I have made the decision to move to be closer to family. I am really alone in my town, and I want to be closer to them now that my husband is gone.

I know I am not supposed to make any major decisions for one year, but I hate this house. The longer I am here, the more trapped I feel and I just want to sell it. You have a good point.. perhaps I think it will take the pain and despair away.. but logically I know I will still feel that pain. I just hope it will ease a bit not being in the place that he died. Like maybe it will be a distant memory instead of a daily reminder of my life gone wrong.

There are so many things I cannot do in this big house, things that he always did. It is funny, because I always thought I would die first, and I was so worried that he didn't know how to access our bank and insurance records. I never imagined I would be the one having to learn how to operate a lawn mower and know how to turn on the Gas valve.

I do want to grow into the person that can be independent and self sufficient. But to do this, I feel like I have to move. Being here feels like my life is on hold, and I am stuck in a nightmare.

Sorry, I wish I was more positive today, but this is just how I feel.

About 2 to 3 months into this I thought that I don't need this big
house. It is a half double with 4 bedrooms and is also a 2 storey.
My doctor advised me not to make any decisions for at least a year.
I was thinking the other day and it is only 6 months that I would be
crazy to sell. If it gets too much I might have to rethink.

I always felt thankful that Don and I sold our home and moved into our apartment before he was diagnosed with terminall cancer. I'm not sure what I would have done if we hadn't. I definately would have had more problems in the house with upkeep, repairs, and snow in the winter. I think I would want to sell it and move but I also remember not to do major things right away.
I definately agree with JJ888 in her case, I hope it works out for her and I think it will.
As for the rest, I think you have to make your own decisions. Just be very cautious with the market the way it is and you can't undo it once you sell your house. Sharon

Debbie - I think this is SO normal, to feel like you do. Joe didn't die at home, so I don't have those particular memories. But everywhere I looked, his presence just seemed to inhabit all the space. I can't tell you exactly when it happened, as it was over a period of months, but as I sit here today and look around, I've remade this home to reflect me. I remember trading one of my contractor customers a lox sandwich in exchange for replacing a light fixture, and my kitchen faucet. I spent 3 weeks in January painting my bathroom a golden yellow that Joe would have hated. And so on. It's like the redoing of my space reflected my slow journey into finding myself again. So I guess I'm saying that major changes don't have to be made - but minor ones seem to help a great deal, when we're ready to do them. If you're comfortable where you are, I really believe you'll become more so as you go on. And - this is not something to feel guilty over, like if you replace something of your husband's with something of yours. I felt guilty about a lot of things, but not about this. Hugs, marsha

Hi Marsha--

I have been making changes in baby steps, and they do make a difference. It doesn't need to be a major overhaul, but replacing things that you know don't need to sit there anymore, or that bother your soul. In time, our home will become a home that suits me well. This is another hurdle that to shall pass with prayer and belief in God.

Selling my home is something I can't even think about. We'd just moved cross country and bought our home here 8 months ago. And it IS paid for. I'd lose a lot of $$$ selling so quickly. It is way too big for me I know, but I really don't want to get rid of any of our furnishings either. So I think it's kind of good I'm "stuck" for a while. At least I know I won't make any rash decisions. I know though I'm going to be doing a lot of things I'd never done before, like mowing the grass and cleaning the gutters, and using power tools again. It takes me a while the first time, trying something new, but it keeps me busy and it's easier the second time around.

I think the best thing is to wait awhile, at least until we are positive we have thought it through objectively. Don't know how long that takes since we are all individuals. I think it is one of the first things that come to mind after a death, maybe because it feels so empty without them. I really want to stay put because it would be a monumental task for me to move and I don't have the necessary energy to do all that by myself. I like where I am living, but there are things I cannot do and it does get expensive when you have to pay someone. I think if at all possible, it's best to stay for awhile until you're 100% sure it's what you want and what is best for you.

We live in a very large home, the one where we raised our chldren, and it has an even larger back yard, which is home to all of my husbands beloved plants and trees and flowers. Our daughter lives here too. Many of my friends have told me to sell (at 3 months), but I am unable to leave my husband's garden, as this is where his heart, eyes and soul reside. It is the only way I can feel connected to him. When he was alive, I took no interest in this garden (another source of guilt), and knowing how much he would want it to blossom now, is what holds me together. The gardner came today and said it looked amazing. Who knew I had a green thumb! The house is big, but my monthly payment is way less than if I were to have to find an apartment, as we have been here for 25 years. I want to stay, and believe that my friends do not really understand my reasons. As they say, unless they have experienced what we have, it is difficult to relate.
lespreludes

Yes, Home is where the heart is..I continually ask myself...do I stay here or go towards my kids homes? I really want to be closer to them and their family. But, almost 30 yrs at one place is not easy to just pick up and move. I want to move, but yet don't want to leave what friends we both had, behind. Plus, what little family is left here in town as well. It is a very hard decision to make.

