Oh! Holly! What can anyone say to you that won't sound trite and meaningless?

I can only imagine what it all must feel like to you because there were "choices" that were made that you didn't have a say in. And, now you're expected to live, continue on as if what happened was circumstances that occurred to him and not brought on by him. It's overwhelming, I'm sure.

My Morey decided that he wouldn't do as his doctors suggested and continued to eat his own self-prescribed diet and NOT take necessary, life saving medication, until he was put in the hospital and was forced to do what right for him. But, by then, it really was too late. I hoped that what he had done could be reversed, somehow, and, even one of his doctors thought that he got help in time but, unfortunately, it was too late. Was his death a form of suicide? Maybe!

The feeling that our loved one's would do such negative behavior on purpose just doesn't seem possible, didn't he love me more than he hated his issues?

Please know that you are NOT alone in the struggles that you will be facing in the month's ahead. We're ALL here with you. I'm wrapping my arms around you in a big-sister hug and sending healing thoughts and love your way!

Roz

The thing is, I cant seem to be mad at him. At least not yet. It happened on a Friday evening. He had just told me that Wednesday over supper, "you're the best thing to ever happen to me". Should I have read something into that? Smh, I push anyway the what ifs and if onlys. For now I still love him so much that if he felt THAT strongly I should love him enough to know he held on as long as he could. It cannot be changed. If it could be I wouldn't be here looking for comfort. I Just Plain MISS him. I keep making myself think, this is real, this is real but it's like he's just out of town and will walk back in any evening. It hurts worse in the morning because I know it's one more day without him.

We can never know the battle that someone else is enduring...that takes place in the secret place of each person's mind/heart/soul.
He attempted gifting you somehow, by saying "you're the best thing to ever happen to me".
All I know is, you now wrestle with a grief that is shared among all of us here. The loss of a spouse whom you dearly love.
I am so sorry.
*HUGS*,
Barbara.

Holly, your attitude towards him is so lovely. You're giving him lots of leeway and even gifting him with making positive decisions before he made his last one.

I admire you for your words. And, totally understand that feeling of "he's just out shopping or fishing or walking", "he'll be right back!"

Don't be surprised if everything your feeling now changes and even changes on a dime. This grieving thing is the most bizarre of animals, it may grab you at the weirdest times and pull you into a tailspin. Allow yourself lots of latitude for whatever may come at you. You've certainly had enough surprises for now!

Try and take care of YOU!!!!

Roz

Barbara and Roz,
Thanks for helping me see I am accomplishing one of my goals. Still able to express my extreme love for my husband. I didn't know it would be like this. We were supposed to be the two old people who died holding hands in a nursing home or something. I do know God has a plan. This is part of it. Do I understand? No. I pray constantly that I can get continue to get thru this and remember the reasons why we love each other and continue to be the person he fell in love with. Do y'all still say we? I do, and it makes me chuckle sorta. I was so proud that after a long time I was a we with someone wonderful.

Holly, I still say "we".
HUGS to you.
Barb.

Good cause I don't wanna stop either :)

Me too! We were a "we" and always will be!
Roz

Hi Holly. Suicide is beyond my realm of experience, and I can't even begin to imagine what you or anyone left behind must go through. My impression about suicide in general is that it only happens when a person's mental anguish is so great and overwhelming that they lose all hope and lose the ability to think clearly. They only want to escape whatever the pain inside their minds is. Sadly, it can become a defense mechanism for survival that we sometimes never tell anyone what is really going on in our heads, even to those that love us the most. Whatever it was fpr him most likely had begun many years before he even met you. And he hurt so badly that he couldn't endure continuing to live. The grief part I get. You are in the right place. I do hope you able to continue to walk in forgiveness toward him -- and you should because he was not in his right mind when he took his own life. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. ~~ Scottie.

Holly, I know the feeling, after only married to my sweet husband not even 2 years, and then the horrific accident. I am so sorry your husband passed away. I won't pretend to know how you feel, just now that I'm feeling your sorrow. Much love and big hugs carla

Hi Holly,
I lost my wife back in August (2015). I still am going thru the same feelings right now you have described. They are normal and hoping they will tone down over time. But I still am expecting my wife to walk in after returning from a trip up north to see her family even though I know where she is. You have to just take on a day at a time. That's a big enough job for any of us right now. Take care of your self first and foremost.
Peace, Tim

Holly, I also lost my wife of 30 plus years to suicide. I have experienced many of the same feelings you describe. It has been 88 days and there has been no anger directed at her but I have had feelings of guilt. The what ifs and if onlys are slowly getting less but they do still show up every day at sometime. Like all the members here my thoughts and prayers are with you as we all journey through this tough time.

Carla, I am so sorry for your loss as well. You and I had the idea of a bright and long life with them that has now been snatched away.

Scottie, you have such a great way of putting feelings into words. It is true every word that you said. I just miss him terribly. My sons are having a hard time dealing, especially my 17 yo. I've made an appointment for him to see a dr to get him some anti-depressants for at least now. Just to help him cope.