Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Hello

3pugs2luv
3pugs2luv

Hello,


I lost the love of my life on May 21, 2017.  As crazy as it feels like I am on the precipice of just begining to feel the pain of this loss.  I am a person who makes lists, I deal with almost everything in my life by listing and prioritizing and dealing with things.  So many things on that list those first weeks- memorial service, paperwork, dogsitters, back to work blah, blah, blah...I worked those lists every day like a demon.  The memorial service was a week ago. It was beautiful.  Everyone said how strong I am, how gracious in dealing with this.  The truth is I hid in the kitchen behind the refrigerator of the venue for the service and cried, trying to get my shit together.  I did it. I sucked it up and went out there.  Shaking hands, consoling others in their grief.  Overwhelmed with all the people.  He was just 50, so many friends and family and people I didn't even know.  I was 


Now it's quiet and I miss him and the pain is excrutiating, the reality now, somehow after 6 weeks starting to settle in.  I have work, and I am throwing myself into it, but what to do with myself when there is no list?  It's terrifying, this pain.   I don't even know what I'm trying to say here.  I want to run from it, but there is nowhere to go when it's just me and these four walls.  I keep seeing his face, that last day, his eyes pleading with me, trying to tell me I know now, that he thought he might be dying.  God, my God, this just can't be real.  Just hoping to get through today.  Just today.  I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow.

Missmyanne
Missmyanne
That's the way we get through this. One moment at a time. Worry about today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Good thoughts and best wishes to you!!
LostwithoutPat
LostwithoutPat
The pain and loneliness are excruciating. All we can do is take one step at a time one day at a time. Hope you find some help reading here. Hugs to you!
Moss87
Moss87
Thinking of you while I stare at my own four walls.
People thinking that you are strong and gracious is a sign that you are doing what you need to do, and conquering your life as best you can. You can do this.
But I empathize with the fact that it feels like a facade (the strength), and that you don't feel so strong as all that. Have you ever heard of the phrase "fake it til you make it?"
Because that's what I'm attempting. And that works alright, until I'm alone with myself.
But keep at it. I'm with you.
Shae
3pugs2luv
3pugs2luv
Shae, I'm Stephanie and that's EXACTLY what I feel like. Like I'm faking it until I make it. Exactly. I hope that strategy works. I can't decide if I'm just running away from my grief, drowning it out with "busy" or if that's just a health coping mechanism. Maybe it's a little bit of both. Today has been hard. My son came and spent Saturday with me, working in the yard (he's 23 and lives about 100 miles away). Sunday I ran around and kept myself busy. My house has never been so clean. Today, just me, and the pugs. A wave of grief so hard hit me it felt like it may drown me. I just miss him. So much. Thank you for your reply.
Bubbles44
Bubbles44
Hi 3pugs2luv,
I lost my husband the same day...he was 51. Going through all the same emotions.
We unfortunately were not blessed to have children, so similar to you I have 2 dogs, 4 walls and countless sleepless nights. It has caught up to me as well- that deep pain of missing him so much. His voice his smile, his touch.... I'm hurting so badly right now-honestly wish I would have gone with him... I will pray for you as well. I am trying to fake it to make it, sometimes it catches up to you when you least expect it- the tears, that deep ache of loneliness... it seems hard to believe that it will ever go away. Hope it all gets better soon for us both. In my prayers...
3pugs2luv
3pugs2luv
Bubbles, I am so sorry. Yes, that thought has crossed my mind too, having gone with him. Hugs to you. Sounds like we are walking the same walk. I am here if you ever want to talk or message. You are in my prayers. I'm trying to talk myself into sleeping- tomorrow is a new day. I am going to a fireworks show and I am honestly not sure if I can handle doing it. My son and his fiance invited me, and I know I should go. I know I should get out even though ever fiber in my being wants to hide under the covers. The thought of being social right now is so overwhelming. Hugs, hugs, hugs....thank you so much for posting.
scottito
scottito
Hi Pugs. Looking back on it, I was in an almost manic stage in the weeks leading up to Juanita's death, and immediately following. Running on adrenaline, coffee and nicotine. There was an urgency to my getting "my lists" done. I was numb to my pain, as my brain attempted to catch up to something that could not be, yet was. Despite the semi-lucid stage of the first three or so weeks, I sensed that I was getting sucked down into a hole I didn't want to be in, and tried to get the stuff I felt had to be done done because I didn't know how this was going to end. Good thing, because it only got way worse before it got better, And worse. And worse. And worse. And that was the good part. For grief, you've got to go through it to get through it. It controls us at first, but better days will and do come for all of us. Everyone is different. But time, time and more time is what it takes to heal a broken heart. Remember to eat, drink lots of water, and get plenty of rest. Grieving is the hardest work you'll ever do. Loneliness was unbearable for me. Now after 2 years, I have to have my alone time to keep my balance. We're all here for you. No right or wrong answers, just good people with good hearts that know exactly what you are going through. Only because we've been there, done that. And we're still kickin'. We've all done it one day at a time. And you are so right on. Let tomorrow take care of itself. Top priority is getting through today. And it will get better. ~~~ Scottie
jdp
jdp
Yes, you are correct, we get thru one moment, one step, then an hour, till it adds up to a day.
It's been 4 years, I either have the TV on or CD's

It takes time...
Our journey has changed

A local hospital or church may sponsor a support group
I walk outdoors now, in the mall during the winter.
Do you have a hobby, join a book club, yoga???

Deal with today
Blessings
jdp
parrotluvr
parrotluvr
And I agree and have something in common with everyone's reply here. My husband died May 30th. I am quite good at putting up a cheerful front until I am alone. I go to work; do things with friends, all of the things I have always done. Then, like all of you, I come home and grieve. I don't know if this is normal or if I am trying to deny his death ever happened. It happened so fast that sometimes I think it can't be possible. Today is my birthday, the first birthday without my husband. It feels very lonely even though my friends have been wonderful. But I've gotten through today. Next goal: Get through tomorrow.
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