The 1 year mark always tests me with any decision I make anymore. Our life was our kids, so that's what basically keeps me thinking on making a move closer to them.

The lawn mowing was never a problem, but trying to change the mower height....IS! I am learning as I go on alot of mechanical things around the house.

I know the feeling of life on hold....it seems like the house is missing my husband also! Everywhere, he left a mark from renovating to building to repairing. It will be hard to leave it all behind.

Good Luck on your move.

I got up this morning and was able to think clearly for the first time in awhile. I do love my home, and it is large enough for just me. I am safe and secure here, I have no mortgage, and my neighbors/friends are wonderful. We all look out for each other for everything. Naturally I can drive and am close enough to where I want to go, including family and friends. Most of them live 15 minutes away. But I am also far enough away to have my own space. Work is also 15 minutes away too. I don't want to be anywhere else, and really hope I don't change that mindset.

I would not function well moving into something else, with strangers all around me. I also could not afford a mortgage or rent. My life is here and will become easier as time goes by. The major factor is that my husband is now here with me, and that's the adjustment. However, I feel him here, as well as my parents, for my mother lived with us, but died 3 months after we moved in.

So, I can make changes as time goes by to suit me and when I am ready. I am ready to change the old vertical blinds in the bedrooms, and may change the bedding on our bed.

All in good time and with God's guidance.

I think about selling the house, too. Having to deal with repairs is a problem. He always took care of those things. I have had to hire a pool service ever since he went into the hospital. I am always thinking of what repair will I need next? We were thinking of relocating before he went into the hospital. There are so many memeories here after 16 years. Some are bittersweet. I see him everywhere in the house. Moving will be tough there are so many things to clear out. Plus not knowing where to relocate is a problem. Sometimes I think it would easier to move someplace I have never been where there are no memories. I seem to be changing my mind each day. Two weeks ago I had to deal with blocked roof gutters that caused a leak into the ceiling. I ask myself what next. I don't need or want a house this size anymore.

I absolutely love my house and still have the kids here and there's no mortgage, so I'm staying! I have, however, made changes - new bed, bedding, etc. and plan to make more. New bath is first on the list, it was something we'd talked about forever, BUT the plan is all mine.
It's been two years for me, so I've come a long way since a contracter crawled up on my porch roof one month before my hubby passed away, told me I would need a new roof - I burst into tears. At the time it was SO overwhelming to me! He was clueless as to my reaction, I felt kinda bad about that.
I still have some things to go through and I cannot imagine living anywhere else.
AJ

Like Ameliajean, I decided to stay here. Like her, I love my home. All the upgrades I have done are all my ideas. I have made a lot of changes. It took me a longer time to get to this point, but, nevertheless, I'm here. I stay because of the memories and like her's, some are bittersweet. I wouldn't leave here for all the tea in China. My family is here every weekend, when we usually have a BBQ for some reason or another. I think I have made tremendous strides to overcome all the grief and sadness that overcame me for so long. Whatever you decide, will be right for you and if you don't do it to soon, you will not regret it. Take your time for these kind of decisions. Hugs.....Esther

Made some changes since Friday. Threw away useless things in the master bath. Bought a wicker basket for under sink, and changes items in the bath. Rearranged the living room, and spruced up my husband's recliner with new pillow and throw. Ordered new bedspread and valances, plus ordered new vertical blinds for both bedrooms. Changed the top of my husband's dresser to incorporate more of my things. It has made difference. I can't imagine living anywhere else, and yes, the pain is because he is not here. However, he would be very disappointed in me to dump a house that he made sure was paid in full through life insurance. It is also secure here, and we neighbors look out for each other. I can drive to where I want to go. I pray to God nightly that I grow up and relove my home as much as I did before he passed.

Dear Jerseydebbie, congratulations on your decision to stay in your home. That was a tough decision, but you did it. Making the changes really do help. They are your decorative ideas and it's now your home. He would be proud of the way you have made the decision to stay. When you think of it, "there's no place like home". I feel my husban is still with me and enjoying my home as much as I do.Again congratulations and lots of hugs......Eshter