Have you tried getting a massage? Sometimes having therapeutic touch like a massage can help overcome some of these feelings. You could also incorporate it into a pampering spa day. It can help you regain your balance as well as make you feel a little more confident in how you deal with people (including men).

You sound very conflicted about the physical side of things, which is entirely normal. It could help you learn how to do your own "self-talk" that would be positive and affirming if you had some grief counseling. Losing a spouse is a different kind of loss of innocence - you can't un-know what you know now - that life can change in a moment, that the world is not as secure and friendly as it once seemed. Building/re-building one's confidence in oneself is part of the grieving process that we have to go through, and often entirely unwillingly! We want our old life back.

If you are coming across as desperate for touch, you may be sending a lot of mixed messages to the men you meet. One of the things that we miss the most is the comfortable, easy-going physical contact - the reassuring hugs, hand holding, the back rubs, etc. But you don't get to have those when you are first dating, and you have to be careful about the signals you are sending out about touch. Often a guy will think that what you mean is you want intimacy (sex) rather than physical affection. It can be very difficult at times, but you may be the one who needs to slow down.

You are lovable, you are a good person, and you will be loved again. Before someone else can accept you as lovable, perhaps you need to accept yourself as lovable. There is no easy formula for that. We are all so different, it is hard to say what might work for you, which is why it might be a worthwhile investment to get some counseling so that a professional can help you find the ways to build your confidence and contentment. I think once you do that, love will find you - it will act like a magnet.

What else are you doing to rebuild your social life besides the dating sites? Perhaps it is also the choice of where/how you are meeting people. You might want to check out the groups available on meetup.com in your area, or consider joining a church group, or volunteering with a charity you feel strongly about. I think that it would be healthy for you to try these alternatives for meeting people and establishing new relationships.

Many folks (not all) on dating sites are looking for sex. I think maybe you need to put aside those avenues, or get advice from the Hopeful Hearts group on better sites to try if you want to stick with the dating sites.

I hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I feel for you, it's not easy to put yourself 'out there', risking more pain. I'm 34 and am very affectionate and it's only been a month and i'm already missing human contact. Like you it's not about sex at all, I think it's intimacy, connecting on a deeper level with another person.

I shudder to think the feelings of loneliness i'm having are probably nothing compared to what your experiencing. Wish i could give you more. As i guy i think we do mistake signs of affection for a desire for sex.
I think 'Martha' knows what she's talking about.
Keep putting yourself out there but don't settle for anything less than what you deserve, a quality man :) xoxoxoxox Pete

First off let me say that Martha has conveyed in her post what I was thinking. Some very good advice and info.
At 49 I also get lonely and miss that intimate contact that comes from being in a relationship with someone yet I also understand that I am vulnerable and it would be easy to jump in to something I would be completely unprepared for just because I`m lonely. I miss a good hug . The thing is I miss his good hugs because of the emotions invested into it. My future plans include understanding who I am and coming to term with this new person before even considering that there may some else in my life. I don`t think it would be fair to anyone for me to bring so much unknown and also I think that when it`s right and meant to be , it will happen on it`s own.

I understand how you feel. It's been 3 years since my husband died. It is very lonely and I know I miss the daily hugs we had. For me, at this stage in my life I do not want to date. Some friends have suggested massage also, but that is not for me. I see my brother often and we hug but it is not the same. I really don't have any answers for you but wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings.

After my wife died it was really apparent that I did not want to spend the rest of my life alone. Finding companionship and hugs became a goal. In a small town opportunities and organizations are limited. I would have preferred to attend senior groups and activities, but that is not much of an option here. I went the internet route and met a really nice lady on a senior internet sight. I also corresponded with a lot of people who were nice but not a good match, several who were just plain weird, and a couple who were down right mean. I don't think these sites are for people who are really sensitive, it helps to have a thick skin and an open mind. Spend lots of time talking on the telephone before meeting anyone, email just does not provide the information or feeling needed. Think of dating as fun, not mate chasing, if it's not fun move on. If you choose the internet route you will have to deal with a lot of toads in order to find a prince. In person groups would sure be easier if available.

