Kate - I read your entire post and I was not going to post a reply because the best thing you can do for your children is to make the best of your situation.

And by that, I mean that you continued to be the loving and supportive parent you always were. That is the best thing you can do for your kids. Not an easy thing when you feel ( rightly ) that your family got a bad deal.

But what made me post here was to mention to you that the things that happen to our families sometimes have no correlation to how "nice and caring" you were. Honestly, from this side of heaven we just do not see how everything fits together, but it's well documented that bad things can happen to good people.

I hope you don't dwell on that too much, as there is no answer as to why. Unfortunately we must all deal with the circumstances that life has dealt to us. It is in "dealing with what life has dealt us" that builds your character. Lol, I'm sure we have all mentioned to God that he can ease up on the difficulties at any time :)

Bob

Kate I am so sorry for you and your children, I am in the same situation and I just posted a rant that describes my level of frustration this morning and when I posted it I read your post here and I wanted to just let you know you're not alone in your feelings and your situation. I have six and they just lost their Daddy two grown and four under the age of 8, baby is three. I lost my husband at 48 to brain cancer and to say the least we are reeling from his sickness, his battle during that sickness, his death and our feelings of grief and, well, in a word abandonment. I use that last word because even though that it implies Frank willingly left us which is certainly not true, it FEELS LIKE ABANDONMENT. I think once I put a voice to it, it helped me deal with it. We have a very strong church family presence in the absence of any extended blood family on my side or Frank's, and that is such a comfort for my children. We believe in Jesus, in God the Father, we are Christians, (I am not perfect, please let me say that)....but knowing where our Daddy is has offered an immeasurable amount of comfort to me and the kids. We take it one day at a time, that's the only way I can do this. I have two boys who are 6 and 3 who will never know how wonderful their father was, who will not have him teach them baseball, which was in his blood. I have four girls who won't have him there to for my 25 year old see her new baby born in October, who won't watch my 18 year old graduate from college on her way to become an oncology nurse, my 8 and 7 year old daughters won't have him here to set the bar for future relationships to define the measure of a man. We talk about him we laugh we cry and we have two words we don't say to one another in this house. "don't cry" . They are bad words, no one is allowed to say "don't cry". When someone is crying because they miss Daddy, we go to them as a family, dropping everything in the meantime no matter the importance of the task and we ask them what we can do, we sit and listen, cry with them, put our arms around them, whatever they need. We give one another permission to be whatever we are in that moment, but the key is that we walk together, we grieve differently as people, but we do it together so to speak.
It's a horrible thing what we are going through, but we go through it together and that offers all of us comfort.
Hope this helps.
Cindy

I can relate and agree completely with what Bob wrote. Just continue to be you . My son, at 23, keeps things to himself and because he moved away it is harder to see how he is doing. We talk often on the phone and I remind him that I am here for him. My daughter is a very independent 21 year old and sees me having grieve attacks more often then I feel she should especially after 18 months. I learned early on that I did not need to apologize for my break downs. We do not grieve the same but she gets it . And when she has a hard time , then it`s my turn to be strong for her. That`s all we can do , be there with open arms for each other. I try not to dwell on future events as it was breaking my heart. I like to think that on those days he will be there with us and give us strength to make it through ..

Our 23 year old daughter was married July 12 without her father but we all made it through just fine. To say it wasn't bitter sweet would be unfair but the wedding was still heart felt and lovely. Brianna included her father in pictures and many great expressions of love and appreciation. I am also holding her as well as her sister and brother close in my life and representing their father was strength, compassion , and love.

The very most important thing you can do is to talk about their father to them. I learned this from my mother when my father passed. I thought it would be hard on her if I talked about him. She explained that it was quite the opposite. And now, saidly, I know that for myself. My grown stepdaughter and her family moved in with us two months before her daddy died because her husband just got out of the military and they wanted to move close by. So I make a point of telling her little things her daddy would say if he were here - comments onTV, sports, certain ways he liked certain foods. I also tell her stories about his childhood and early adulthood that she may not know. The more I tell, the more often I can tell without crying.

I also try to be honest if I have cried all the way home, or if some trigger has made me extra sad. I don't tell it like I expect comfort, more like you just tell what happened to you that day. And I believe this allows her to open up and tell me similar things, like how it hurts her to pass by the hospital where he died on her way to church each Sunday.

All of her dad's stuff is still around. I did it for me, but I think it helps her too. Her hsuband lost his dad just two years ago, and I remember her telling about his wife getting rid of things. She said while she understood, it was hard for her to feel like all signs of him were gone.

I also try to do some of the special things he did, like sending them out for dinner on me for no reason spur of the moment, or bringing home some Cardinal's item or other little gift just for fun.

I tell some of his favorite jokes and use some of his expressions.

I know this sound very Pollyanna like - but really, representing their daddy to my step children and my daughter (who loved him dearly too) is something that gives me comfort and even sometimes joy.

I'm going through the same struggle. My daughter is 20 and grieves so differently than my son(13) or I do. My daughter did say "who will walk me down the isle"? I told her I will and Dad will be right on the other side of her in spirit. I cry a lot more than the kids do and wonder why life has to be so hard. If it's a character builder, let me tell you, we're loaded with character. Try to look for and do something good every day. God didn't do this(or anything bad) to us, but God will make something good out of tragedy if we let him.

I once read that as long as we continue to love the person we have lost, they still live in our heart. My husband's spirit still lives on, I can feel it in his workshop, when I drive his car, sitting in his chair, many places. Strange as it sounds I've had signs from him, as have my children. I understand it's hard and particularly painful to watch our kids have to deal with such a loss. Try & embrace the idea that he's still near & watching over all of you, it may bring you some comfort.

My daughter attended a group at her high school called "Rainbows" for children who have lost a close family member. Check with your school to see if they have any programs. It is usually a confidential group which will meet once a week - during different classes - but teachers are not told why students are out of class. Students are not allowed to reveal who else is in the group.

I think my daughter found it very helpful to hear from others her own age. There are also lots of support groups - although outside of the high school none of my kids would have gone for that.

I know alot of nice, caring people that have had death, disabilities and tragedies happen to them. I am one of them. My husband died suddenly while I was fighting stage 4 cancer, raising two grandchildren (ages 6 and 8) and had lost my mother a few weeks before his death. I finished my cancer treatment and dealt with several operations since he died. I never had the "why me", "lifes not fair" attitude. Gratitude is all I have felt for God is at my side. Gratitude for the many wonderful memories I have. Gratitude and humbleness for all I DO HAVE, not what I don't have. How do I deal with the pain, sorrow, lonlieness? I volunteer to help others. Nothing makes you feel better than that. Your children are adults with alot of memories of their father. Be grateful. Mine will never have memories of a father. We Appreciate what we have, and never dwell on what we don't. I do not allow "pity parties" but do allow talking about feelings with my girls. My favorite phrase to my girls "Life is Not Fair, be grateful for all God has given you"

I really struggled to decide where to post my reply. I guess I decided to post it here. I don't know how old your children are but you can't grieve for them. They must do that for themselves. You can support them, comfort them if they want, and share with them, but grief is personal. And sadly we must do it ourselves.

I believe they will be fine, as you will. You need to focus on you. It's normal for us to grieve the things that our love one will not be part of in the way we expected. Not having him here for those important events you mention are very sad and he will be absent physically.

Love and support those children you love, but let them find their own way through this time while you find yours. Sharing what's comfortable for each of you. Sharon

My youngest did not have his dad when he came into the world. My kids got a shit deal as well as with some others here.

I make the best of my situation as Bob has said.

Maggie