Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I had made plans to join a group of friends( our daughters all played softball together since they were 7 & now they are 29) get together that we do several times a year for a mother/daughter dinner. I felt "safe" going even though my losses are so new. I lost my brother 1/31/15, my husband, Doc, 11/17/15 & my Dad 12/16/15. We were having a very pleasant table conversation even some laughs about past adventures. Well, in the middle of this one friend looks intensely at me and says, "So how are you holding up?" I was dumbstruck. I felt the tears welling up. I didn't want to do this here. How should I answer when I couldn't speak? Think fast I said to myself....but I couldn't. "I'll be fine ... eventually" I said and changed the subject. It was so very awkward. I'm not sure I'll ever be fine again. These three men were the rocks I could always count on. I am a very strong person but they were the foundation. We were all simpatico. We "got" each other. Doc and I had our ups and downs but I always knew he had my back. He was "steady rollin' as they say. No drama. Never boring. A true Renaissance man. We had lead parallel lives before we met. We had both been married twice before. First to alcoholics, second to habitual cheaters. We were disillusioned with love and our poor choices and scared to take the plunge again. But it all worked out till 21 years later when he left me in the most permanent way possible. So how am I holding up Jackie???? By a thread...a very weak and frayed thread and no. I'm sorry I lied to you because I'll never be FINE again. Not now, not next month not next year.... not ever.
So grateful to have this place to come to and vent what is in my heart with people who understand. To say the things I can't say to anyone else. Thank you.
So grateful to have this place to come to and vent what is in my heart with people who understand. To say the things I can't say to anyone else. Thank you.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
I wish I had a dollar for the number of times I heard
" you are looking great" - tthey must hve forgotten what i looked like before this all happened.. i still have bags under my eyes and am down 20lbs...
"How are you doing , have you starting to feel better now" - I just knew that all they wanted to hear was how I good I must be dong after a year, nobody wants to really hear the truth.. funny how some cant even really look you in the eye anymore...
Next came the isolation, nobody really wanted to talk to me ( and i mean friends too...) because they dont want to have deal with the truth of how I feel, we seem to be in a group of our own now..
left early.. luv my cat...
A widower friend here once told me what he used: he would say that he was "F.I.N.E." - which stands for F**ked up (or Freaked out if you prefer), Insecure, Neurotic, and Exhausted. There were a lot of people I said "I am F.I.N.E." to, I had no desire to share my pain everywhere, especially some of the emotional vampires I dealt with who actually seemed to delight in the fact I was devastated. Oh yes, there are indeed those types out there, and I developed my defenses early on.
I congratulate you on having the courage to make the outing and on responding in such a civilized fashion. I know it hurt to be put on the spot, and you wind up feeling like there should be a giant "W" for widow on you or something. When I became a mother, I felt like I had joined a club I never really knew existed. When I became a widow, it was the same feeling - like my life would never be the same - ever.
My life looks nothing at all like it did before Cliff died, but it's good again. That sounds impossible right now to you, but you will be okay.
I am sorry for the loss that brought you here, but glad you found us.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
They tell me it's NOT healthy to linger in widowhood!
Just as you love your cat.....I adore my dog. He gets me. He doesn't tell me to "get out", you'll feel better!" He doesn't tell me to "stop" being so sad"! And, he has no expectations of me, other than to fill up his food and water dish! So easy!
Hang in there, we're all in this boat together.
Roz
Peace, Tim
"I am not". I answered
If it takes a village to raise a child, than it takes the world to bury one husband.
Roz