I can understand what you are saying. I was married to my wife for almost 35 years. I am 55 and I miss the closeness you are talking about. I miss the shopping together, the dinners, the road trips. I have my kids and their families close by but it is not the same. I have my guy friends but it is not the same. I like female companionship.

It sounds to me like you need to continue to look for that right person. I can't really say it any better than Martha. I will pray that you will find someone to share your life with. And you are not going crazy.

Robbie

I certainly can understand you missing the hugs and intimacy. I remember the last 6 months my wife was alive and fighting cancer she was to weak for sex. We hugged, I stroked her hair, held hands constantly etc. That type of intimacy was more powerful then sex itself. We were one on every level. She knew I loved her with all my heart and I knew how much she loved me. That oneness we experienced I carry so close to my heart. I can totally understand wanting a connection with someone else that is something I truly miss. I cant do any better than Martha's advise. I truly hope you find the right avenue that works for you. God bless. Gerald

Thanks everyone for your feedback. In the light of day, I feel much better than I did last night. I especially appreciate that you empathized with that profound loneliness that can hit us out of the blue.

Your suggestions (special thanks to Martha) are good ones. I was in grief counseling for a year, but we mostly talked about other things during that time period (rewriting your address book being a big one.)

I read a lot about the "rebuilding our life" process and journal frequently. Like your advise said, "do not make bad choices out of desperation". I am determined NOT to do that, which is why I talk to you guys to keep my head on straight.

I belong to several meet ups in Mpls, but have not joined any here in Las Vegas. ( I will only be here another month and do not have a car during the day).

As for volunteer work, it is high on my priority list. I have been actively seeking out opportunities to serve.

So, hopefully, I am on the right road and am just temporarily bumping into the curb.

Gonna call now and schedule that massage! lol, but true.

Thanks everybody. You are so helpful.

I miss the companionship...but my kids give me great hugs and kisses. I absolutely do not want another man in my life. I still fill so connected to john and I think with kids around introducing men in and out of their lives would be too stressful and might take away the image of their dad that I want them to have. when they are older and teens (right now they are 4mos and 2) I will probably date...when they are busy with their social calendars and don't need mom around all the time. which will give me many years of healing and discovering how to go about life as a single mom. My problem now is that I do want sex. My husband is the only man I have ever been with and we had a very healthy sex life. I am hoping these feelings lessen with time because there is no way I am willing to do anything with anyone...I just want john back. I have every intention on being celibate for many years.

Did anyone else have that problem and eventually it lessened?

So glad I read this today. Now I know I'm not alone. I really want a friend like you said to hold you and tell you everything will be okay. I have looked at one man who doesn't make me feel like I'm cheating on my deceased husband. But he says he isn't interested. Why does this have to be so hard?

Months ago I talked of a wingman/woman, one that is there for movies dinners and friendship, but not romantically/sexually aggressive. Trade off a dinner for fixing mower sort of thing.
I still feel this way at 20 months. Because my heart is still attached to John.

I have found one or two movie buddies, but I chose to take some classes for me. If it happens, it's never really planned, but if not? I can't say that would be totally bad. There is a high standard they need to meet. For me John was awesome, "okay" won't do it.

...and I am complicated!

Hi! I have gotten some emails about others dealing with now not having sex...and I really appreciate them! But I want to make clear that I miss having sex a lot...but I DONT want to have sex with anyone and I WONT. I just really miss having sex with my husband. You lose a lot when you lose your spouse...and sex is one of those things that you have to deal with losing too. no one should feel ashamed for saying they miss it...its a big part of marriage. thanks for the emails guys :)

After 3+ years of being alone I met a gentleman and good friend. There was no chemistry but good socialization and support. We went out for close to a year and drifted apart but it was what we both wanted and needed at the time. I was still feeling married to my husband and had no desire for more than friendship.
I met Artie a few months later on a senior site again interested in friendship. This time there was chemistry and wow did I fall in love with him. I truly believe the friendship I developed with the first guy prepared me to accept the love from someone new.
You'll hear good and bad about dates sites. Bad from those intimidated by fear and those hurt by someone. Those of us who are looking for love won't find it. Like Martha advised, you have to find yourself and ways to live for you before inviting someone else in to your life. Just my thoughts. Sharon