17/2016

"Better than some, not as good as most!"

If it takes a village to raise a child, than it takes the world to bury one husband.

Roz

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