Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members

19,465 Posts

0 Online

jerseydebbie 08/21/2009

I have a lovely home in a 55+ community, one level, 2-bedroom, 2-bath. It is quiet, peaceful and have super neighbors. We had life insurance, so I am also blessed that there was enough to pay off the mortgage, allowing me to live comfortably on my salary.

My husband has been gone 3 months, and sometimes the panic hits me that I will end up hating my home. I have asked myself where I would want to go, and the answer is no where but here. I ask myself if I have my home, and the answer is no.

I guess that answers the statement why no one should make major changes the first year, because they believe that if they dump everything, it will take the pain and despair away. But it doesn't.

I already made a list of the pros and cons. I had a whole list of pros and no cons. It would be stupid for me to get rid of my home as I really don't want to, nor need to. I guess it is part of this awful process.

Anyone else go through this? I hope to not have that fear eventually, and get super comfortable living in my own house, being proud that I can be a sole, independent homeowner.

jerseydebbie 08/25/2009

Dear Esther-
I did make a good decision to stay in my home. My husband is at least proud that he provided for his wife, and kept a roof over her head. One that she does not have to worry about paying for now. The little changes have helped. And prayer helps immensely. I can't wait until the new vertical blinds are up, and my new bedding is in the master bedroom.

The mind certainly plays nasty tricks on us when we are hit hard like this. I can't imagine living anywhere else in the world other than my home. Safe, secure, and where I can find peace after a busy, bad or depressing day.

kulnana 08/25/2009

I feel the same about my home, can't imagine living anywhere else. I love it here.

I'm sure he is proud of leaving you in a good place, finanacially, which gives you the ability to stay there. He is also proud of you for making the decision and for what you have done. I believe you will be fine, just keep busy and productive. Yes, the mind has you thinking all kinds of crazy ideas. That is why it is not a good idea to make rash decisions without giving yourself the chance to think clearly.

Thank you for your answer to me and I'll be praying for the best for you...Esther

jerseydebbie 08/26/2009

I agree, Esther. I don't want to live anywhere else. There are so many +'s for me and no cons other than my husband is not here to share it with me. I can't change that, but I can pray to God to allow me the strength to make these changes without spending massive dollars and turn the home into a place of comfort, peace and serenity for me. I've been told some good advice, that whether or not he had passed, I would change things in the house anyway, for we get tired of looking at the same old thing. However, it is foolish to replace the furniture. I have to be penny wise instead of dollar foolish here.

God does answer all prayer.

lindalun 08/26/2009

I also thought about selling or rent it out to move in with my mother and sister but at the same time this is where my husband and I lived. He saw this house being built, decided on the upgrades, together we decorated this house. We shopped for the furnitures, picked the blinds, drapes and paint colors. He enjoyed living in this community and always said he felt safe. This house was his palace and he loved it and I need to keep it because it was part of him. Yes everything reminds me of him and I cry because I miss him but this is our house so I will stay here. We had plans to do some changes and I will do them gradually. I have come to understand that no matter where we go we will carry this pain with us so it does not make a difference if we stay here or go we will always miss them and the pain comes along with us. I wish you best in your decision. Hugs Linda

jerseydebbie 08/26/2009

Linda, your words are so true. I feel the same way about my home, and no, it doesn't matter where we go or what we do. The pain and anxiety remains. Sometimes the days are better and sometimes they are not.

I am making gradual changes also. They would have been done eventually, if he had been here. There is no reason for me to continue to the upgrades, and they are not expensive ones either. My (our) home needs to be a place of serenity, where I can find peace and comfort after a long day.

prtlycloudy 08/26/2009

Jerseydebbie,
You made me think once again about leaving this house of almost 3 decades! I would really miss this place, especially since we had remodeled right before my husband was diagnosed in 2007. We talked about a lot of things before he passed away, and one of them was whether I would sell or stay...of which he was in total agreement with whatever I wanted to do. I always told him it would be hard, but I would make it....as life goes on for all of us.
After reading from your post and the others,it makes me wonder if I would really be any happier in a strange town or not. For now, I am staying here in this house we remodeled together with lots of blood, sweat and tears.

deleted_user 08/27/2009

I tell myself that it is cheaper for me to live here than in an apartment that I would hate anyway. I can change the colors of the walls to my whim. I can have pets. I can park on my front yard if I want to. I don't have a person living over or under me making noise when I am trying to nap.

And yes, a good friend of mine told me not to make major changes within the first year and it really was the best advise I received. Because there are days I want to just bury my head and walk away then there are days I want to just stand in the spot he held my hand.

jerseydebbie 08/27/2009

It would be foolish for me to sell. Good feeling to not have a mortgage, and be able to live comfortably on my salary. In this world and economy, I need to be blessed for both of these things. I can't imagine living anyplace else. Bottom line is that I have to live somewhere. This is my home, this is where I find peace. This is where I am comfortable. I don't want to live anywhere else but in my home.

And, the changes I have made are good. I would be doing them whether my husband was here or not. We all get tired of seeing the same curtains, etc. all the time. This is a good thing for me, and I am blessed for it.

Join the Conversation