{{{ HUGS }}}
There is probably no way to figure it out, it is all part of the grieving and growing process. Yes it does feel like losing your husband all over again and maybe it`s because you still had not been far enough along in your journey when you met this relationship. The bottom line is that we did not chose to end the relationship with our spouse so there will probably always be some unresolved feelings .

In hindsight, I didn't choose to end the relationship with my spouse but I did hope for us to end in death. (Just not at 40 yrs old.) so, I'm glad that I had what I had.
You are probably right. That it's part of the journey. I'm changing in good ways, even though I hurt inside. It's funny, early on, I wanted somebody in my life. Now, not so much. I want to be single....For me and for my healing.

Mel,

I can proselytize until the cows come home, but, in your case I'd be preaching to the choir, since you've already answered your own questions. Sounds like you're just thinking out loud - and here. Good girl! You know what to do and you're doing it. I am pat, pat, patting you on the back for being so wise and brave - realizing what's going on with your feelings and acting so responsibly on them. I'm sorry you're struggling so, but so does the butterfly when it's emerging from its cocoon, remember?

Thank you for sharing your struggles with all of us. It helps to know these things.

May you find the peace you so long for...

Hugs,

Terry

Yes, I do. As I healed the intense grief was being replaced by a sense of peace. I was able to enjoy life again, but at the same time I felt guilty. No tears, no pain. Did that mean I did not love him anymore? Certainly not, but took me some pondering to figure that out. I guess I had spent so many days in pain and sorrow that feeling any different was all new and strange to me.

It does not sound like you were ready to work on a relationship. He could possibly have been a stepping stone for you. Someone to fill the void.

Personally, I do not have any interest in getting involved with someone again. Starting over, learning each other for bad or good, having someone "try" to change you. It isn't worth it to me, plus I am still in love with my husband and will always be his wife. That's really about all I want to be in addition to an independent individual who needs not answer to anyone. Funny how a loss and grief makes us so strong.

I understand... after loving my husband so many years I feel like I never could feel close to anyone else, I could never truly move on...I would always compare another person to John and expect similar traits... probably wanting a substitute but there is no substitute.. there was only one John... that grief will always be there... you get so used to person;t reactions, habits, actions, they become a part of you and you crave them when they are gone and nobody can fill those shoes so I know I will be alone for the rest of my life. Hugs.,

At least you gave something a try. Nothing wrong with that.

Oh yes. I got involved with a man not long after my husband of 39 years died from lung cancer. ( For me the loneliness was the worst part.) Anyway, he dumped me after 10 months and I felt almost like I was grieving again. I actually had to go on antidepressants for a bit. I was absolutely obsessing. It took a few months to get my mind back again, but I did. You are doing what you need to do for you. Take care.
Dianne

I am better today. I'm more confident and sure that I made the right choice.
Thank you everybody!
I am looking forward to the future and doing the work that I need to do :)