Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Someone suggested to me that I make an introduction to the group.
My name is Christopher and I am a widower. My wife died a short time ago. She was the sun that lit up my world in the morning and the warmth of every evening. Her name is (was) Kimberly. I could go on and on describing her to you and not achieve that perfect picture of her even when she was at her worse, and most authentic.
She did leave me with 3 fantastic boys, that I, as a scientist, have no guess at how to raise other than make every problem a science experiment that blows up or stinks like farts or makes lots of foam. They are Liam who is 14. Almost a man. The very image of his mother, not to mention being capable and funny. Then there is Austin, age 11. Born on the highway on-ramp heading north we sometimes lovingly remind him of his hurried nature when we call him I-35. Lastly there this Justin, age 9; the one planned child we were blessed with, who, for whatever reason became so utterly beautiful that I call him my anchor when my depression of losing Kim gets me at my worse times. Justin who was born with an I.Q. of 168 is scary clever and whose wit is as sharp as my steak knives.
Who am I? I am the nerdy professor. The Dad in training. The man who lost his wife. But mostly I am the sum of all these parts I have mentioned. I am the Dad who buys bubble bath. I am the handyman with helpers. I'm the soft bean bag chair that my boys land on when life becomes unbearable. I am the "dick" who commands obedience when necessary. I'm here. I make dinner, wash clothes, and watch I Love Lucy when we all need a laugh. I'm the dreamer who has never given up the dream of going to Mars. I'm also the engineer who has a hand, among many others, in getting us there. I still wish I was Will Robinson.
Thank you. :-)
It means a lot. We are getting by one day at a time. Yikes! Now I'm channelling Dwayne Schneider.
I'm not sure how to take part of your comment. Yes indeed, the switch from law to science was hard. Harder, in fact, was telling my father who was a lawyer.
You see, I was a bit clever in school and did everything that Father told me to do to become happy. Only I wasn't happy. After law school, I worked hard. I tried Corporate Law. I was unhappy. Then I tried Tax Law. There's the knife to the throat. After that, I tried Environmental Law. OMG! Finally, I gave Family Law a go. I met my wife during these years. But still, I was unhappy.
I mean that I moved with the motions and filed the right paperwork. A few pro bono (free) cases tore my heart out. In family law you see a lot of the unfortunates---the people who need the most mercy from the court and usually get the least. I did what I could. Begged my wife to adopt a child. It didn't happen. But my wife became pregnant for the first time. We were over the moon.
Happiness came a second time with a bitter pill when my father passed. I quit the firm and returned to school, this time to follow my dreams. NASA hired me right out of university. For the first three years, I did scut work. I obeyed my managers and came to work on time. After publishing my first two papers in Science and Smithsonian I came to the attention of others at NASA. It's true, as they say: Publish or Die. I survived.
When Austin was born, our second child, I felt myself a pleased man. I had the best and most patient wife you could imagine. She was my touchstone. Everything wonderful began and ended with her.
Why is it that jerks like me take so long to realise that while searching for gold in life, we were carrying it all the long? So many wasted years. I could have been nicer. I could have worked less. I was so worried about being poor, that I was giving her less of a life, that I worked our relationship to the bone.
The last years were great. All the boys were finally in upper school. We had more time together, more private time, Kim and I. Was she happy? She was teaching. The stories she brought home were outlandishly hilarious.
For instance, in her history class, one of her kids answered this test question. *What major event ended in 1945?* The boy answered: 1944. He was right.
Another kid was asked to explain the idea of a free press. The kid said when your mom irons your jeans for you.
Such are my joys. I still remember them all every night I come home to her car in the garage.
I have lived a good life. My father...he worked himself to death to give me and mum a better life.
Don't think me too boasting, braggadocious...or great. I stood on the shoulders of even greater men and women you will never know to get where I am today and I did it for selfish reasons. So when the opportunity for distinction came my way I only reached for the brass ring when it was dangled my way.
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.
Do you read Robert Frost? What did you mean by naming yourself staygolden3? Thanks for your positive support.
C.
It so weird how Kim was taken from us in milliseconds and yet she has lingered with Liam, Austin, Justin and I for so long. Bear with me I will explain:
Yesterday, was Kimberly 42 A.D. Meaning 42 days ago I waved goodbye to her backing out of the carpark. She was alive---42 days ago,
Just yesterday Justin was going through Kim's boxes and brought out this wonderful dress, a red, glimmering number she wore to the Kennedy Center to see Yo-Yo Ma. Her fragrant aroma instantly hit him, and me in the face. Her smell brought tears to our eyes instantly. We were left together, hugging, an emotional mess in the walk-in closet.
A week ago, we got the mail, and Liam came running to me. Kim had bought him a subscription to a craft project with a special note attached ending in Love, Mom
14 days ago a mother and father from school came to our house. It turned out that they were gone for the horrible events of Kim's death. Kimberly suggested that they pull out of school and work and go to a special retreat for troubled kids and their parents. They did. They returned to say thank you. Their son is better.
Last Tuesday, I woke up feeling sad and alone at 2:00 a.m. and went to the restroom. When I opened up the medicine cabinet a note was there, from Kim, to remind me to take my pills.
My point is that it seems that our loved ones are always there. They die and disappear slowly. They are pervasive in our lives. Their love hides under the bed, in boxes, through friends and strangers, and in our bathrooms. They are not dead and gone as so much as misplaced. Their memory lives on through our experiences. We are blessed by their slow disappearances.
The red size 3 hot red number? It's the only dress my son owns. It hangs in his closet.
May God Bless You, CrazyNewLife. May He bless you and keep you. May his warmth and countenance shine upon you and give you peace.
C.
Thank you for your support.
No, my children are all in school. They are adjusting. I try to be a good single parent, but I have to say that it is hard. Fortunately, Kim raised some great little gentle men. I say it that way because she didn't raise children. Children will remain children. She raised men still being formed. What a Godly reminder to me that my responsibility is as great as my joy in the completed creations.
Just the other day, Liam pulled a 15-year-old boy off a 14-year-old girl. I was watching from my car. He said to the bully, "We don't treat ladies that way." The boy said F.U. and Liam slugged him. K.O. Good night, Mary. I'm sure Kim would have intervened. I didn't. Some boys need to learn their lessons.
I tell you all of this because it was Kim who started our projects that I am inheriting today. I'd like to think I had a hand in the moulding of their character.
But it was Kim. Kim taught them all how to fight.
Bless your kindness, Deb30