Jeanne, you must remember and your daughter as well it that it only has been 3 months since you lost your dear husband. You have been through so much, first losing your husband and then having surgery. Your daughter is grieving as well, but maybe in a different way. She will realize that you are not doing this intentionally, it will take time. You will always have your family, and with what I know they love you and you love them and love is the strongest thing a family can have.
It is ok to feel scared as I do as well, it is a part of grieving and I don't know if I will ever stop feeling scared as Gary and I were close. Alan was the love of your life and like gary he is no longer here, but he is here in spirit. He will guide you my dear.
Your kids are having a hard time just like you and in time that will change. May god bless you and keep you. You are a very caring mother and that will never change.
Hugs Dianna

Sorry you are having such a hard time. Remember, baby steps, as time passes you will return to that stronger person that can be there for your kids. Like you I was the "dad that could fix anything" except myself apparently. My kids are not around so my fear is I slip one day and let them know how lost I feel some days. I especially don't want to put stress on my youngest son and his wife, her father passed away 3 weeks after Luise. They had just traveled home from one funeral and had to travel back for a second. So, I guess to answer your question, I am scared at times of being a burden to others. They have their own problems without worrying about dad a couple of states away. Take care of yourself (Hugs). Dave

Dear Jeanne,

I too lost a love one who left a big void in my life. However, because of friends I was able to move to forward. After loosing a loved one it seems like your world is caving in and you reach out for help, which is an act of courage. You are strong because your not trying to do things on your own. I know times seem difficult but there is help. One of the things that helped me the most was by giving to my family. Doing something, anything, 1 thing, that brings a smile to there face. Let me encourage you that joy is the strength your looking for, laughter, and then peace. Doing a little for someone else will bring happiness to you.

Jeanne,
You did not lie to her. It will take a bit of time but you will bounce back and be an even stronger person. Be patient with each other.
I lost my husband 2.5 years ago. I have learned to do so many things. I can stand on my own and be proud of myself.
God bless you
Rachel

Grieve takes not only an emotional toll but as physical one as well. Not only has it only been 3 months, but you had surgery as well. At 27 your daughter is grieving as well but needs to have a better understanding that losing your husband is a major shock to the system and that grieving in a healthy way takes time. There are some excellent books and articles today and grieving and bereavement are no longer Taboo subjects.
It does not mean that she should have to shoulder the extra things that you can't as that is not fair to her while she is also grieving the lost of her dad . Honest communication is what needs to happen.
My daughter was 19th and my son 21 when my husband passed. from the get go I told them that I did not know how they felt as I had not lost a parent and they did not know how I felt as they had not lost a spouse. I was also honest and said that I needed to be selfish and help myself if I was to come out of this and be the parent they needed me to be. They understood as best they could and I tried my best to be there for them as well. But losing your spouse changes you and it takes time to be functional again. It's not something that you can just get over in a matter of a few months but it is also not an excuse to give up and allow our children to shoulder the burden of everything important. Some things can be put on the back burner for a while and what matters can be taken care off. It's not easy , but this place can help you find your way and hopefully your daughter can also grieve in a healthier manner.

Grief effects each of us in different ways. I believe your daughter is looking for everything to be as it was. It can't be, but I understand her desire. At 19 she has avoided the loss, for now. Don't take this on you. Give her what you can and you will find your strength growing. It's important to be kind to you now.
I remember my children feeling the same emotions and just "get over it " but that option isn't possible. Hugs to you. Sharon

Thank you all for your encouragement, advice and kind words :-) Jeanne

Jeanne, your number one job now is to selfishly look after you as best you can. I can't imagine having to recover from surgery in the midst of grieving. We do tend to overstay our welcome, I know I did. It's not that we mean to be a burden to anyone, it is just the fear of lonesomeness that compels us to become dependent upon others. As time goes on, we all become faced with making due with yourself as best we can, which in the early part of our grief, ain't much there to work with. It's not your fault. It's the grief. And don't even try to play the part of supermom, you're incapable of that until you pass through this journey of grief. And you will come out of it a better, stronger person. As for your kids, no one can understand what we go through unless they too have gone through it. And not a one of us would wish this on our worst enemy. Just do the best you can focusing on yourself. ~~~ Scottie

Britta,
I also had to recover from a serious injury, and then a life-threatening illness during my first 14 months. I was in hospital for a month. Fortunately, I was cured by surgery. but having all that added on top of grief, was hell.
Unfortunately, some adult kids are unable to accept their Mom's grief.
Our loss is different from theirs.
My conclusion came down to this: if my daughter does not have it in her heart to "be with" me during so much suffering, there is nothing that anyone else can do about it. I made things worse, while being so ill that it affected me in other ways too. so I made large errors.
My daughter's grief has no desire to be shared with mine. It is exclusionary.
I think that some adult children resent the surviving parents' grief, and they let that define the relationship.
I do not know why, or if that will change.
I took responsibility for my part. Going forward together in a healthy way will require more than just my part of the work.
Take care, it takes time to recover from surgery.
hugs,
Barb.