Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I haven't posted in a while. Things should be rolling right along by now, right? You know, making all those adjustments and such...
It isn't that way. I feel terrible; I feel sad; I feel almost hopeless...
I think I know now why I drug my feet so long on designing and buying a headstone for him. It makes it all so final. Am I supposed to feel all giddy now? I actually didn't think about how I might feel, but I did think I might feel some relief. I don't. I feel empty - and broke. Most of all, broken.
I am still looking around at the carnage of my life as a survivor. I am trying to find some purpose, but what? Where? How?
Even my step kids don't seem to share in this pain. I want to block people on my phone and email because I am in no hurry to view the monument that represents my loss, what could have been, what should have been. The unfairness of it mocks me.
All I know to do is keep busy. I will be glad when my therapy is over. The therapy room reminds me of a care facility - such a stark reminder and trigger.
Moving is the only thing I have to look forward to, and that is going to be a slow process. Right now Marie Kondo is the one benefiting, or perhaps I should say Goodwill.
I wish I knew how to embrace this widowhood curse with grace and dignity, but I feel like a leper whom few want to be close to.
My husband has no headstone yet, and it will be 4 years since he died, at the end of March. I won't go into details here. Trust me: you are walking in more strength and courage than you know. Grief & loss is blocking your view. but that is why it's called grief and loss, not "newly-married and bliss".
Big hug to you sister.